The Redundant Ramblings of an Insane Mind

Okay, so I'm nuts. I think that everyone should know that up front. But I enjoy my insanity. I feel sorry for people that suffer from theirs. I'm an Irish Catholic Redhead. Picture that! hehehe. Anything else you want to know just ask!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

I could be high right now

weekends. i think that that is the greatest word ever. so my weekends have begun on Thursday ever since i've been in college. This is how it's been going recently...

Thursday: I teach Denis Z. routine at my house. This always involves CDS and CMK. And lots of alcohol. This week we had a major sparring match that turned street fighting. Needless to say that I'm covered in bruises from head to toe. I also dyed CDS hair. And cut it too. It's amazing!! CDS and DZ left around 12 and DJ was going to come over and join CMK and I for a movie. MW and her boyfriend showed up, unannounced, and crashed what was promising to be an amazing evening. She pisses me off. Everyone left around 2 and I spent the next 2 hours on the phone with him discussing "us". I'm not even going to go there. Didn't sleep that night because I was too emotional. Went to work Friday 9-1. CDS dyed my hair!! Yes, I'm no longer a red head. Sorry!! But it looks really good!. CMK came over and we talked/played poker/hung out for a while. I was supposed to go to dinner with ACR, but she was to call me at 2:30 and hadn't yet at 6. She wouldn't answer her phone so I went to a Pacers game with KJS instead. It was awesome. We kept getting carded. Fuckers. It's PEPSI. lol. Not really. :) We took pictures with the fucking deer. Seriously, the deer are fucking. Went home and sobered up. Then headed to JM and S's apartment. CMK came over and so did Dyl. We watched Devil's Advocate. Okay, I slept through it. Went home around 4. Got up Saturday morning for karate. CMK and BJE kicked my ass. Then we got cleaned up, went to Qdoba for dinner and headed to MH's house. I learned to shift a stick!! It's great. CMK is smoking, on the phone and steering; I'm smoking, on the phone and shifting. We make a great pair (rolls eyes). We got up to CODE Zero's house for CODE Fest 6. It was awesome. I should have been on acid or something for this party. So many glow sticks, it would have been worth it. CMK headed out to go drop some stuff off at a client's house. We ended up leaving CODE around 12 and met him back at my house. BJE and MH fell asleep and we headed out for smoothies. Got back and watched The New Guy. Hilarious, as usual. CMK left around 4 and I headed to bed around 6. Up at 8 with BJE and MH for church. Did homework all day and the Dyl picked me up at 5 to head to OneLiners. Holy Shit. It was great. Back home around 10. Over to AMS's for Grey's and then more homework before bed.

I'm not sure how I do it all....

News: he's officially going to new york for the summer. i'll see him in august. this could be good and bad. we'll see. I have a cold. And a dance performance Saturday. I can't be sick.

You should come to the concert on the circle on Sunday. It's going to be awesome. 2:00, be there or be square...

Thursday, March 23, 2006


Hell is Indiana without CMK in a snow storm. He's in NYC.

It doesn't matter that I'm mad at him, I still had to see him all weekend. We did karate at BJE's on Friday. Then dance workshops with Mike Topal (amazing). Dance workshops on Saturday. Dinner and Dance Saturday night. ISDC on Sunday.

It does matter in our friendship that I'm mad. And he knows it. It's not that I'm being bitchy or cold or avoiding him, it's that I just don't have anything to say. And I don't trust him anymore. If I can't trust him with something like this, then how can I ever trust him with bigger things? That's what this really comes down to, isn't it? People keep asking me what's wrong between us, I tell them nothing. They know I lie. And in the middle of all of this, you go to NYC. I guess it just gives me more time to think.

You'll be at my house tonight. I don't want you there. And we're going to Chancellor's with D on Friday. I don't want to see you. And the COD Party on Saturday followed by the LAN party at my house. Still don't want to see you. I know it's in my eyes when I look at you.

It's why you stood in front of my car on Monday and wouldn't let me leave practice until I had talked to you. Talk. Whatever. Screaming for 45 minutes about Swing Cats is more like it. But you agreed with everything I said. And you stood there holding me. And we danced. And you made everything all right, if only for a few minutes. So what's new?

You called to hear my voice one more time before you left for New York. And the call that I didn't answer while you were at the airport.

Being mad doesn't stop me from thinking about you 24/7. I wish it did. None of this stops me from thinking that you're it. MH agrees with me. She'd know. Hell, the four of us are always together. But it's weird. I know you're going to NYC for the summer. And the only thing I can think is that you'll come back realize what you could have had. But I won't be there. I'm coming to visit you. I know I promised. I think you need the time away from me. I need the time away from you. So I want you to go. I want to not think about you every second of every day. But can't say I'll be here when you come home.

Friday, March 17, 2006


You truly pissed me off tonight. And I know that you know it. It's why you spent the entire drive home appologizing and offering me excuses. But it doesn't even matter anymore. Because I've learned things about myself tonight.

I cared about you with a depth of emotion that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. And I trusted you with everything in me. But now? I don't even want to be around you. And you can't even understand why I'm so mad.

I DID NOT spend three monthes of my life lying in a bed, fighting a tumor the size of a soft ball and four different kinds of withdrawl for me to ever want to be around it again.

When you lied and said that you didn't do it anymore, I believed you. When you said that you had started again, but promised to never do it around me, I believed you. When you did do it around me, but appologized and said that you would never do it around me again, I believed you. But tonight, when you walked up those stairs, I was ready to leave and M was going to take me. I don't care if you do it, (I'm not that much of a hypocrit) just NOT AROUND ME.

And you say, that if you ever even think about doing it again I'm supposed to walk into the room and kick your ass. No. I shouldn't have to. But I will leave and you will never see me again. That is how much this means to ME.

Right now I don't want to see you. I don't want to be around you. And tomorrow at karate, I will kick your ass.

You almost had me in tears tonight. After everything I have been through this weekend (I'll get into that at another time.), you do this. You knew the hell that I've been through, you talk me into going out and you break THIS promise.

I haven't talked to AT in a week, and he called me 20 minutes ago, because he had a feeling that I was mad. He's ready to get on the next plan back to Indiana to kick your ass.

But hey, at least I know I'm actually capable of feeling strong emotion. If nothing else, you've done that.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Desperado on a Thursday morning

I love this song. 100 points to anyone that loves the Eagles. 300 points to anyone eating girl scout cookies right now. Yumm!!!!

I'm thinking of heading to B-town this weekend. That's gonna cause issues. Not my problem.

The were dancing and singing and movin' to the groovin' and just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted Play that Funky Music White Boy

It's Lent. Fat Tuesday was fun. Ash Wednesday, not so much. But now it's Lent and I'm not sure what I'm giving up or doing. The obvious is to quit smoking. I'm not ready to do that yet.

lol. I'm singing to the new guy. I forget his name, but whatever. It's more the song: You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi. He's busting up.

Oh well.

I'm thinking of giving up CMK. That would be interesting. lol. Let me know if you have any thoughts....