The Redundant Ramblings of an Insane Mind

A Year Under the Influence

2007-12-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

hmmm. I need to write. Just let it all out. But I don't really know where to start. Or stop for that matter. It's all kinda up in the air and I'm happy and content, yet confused.

I could be high right now

2006-03-30T10:57:00.000-05:00

weekends. i think that that is the greatest word ever. so my weekends have begun on Thursday ever since i've been in college. This is how it's been going recently...

Thursday: I teach Denis Z. routine at my house. This always involves CDS and CMK. And lots of alcohol. This week we had a major sparring match that turned street fighting. Needless to say that I'm covered in bruises from head to toe. I also dyed CDS hair. And cut it too. It's amazing!! CDS and DZ left around 12 and DJ was going to come over and join CMK and I for a movie. MW and her boyfriend showed up, unannounced, and crashed what was promising to be an amazing evening. She pisses me off. Everyone left around 2 and I spent the next 2 hours on the phone with him discussing "us". I'm not even going to go there. Didn't sleep that night because I was too emotional. Went to work Friday 9-1. CDS dyed my hair!! Yes, I'm no longer a red head. Sorry!! But it looks really good!. CMK came over and we talked/played poker/hung out for a while. I was supposed to go to dinner with ACR, but she was to call me at 2:30 and hadn't yet at 6. She wouldn't answer her phone so I went to a Pacers game with KJS instead. It was awesome. We kept getting carded. Fuckers. It's PEPSI. lol. Not really. :) We took pictures with the fucking deer. Seriously, the deer are fucking. Went home and sobered up. Then headed to JM and S's apartment. CMK came over and so did Dyl. We watched Devil's Advocate. Okay, I slept through it. Went home around 4. Got up Saturday morning for karate. CMK and BJE kicked my ass. Then we got cleaned up, went to Qdoba for dinner and headed to MH's house. I learned to shift a stick!! It's great. CMK is smoking, on the phone and steering; I'm smoking, on the phone and shifting. We make a great pair (rolls eyes). We got up to CODE Zero's house for CODE Fest 6. It was awesome. I should have been on acid or something for this party. So many glow sticks, it would have been worth it. CMK headed out to go drop some stuff off at a client's house. We ended up leaving CODE around 12 and met him back at my house. BJE and MH fell asleep and we headed out for smoothies. Got back and watched The New Guy. Hilarious, as usual. CMK left around 4 and I headed to bed around 6. Up at 8 with BJE and MH for church. Did homework all day and the Dyl picked me up at 5 to head to OneLiners. Holy Shit. It was great. Back home around 10. Over to AMS's for Grey's and then more homework before bed.

I'm not sure how I do it all....

News: he's officially going to new york for the summer. i'll see him in august. this could be good and bad. we'll see. I have a cold. And a dance performance Saturday. I can't be sick.

You should come to the concert on the circle on Sunday. It's going to be awesome. 2:00, be there or be square...

hmmmmmmmmm

2006-03-23T11:42:00.000-05:00

Hell is Indiana without CMK in a snow storm. He's in NYC.

It doesn't matter that I'm mad at him, I still had to see him all weekend. We did karate at BJE's on Friday. Then dance workshops with Mike Topal (amazing). Dance workshops on Saturday. Dinner and Dance Saturday night. ISDC on Sunday.

It does matter in our friendship that I'm mad. And he knows it. It's not that I'm being bitchy or cold or avoiding him, it's that I just don't have anything to say. And I don't trust him anymore. If I can't trust him with something like this, then how can I ever trust him with bigger things? That's what this really comes down to, isn't it? People keep asking me what's wrong between us, I tell them nothing. They know I lie. And in the middle of all of this, you go to NYC. I guess it just gives me more time to think.

You'll be at my house tonight. I don't want you there. And we're going to Chancellor's with D on Friday. I don't want to see you. And the COD Party on Saturday followed by the LAN party at my house. Still don't want to see you. I know it's in my eyes when I look at you.

It's why you stood in front of my car on Monday and wouldn't let me leave practice until I had talked to you. Talk. Whatever. Screaming for 45 minutes about Swing Cats is more like it. But you agreed with everything I said. And you stood there holding me. And we danced. And you made everything all right, if only for a few minutes. So what's new?

You called to hear my voice one more time before you left for New York. And the call that I didn't answer while you were at the airport.

Being mad doesn't stop me from thinking about you 24/7. I wish it did. None of this stops me from thinking that you're it. MH agrees with me. She'd know. Hell, the four of us are always together. But it's weird. I know you're going to NYC for the summer. And the only thing I can think is that you'll come back realize what you could have had. But I won't be there. I'm coming to visit you. I know I promised. I think you need the time away from me. I need the time away from you. So I want you to go. I want to not think about you every second of every day. But can't say I'll be here when you come home.

Rant

2006-03-17T02:43:00.000-05:00

You truly pissed me off tonight. And I know that you know it. It's why you spent the entire drive home appologizing and offering me excuses. But it doesn't even matter anymore. Because I've learned things about myself tonight.

I cared about you with a depth of emotion that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. And I trusted you with everything in me. But now? I don't even want to be around you. And you can't even understand why I'm so mad.

I DID NOT spend three monthes of my life lying in a bed, fighting a tumor the size of a soft ball and four different kinds of withdrawl for me to ever want to be around it again.

When you lied and said that you didn't do it anymore, I believed you. When you said that you had started again, but promised to never do it around me, I believed you. When you did do it around me, but appologized and said that you would never do it around me again, I believed you. But tonight, when you walked up those stairs, I was ready to leave and M was going to take me. I don't care if you do it, (I'm not that much of a hypocrit) just NOT AROUND ME.

And you say, that if you ever even think about doing it again I'm supposed to walk into the room and kick your ass. No. I shouldn't have to. But I will leave and you will never see me again. That is how much this means to ME.

Right now I don't want to see you. I don't want to be around you. And tomorrow at karate, I will kick your ass.

You almost had me in tears tonight. After everything I have been through this weekend (I'll get into that at another time.), you do this. You knew the hell that I've been through, you talk me into going out and you break THIS promise.

I haven't talked to AT in a week, and he called me 20 minutes ago, because he had a feeling that I was mad. He's ready to get on the next plan back to Indiana to kick your ass.

But hey, at least I know I'm actually capable of feeling strong emotion. If nothing else, you've done that.

Desperado on a Thursday morning

2006-03-02T09:44:00.000-05:00

I love this song. 100 points to anyone that loves the Eagles. 300 points to anyone eating girl scout cookies right now. Yumm!!!!

I'm thinking of heading to B-town this weekend. That's gonna cause issues. Not my problem.

The were dancing and singing and movin' to the groovin' and just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted Play that Funky Music White Boy

It's Lent. Fat Tuesday was fun. Ash Wednesday, not so much. But now it's Lent and I'm not sure what I'm giving up or doing. The obvious is to quit smoking. I'm not ready to do that yet.

lol. I'm singing to the new guy. I forget his name, but whatever. It's more the song: You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi. He's busting up.

Oh well.

I'm thinking of giving up CMK. That would be interesting. lol. Let me know if you have any thoughts....

Ironic Fates

2006-02-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

Ironic. Don't you think? You won't let me love you and yet I wonder if I still have the desire to do so...

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I can't promise you that I'll always be here. I know that right now I still want to be, even though I shouldn't. Who knows. The future is all smoke and mirrors.

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

I guess life is funny isn't it? When you think you want something, it isn't there. But when you don't want it, it's right in front of you.

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

myspace

2006-02-27T12:28:00.000-05:00

So this is in my Myspace Blog. But I feel more open to have it in here. I'll expand upon it later.

This isn't about you. This isn't about anybody in here. I hope. Unless you found me, even in here.

I'm not sure why I'm posting in here instead of in one of my blogs. Whatever.

I haven't done anything today. I've spent the entire day sleeping and thinking and trying to avoid the one thing that has continually been on my mind lately. You.

It's hard. Knowing that I could have loved you. That I know I'm still capable of loving you with everything in me. But you won't let me. You never could have or would have allowed me to love you. I know that now. It's hard. To care about you and know that I would move heaven and earth if you asked me to. But you won't. And I know that. So where do we go from here?

Do you even realize how hard this is? Through everything we've managed to be friends. The Good. The Bad. All of the hard stuff. And we've manged to still be firends. But I've realized something today. That as hard as it is to have you in my life, as a friend, it's harder to picture my life without you in it at all.

From the moment I met you, you seemed to be the piece of me that was missing. I don't know why. You were everything that I had ever wanted. But you aren't, are you? If you were, you would love me as much as I could love you.

Lately, it's been harder. I just want to hide with all of the pain I feel from not having you there. From knowing you are physically, mentally and emotionally unreachable. You're always there, and yet never there at the same time.

So here I sit. Wanting to understand. To have it all figured out. And knowing that I never will.

Good bye. I'm not sure what I'm saying good bye to. Our friendship. The dream. The hope. or the Love. But from now on, I'm done.

I know that I'll probably regret this in the morning. Delete it and go on. But tonight it makes sense. If only to me.

politics on campus

2006-02-23T10:36:00.000-05:00

As the Spring semester rolls on many things happen at IUPUI. New policies for next years' campus are discussed. USG elections. Rolling down hills. Climbing the fountain. Taking pictures with the fucking deer. And I can say that because they are fucking. Gotta' love Herron. Stupid art students. And once again the campus is full of political bullshit. New this year: I am getting involved. Yes, I'm being political.

The much debated topic for next year: IUPUI becoming a nonsmoking campus. Fuck you. This entails that if I walk down Michigan Street the second I cross West Street I can be ticketed for smoking. On the sidewalk. If I sit in my car in the parking lot and smoke, I can be ticketed. WTF, mate? And campus housing, completely smoke free. How can they enforce this? We're already planning protests. It's my right if I want to kill myself. I understand this. It's not like I'm sitting in front of a door, blowing smoke in peoples faces. I generally go to an area where it is easy for people to avoid the smoke. Go to Hell. You can't enforce this. It's an infringement on my rights for you to even try. Discriminating bastards.

USG Elections: I am generally a person with the theory of "I don't care who you vote for as long as you vote." I am now a "vote for anyone, but the PEOPLE's Party" person. Okay, your platform is to increase student involvement and let the students know where their money is being spent. I get that. Walking into a USG meeting with a "hit list" of the the majority of the executive board and committee chairs and saying that they are self serving, biased and corrupt was stupid. Not attending the debates because the "people that are going to be there aren't important" just because we belong to nonacademic student groups. Your entire theory of how to accomplish your goals is to take the funding way from nonacademic student groups. How does that help build communittee? You're taking away the ability of the most active groups on campus to be active. You don't make any sense and I'M campaigning to vote for anyone but you. If you win, you'll effectively end all of the active groups on campus. Fuck off. I have worked too hard, spent too much time and money on making Swing Cats the most recongnizable group on campus and in the Indianapolis Community for you to fuck it up. Get off yourself you self serving assholes.

End Rant.

cyber world

2006-02-21T09:47:00.000-05:00

hmmmmmmmmm. what to write. i'll just go with it.

i started talking to PD this week. wow, talk about a rush of memories i'd rather forget. he found me in facebook and i guess everything's cool. weird. he's in philly, pa now. stupid artist. why do i always go for the moody artist types? he wants me to stop through on my way to nyc for break. lol.

CMK and i are going to NY. alone. not sure if i should be concerned??? it's completely logical. i'm headed up to niagra falls to visit family, etc. and he has an internship interview in NYC. tell me it doesn't make sense. my parents aren't going to see it that way. i'm working on it though. we'll see....

we took pictures with the deer last night. if you haven't heard about these, well then, are you living in a cave? anywho. There is a sculpture on campus, outside of Herron, of two deer. Fucking. Missonary. Very detailed. These will be on facebook soon. what else are you going to do at 11:30 on a monday night?

i have girl scout cookies. yum. is it 11 yet? nope. not even close. oh well. life is good. hope all is well with everyone out there in cyber world!!

Seein' Red on a Friday

2006-02-17T10:48:00.000-05:00

Greetings from the lab.

I have an ass crap load of music on my IPOD. It's random too, but I love it. Two hours of me hitting the NEXT button and I still haven't hit 100 or 1081. I gained 250+ songs last night. I'm starting to think about making play lists. lol. We'll see. If anyone has ideas for good songs let me know! I still have a butt load of room.

We had tornado sirens last night. Ruined a very night day dream about cruising the Med. I wish I could have made it over to Athen this year. That would have been an amazing trip. AE's mad that I'm not going. It was just bad timeing. I'm going to cross the sea eventually. I'm thinking about heading to NYC for break. I want to go vist my family up at the Falls. I haven't been up there in a couple of years. I want to see the mountains again too. It should be great. Still cold. Most people go south, but I want to head north. I'm nuts.

I posted pictures on Facebook the other day. There are a lot more to come, but I have to find the time to do it. I'll let ya know.

My hair is getting long. I have braided pigtails today. Talk about going back to my roots. lol. It makes sense. I'm headed home tonight or tomorrow.

My break was fun today. I had gangsters paradise blaring and a group of six thugs walked by. Soundtrack of my life, I guess.

Lots of controversy on campus lately. It's going Smoke-free in May. I don't know how they're going to enforce it. Half the population smokes in Naptown. My friends are coming up with ways to protest. It essentially contains our daily habits of sitting outside of CA and UC, in a circle, and smoking. Go us. KJS is making me quit before we move in together. Another one bites the dust, I guess.

I have a meeting at 1:30 with CMK. We're making a video for 'Cats. I have lots of ideas, but we don't have anything concrete yet. Yikes. Talk about an in depth project.

The Lab is really quiet today. It's nice, if a triffle boring. lol. I wanna dance. I just hit Sublime. lol. Caress Me Down. Yikes. Not good for work. Ahhhhhh....Unwritten Law.

Okay time for me to go. Nothing else to say. Have a great weekend!!

The Valuable Lessons of the Weekend

2006-02-14T09:47:00.000-05:00

Yes, there is a story.

Saturday SS and JM came up to my house and we went to Castleton. JM and I had our nails done while SS was in a meeting for his work. We picked him up and E joined us for lunch at Outback. Good food. E left because he was moving into a new apartment and had to have everything in before he headed to work at MidTown. lol. He had to be there to let us wonderful underagers in. Gotta love it. SS, JM and I went shopping. SS and I spent ALL DAY dressing JM up and attempting to find her the "perfect" outfit for the party. I love SS for being a guy that loves to shop! We headed back downtown about 6:30. WHERE I HAD A CAR ACCIDENT! It's fine. It was my fault. No one was hurt and the cars are okay. No damage. I had an angel watching over me. So they head home, I shower, change, get beautiful and head down to SS and JM's on the southside. WE HAD A MINIBUS!!! Yes, it was supposed to be a limo, but we had too many people. So two bottles of vodka, a stop at Kroger, a bottle of cranberry juice and we were off. At this point, I need to mention that I have motion sickness. And I was in the back of the bus. Hello, it's where the cool kids are. :) I ended up laying down en route (this was after I was pole danceing). We got to Broad Ripple and half of us got off. This is when I sat up, looked at SS and CMK and said, "I need to get off this bus." They didn't listen to me. Because we only had to go "around the block." Apparently, around the block was too far and I was worshiping the trash can in the front of the bus. About now, we talked and it was decided that I'd chill for a little bit, we'd go get some food, and then the rest of us would head into MidTown. Then Leon, our bus driver, decided that I couldn't get off the bus. I HAD MOTION SICKNESS. Being on the bus was a bad thing. I ended up calling SDRC at 3 a.m. and she came and got me. Took R, CMK and myself back to our cars on Banta. FOR WHICH I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL FOR. She got me off the bus. I was wearing more vodka than I had consumed, fyi. As soon as I was off the bus, I was fine, it was the 2.5 hours, when Leon was physically restraining me, against my logical reasoning, that did me in. In spite of it all, I actually had fun. I'm not sure why. SDRC received chocolates and a rose yesterday. CMK was given fabreeze for his jacket (which I was wearing), mints (because he stole mine), and keys to my apartment and car (because I never want to have to scale a balcony (in a dress and heels) to get them ever again.)

So that was how it went. And then my parents were in town on Sunday. We'll save that for a later date.

Today I'm a fairy of love. lol. Passing out kisses and valentines all day. go me. I'm over compensating. Yes, I know this. It's all good. Let me have my delustions!!

Randomness

2006-02-10T11:16:00.000-05:00

Taken from my Myspace Blog:

"So I'm bored at work on a Friday.

I've been reading the blogs of a person who's blog I really shouldn't be reading. They piss me off. No, it's not you.

The pettyness and immature rambling, arrggggggg. So, why am I even reading it? Good question. Apparently I like hurting myself. It's all emotional. I do it because for some reason I want to learn more about them. I want to understand why things are the way they are. And yet, I always end up becoming too frusterated to go on in my attempt to understand.

I find myself wondering why I want to understand at all."

So basically it's SR. I have the same need to understand her that CMK has with needing to understand CPP. Why are we doing this to each other and ourselves?

I need to sort out how I feel in all of this, but I'm not sure what end it will lead to. He's an amazing friend. But is that all? Is that where everything ends? I don't know. That's my honest conclusion. There are days when my life without him in it terrify me. I rely on him too much. But at the same time he gets me. He knows my motives before I do.

Example: Valentine's Dance last Saturday. I went. I danced. We performed. Performances are the worst. Everytime we do it, I'm dancing a new part that I'm not comfortable with in front of people who make West Coast Swing their lives. They stand there and you know that in their minds they are critiquing everything you do. It makes every misstep and beat more important. I love dancing with BNA, though. He always makes it fun. I look up at him and he has that goofy grin on his face and it always feels like we're back in practice, just doing our thing. The death drop still scares me. I have CMK for that. That drop is a test in trust. It's so hard because DJ almost breaks my ankle on the natural top everytime. And then I dance hard for two minutes and at the end I'm supporting my weight on an ankle that's swollen and sore. I wrap it as a precaution and then KF, our instructor, tells me that I shouldn't be dancing on a sore ankle.

I digress. So after the performance I headed home. Personally I didn't want to be there anyway. I crashed. Mentally. I have this uncontrollable fear about what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go when I graduate next year. I like my life the way it is. Anyway, CMK called when he left the dance and stopped by for a while. We talked for a while and then we just laid in bed. I had this instant calm. He kept telling me that everything was going to be alright and I was going to be great at whatever I chose to do. "If the worst happens and you don't know what you want to do, you can begin again in Photography. You have a gift and it shouldn't be wasted." I have a natural composition, apparently.

Is it weird that I could definitely spend the rest of my life with him. And it doesn't matter in what capacity? lol.

We have a deal that if we both aren't married when we're 30 then we're getting married. And if I do get married before then, he's my maid of honor. lol. can you see him in a coral/ivory dress? He'd do it for me. :) I'm designing my own wedding dress, and bridesmaids dresses. They're so simple, but pretty. Maybe with a touch of blue.

SDRC you have to meet him. I need your opinion. We're going out for S's birthday Saturday. MidTown here we come. I love knowing bartenders and bouncers. A hummer limo and a shit load of drinking. I can't wait. OOOOOOO I have to check my email.

I hope that everything is going well for everyone! Have a great weekend!

mmmmmmmmm

2006-02-02T12:34:00.000-05:00

I skipped pratice this morning. opppppss. yea. 7 a.m. and dancing just doesn't happen. you can't even bribe me into going. sorry.

it's partially CMK's fault. we have just a messed up friendship. anyway. we went to hollywood bar and filmworks last night to see walk the line. liked the move, it cut off at the end and left us wanting to know more, but still good. the food there is decent. nothing to write home about, but it's just the atmosphere.

oh, i got vp of swing cats. go me.

i really don't like a lot of my friends. i know this. MW has no concept of having control over herself sober, let alone drunk. She has a constant need of attention. CDS, there's a lot there too. they kind of surround me with this need to not care about anything. i get to the point where i feel the need to run away from them and then i stop caring. i guess it works. i've made some really good friends through CMK. and the nice thing is, they have the same issues with MW that I do.

well. i have to get off work now. i'm feeling really drained. i'm going to sleep tonight! as in class is over at 4 and i'll wake up tomorrow. won't happen, but still it's a nice thought.

i hope everyone out there has a good one!

I'm back

2006-01-09T08:35:00.000-05:00

Okay so my life has returned to some semblence of normalcy now that classes have started again. I actually have scheduled in blog time each day. I'm a dork. But honestly...I have to be on campus at 8 if I want a parking spot and with the knee injury there's no way I'm walking. The knee isn't anything too serious, it's just swollen and painful and therefore I refuse to walk.

I quit my job of 2.5 years in the Dean's Office. Best decision I've made in a long time. Now I'm down to just the catering gig, but that job is more fun and actually applies towards my life goals.

I love dancing. I think it's what gets me through the weeks.

Things are as messed up as ever with CMK and MW. I'm beginning to think that the three of us can't just be friends, but for some reason I still hope.

CDS won't talk to me because I refuse to give her all of the latest "news" about CMK. WTF? We're friends. And contrary to popular belief, he isn't the only thing that I think about. And I'm sorry if I don't want to share my every thought with you, but seriously, I should be entitled to a little privacy now and then shouldn't I? It's not like you tell me your every thought, now is it?

I'm worried about SDRC. She isn't handling the stress well. I'm glad that she and JD are trying to make everything work out for the best, but sometimes I think she needs a break. I'm here for you honey! and I love you!!

I'm living with KJS next year. It seems poetic that we started college together and we'll finish college together. We're going to start apartment shopping soon.

I'm almost 21. I'm almost 21. If I say it enough maybe May will get here faster. I already have the whole weekend planned. It's going to kick.

I hope everyone is doing alright and I'm going to try to catch up on the last six months of reading blogs soon! Have a great one! I love you!

lol.

2005-12-06T10:11:00.000-05:00

I would like to update everyone on the past few months of my life. However there isn't enough cyber space to do that. But I think yesterday caps it all off nicely:

Work
Class
Work
Class
AMAZING SEX
Pracice
Dinner at Hard Rock; including dancing on the bar and pool dancing
Changing Thomas's life.

The 'Cat rumor mill really isn't getting to me anymore. Apparently I'm just an amazing topic to talk about. Here are the current ones:
I'm in love with Carl, Marissa is in love with Carl
Marissa and I are Lesbians
I'm having an affair with Tyson

I will give you that I mess around with Carl and Marissa messes around with Carl and Marissa and I make out, BUT WTF?
And, well, Tyson is just Tyson. And we only flirt shamelessly because he's married and Carrie thinks it's funny. DRAMA. Whatever. But that's the current stuff. Andy is coming up to spend the weekend with me. He's just an amazing friend. Can't wait. I quit my job in ET. Last day is Thursday. I'm thrilled. Hope everyone has a good one!

2005-11-21T12:27:00.000-05:00

Okay, not a lot of time. I have fuck her gently stuck in my head. lol. it's great. been having fun. been sick. been having fun while i was sick. been sick while having fun. pretty much it. lol. everyone have a great one! happy 21st mike!

Yes, I'm still alive.........barely

2005-11-03T09:17:00.000-05:00

hello everyone out there:

Sorry that I've been inactive for a while. SwingCats is my life. I love it. Things should settle down after this week. Konrad, thanks for the concern. I'm great. I actually met a girl, Courtney, from Germany. She's awesome. I might be coming across the pond this summer to visit her family. Not much else. Have to go to class. Promise I will update soon!

Hugs and Kisses,

Sara

The greatest morning I've had in a long time

2005-10-19T10:53:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning, after a hour of sleep, next to an incredibly amazing guy. LOL. We missed the first 40 minutes of our practice. Yes, that right, he dances. Photography major. He smells good too! KF is pissed at us. Oppsssss. We had the most interesting conversations last night. Why is dirty dirty and clean clean? What makes purity pure? Are these learned conditions or genetically programmed? Religion. It was great. It helps that Penny and Tony were tapping off our drinks all night. We were both a little "tipsy" when we headed to my apt. The ironic thing is that he actually stayed over so that we could be to practice on time. I'm sorry, but when you're looking into these amazing chocolate brown eyes where is the motivation to get out of bed? Answer: There isn't any. So we kept smacking my alarm clock. Neal and Ben were looking at us funny after practice and Courtney asked why we kept giggling. Yes, he giggles as much as I do. But we went from discussing our bad porn music band to night club two step in 10 minutes. And somehow we managed to shower in there? There were bound to be some left over giggles. We weren't allowed to dance together at practice. I think that it'll be interesting to see where this goes. Lots to think on.

brief and incoherent

2005-10-13T12:17:00.000-05:00

I'm burnt out. Completely and unequivically done. There's just too much on my plate right now. I'm not really sure if I'm living or simply surviving. I love the 'cats, and my friends, and things are great, but I just don't know if I can keep going at my current pace. G said that I looked like a ghost last night at volleyball. I'm playing better than ever, but I look like a ghost, a shadow of my former self. I laughed it off, but it really hit home. I need to start taking care of myself. Which is why I'm leaving indy for the weekend. After practice tonight I'm headed home. It's going to be a hell of a trip and I don't know if I'll make it all the way, but I need to do this. Mom's worried about me. She told me I was forbidden from coming home tonight. I told her that I loved her and that I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions. I'd see her tomorrow. And I'm going to nap between work and practice so I'll be fine. She just worries too much. I'm her baby, what can I say? I don't eat any more. Or more than that, I'm never hungry. But now my stomach is growling and I feel that I should give it something to shut it up. Roly Poly again. I spent the morning in Columbus. I felt bad for sleeping the entire drive, but whatever. I was awake enough to talk intelligently during brunch and I made it back for class. Whooooooppppppiieee. I'm kinda stalling here at the desk in UC waiting for BOA to come back, but he isn't and I want food so I'm going to go. I hope that everyone has a great weekend and I'll see you on the flip side, home slice!

quick update

2005-10-11T11:46:00.000-05:00

You know, until Sunday I thought that it wasn't possible to dance any more than we already were. I was wrong. Seriously, wrong. Somehow we're squeezing six more hours out of the week. But I love it. My shoues finally came in, and it hurts to break them in, but I love them. My flag football team made the championship (kicked the 'Hazes buts 46-12), it's next week at 5:00. Be there to cheer us on. Go Ballhall Bombers! (Ironic because only 1 person on the teams lives in Ball.) I think I'm headed home Thursday night after practice. I'm debating between surprising my parents and calling to let them know that I'll be home around 2 a.m. It just depends on how things are going and how much sleep I get. It's time for me to go have CK make me some Rolly Polly. I'm addicted, but I love it. Later y'all!

And AMS, I'm sorry for not calling you back on Sunday it was 11:30 before BE and BOA left and I had to do homework. And last night I was at practice until after 11 and had a paper due by 12. I swear, I have to start doing my homework and opening the books. lol. later honey!

Note to all reading this....

2005-10-04T13:38:00.000-05:00

I'm sorry, I haven't read anyone's blog in about a month-ish. If there is anything that you feel is important and I should know about, please leave it to me in a comment. It isn't that you aren't important to me, it's just that until December I'm not going to have time to stalk people. I'll catch up after Cash Bash.

Mgmt.

All she wants to do is dance.....

2005-10-04T10:14:00.000-05:00

...and that's all I do. If you ever want to know where I am, I'm dancing.
Monday Night: Teach class 7-8:45 p.m., Newbie Class 9-10 p.m., Smoke Talk 10-11 p.m.
Tuesday: Social Dancing, generally Cafe at Ray or Knights of Columbus 6-11 p.m.
Wednesday: Teach Basic Class 7-8 a.m.
Thursday: Teach Ballroom Class 7-8:45 p.m., Performance Team 9-10 p.m., Smoke Talk 10-11 p.m.
Friday-Saturday: Social Dancing with IBC, Rebels, Fred Aistare, whatever
Sunday: Dance Committee Meeting and Madame Walker

Don't forget flag football Monday nights and volleyball on Wednesday nights. Which explains how I received a C on my Geography test, a B on Destinations test, and I didn't open the book for the one I just took until last night.

I haven't slept in two days. Sunday I was talking to C and then just had a lot to think about and last night I had to study. I haven't spoken to my family in a week. I haven't spoken to most of my friends in longer than that. I'm sorry guys. I miss you, more than you know, I just need this right now. I need to perform and work my ass off, and be with the team. They're great. Not exactly good for me, but awesome. They're just a lot of shit going down in the team, and the board has a lot to deal with, FYI I'm unofficial V.P. We're voting after the Skippy stuff in November.

I would like to point out for AMS's benefit, that I'm not smoking at smoke talk, I'm just sitting in a cloud of everyone else's smoke. So will you still treat my lung cancer when I get old?

Other Random Stuff:
I bought and IPOD. It's great. I love it.
Definitely have a crush :) on CK.
Swimming Daily.
Growing my hair out.
TD and I are actually getting along. lol.
CM quit at work.
I love Rolly Polly, #37
I seriously need at night out with friends, probably won't happen for a while.

I hope that everyone is doing good. I really do miss you all!

giggle giggle.

2005-09-26T12:23:00.000-05:00

It's been a great weekend.

Thrusday was IUPUI's night out at Jillian's. No my bartendar, J, wasn't working. Doesn't mean I didn't drink. The chick made them wrong, and I wanted to complain, but it's all alcohol, right. NPN, AMS, and I left Jillians for Buca's but they were closed. I "accidentally" walked out of Jillian's with my cup. Oppppssss..... AMS was taking my pic with the money statue and it shattered. This will be me new facebook.com pic. Soon. Note to AMS, please send me pic! lol.

Friday I worked in the morning. I was really apathetic. I didn't want to be around people, but being alone was driving me crazy. I went to Best Buy and walked around, which always makes me happy. NPN, AMS, and I did and all you can eat Chinese Buffet for dinner. arrggghhhh....but still amazing.

Saturday was strange. I didn't put my contacts in, didn't get dressed, didn't shower, did homework, cleaned. Went to bed. And yet, somehow, I don't feel like I accomplished anything.

Sunday, same old, same old. Homework. Baked a cake. Cleaned the kitchen. DID NOT TAKE OUT THE TRASH. I'm so proud, but we'll get to that. Swing Cats meeting.

My current goal in life is to piss of the TD. I've also decided that I'm not going to take care of her anymore. All of my trash goes into the trashcan in my bedroom, which I take out every couple of days. I do my dishes. I clean my room and the living room/kitchen when I've made a mess. But anything else, she can deal with. This explains why my apt. smells like a trash heap and there are dirty dishes all over the kitchen. She made banana bread. I'm pretty sure it's because she knows the smell makes me sick.

I might have to break down though, because the 'Cats are coming over on Sunday. And they're ALL (23 ppl.) staying over on Sunday, November 6, 2005. HEHEHE. She can slam all of the doors she likes, it ain't changing. If she weren't such a stuck up hypocrit bitch, i might feel bad for treating her the way she's treating me. lol. I actually look forward to this.....

An amazing couple of weeks....

2005-09-20T14:04:00.000-05:00

I'm just going to hit the highlights. Sorry.

Ummm....Rich Hartesy (sp?) concert at Lamda Chi. It was amazing. I was against the stage, just to the left of Rich most of the night. Some jackass (scott?) was abusivly dancing/assulting us. I ended up dancing with Jared (our knight in shining armor) most of the night. Sweet. Good kisser. It was hard to really enjoy myself with Sean and Ryne right behind me all night, but I still loved it.

The next night I went dancing at Simply Ballroom in Fishers with the 'cats. We performed which was intimidating, to say the least. Made new friends in the world of ballroom. It's so fulfilling to be dancing again.

Sunday I had Dance Committee. Essentially we are throwing a formal Dinner and Dance for the Ballroom Community. It's Nov. 5. We're trying to raise money for Cash Bash in Ohio. I've always loved intensive weekend workshops. lol. Sign me up.

Last week? Dance marathon call outs. I'm on the morale committee with WH. It's hard because AB is on the board, but I won't really have to see him will I? Teaching west coast. Routine practice. Swimming. Class. Work. Other stuff.

Thursday. Home for my little brother's NECC soccer game. lol. We lost, but still. He proved to be a magnificent brick wall anyway. They kept calling people for charging him. It was great.

Friday. Worked on my car all day. Hung out with all my little brothers. Played WOW and Halo 2. Whatever.

Saturday. Saw my Aunt's new siding/remodeling project. It's almost done. Shopping with Mommy. haircut/trimmed it up. PHIL VASSAR concert. OMG. The most amazing performer I have seen. Plays piano on a level with Billy Joel. Energy level of Garth Brooks. Songs of Kenny Chesney. I was, of course, against the stage just to the left of Phil. I have pictures that are going to be amazing. I caught the base guitarist (Darrin)'s towel at the end and had Jeff (lead guitar), the keyboards/piano player and Darrin sign it. Definitely have Phil's autograph too! I'm still in heaven. If you haven't heard him try the Shakin' Not Stirred CD. It was written and recorded with his band. Amazing.

Sunday. Church. Colt's Game. Swing Cats meeting at my place.

Monday. Booked Skippy Blair (one of the founders of west coast) to come do a weekend of intensives the same weekend as our dinner and dance. We should make a $7000 profit. Cash Bash here we come. Spring break intensives. I'm going to dance my ass off this year. Oh, first flag football game, too! We kicked ass. The Ball Hall Bombers! Yea, I know. Whatever.

Definitely killed my ankle last night though. It got "twisted" during football and then I danced on it at practice for 2 hours. It would have been fine but we were doing natural tops and the "turtle" turns. I elivated and iced last night and now I'm in soak it in hot epsom salt zone. I don't think swimming on it would be good today, but that isn't going to stop me. I have to swim. It's an obsession. And then I have to dance. And then I have to do homework.

Leave me some love.

I have a new AIM now. Most of you should have it. Leave me a comment if you want it.

AMS. Fall Out Boy. Yes.

Updated from AMS's...............

2005-09-14T21:29:00.000-05:00

I'm such a bitch. I'm sitting here being really mean to someone and I like it. OMG. It doesn't end. Oh well. I love AMS. We're a great team. Nuff said.

I'm not sure if I should talk about JC in here or not. He's a sweet guy and I had a blast with him on Saturday, but he'll never be more than a friend.

Yep still being a bitch. Go me. She deserves it.

I wanna call A right now. I don't know her number, nor have I ever met her, but I want her to know that the "man of her dreams" cheated on her the first week of their "month and a half of paradise". Fuck off. If he was so in love, then why is he sleeping around? Or why isn't he telling his friends about you? Just a couple of questions that are on my mind. I'm vindictive, what can I say?

I've been a bitch 6 times in a row.

"so when the cytoplasm of a plant is pressed against the cell wall, Sara, what is this called?" "I have no fucking clue." "me either, but it's gotta be in this book somewhere." lol.

Okay I have swim at 5 in the morning so it's time to go home and go to bed. lol. Have a great weekend.

"Oh, I found it it's turgor pressure."

Stay glassy, or get glassy, or just get plastered.

ehhh..........

2005-09-13T15:35:00.000-05:00

I wish that there were more to say. There's not. I love the SwingCats. It demands so much of my time, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm angry. Very angry, but there isn't much I can do about. KH's post rings true for me also. Lot's of love babe. Yes, we have to party soon. Dance Marathon is starting up soon. I'm not sure if I should put myself in a position where I have to see people that I'd rather not see on a regular basis, but it's all for the kids. Right? BTW, I wish you both the best. But I'll cuss you out in ASL every time I see you. I wanna decorate the SC USG desk so bad. It's plain, and it's giving me a headache. Whatever. I have to go do my HW before practice tonight.

FYI, My AIM was suspended, but I'm hoping to get it back sooner or later. If not I'll get a new one! Later, y'all!

And tonight, for you I will cry........

2005-09-08T12:28:00.000-05:00

I have a teenage daughter. And I don't like it. She's an irresponsible, messy, dirty, bitchy, sarcastic, lying, sceming, horrible person. And I don't like her very much. Sorry, she got home at 1:30 this morning and was yelling in the hallway with some friends (I don't know who) and then she left. When I left for practice at 5:45, every light was on (I turned them off) and the door was unlocked (which concerns me to say the least). Around 8:15 I get a call, telling me that I'm a bitch, because she's locked out. You know what? If you're going to sleep at EH's, TAKE YOUR KEYS and please LOCK THE DOOR. So that's how my day started.

I'm getting sick. I'm really irritable. I can't seem to get enough sleep. Volleyball was worth it last night. Ten points to Cassy, Garrett, Brandon, KJS, Nat, Kristi and Corey for making it awesome. Boo to all the people that didn't show up.

I have hella practice tonight. I love running the routine, but still two hours is a little much. And I don't know if DJ will be there, so....how can I learn to follow him/make him lead me if he isn't there?

I called AT last night. His away message scared me. Apparently BLS has been cheating on him for 4 monthes, and lying about it. So this M guy is the real reason they broke up. AT found out. There was a guys only girl bashing session that I was a part of. Not quite sure how that works. I'm really loosing respect for her. But more than that I'm loosing respect for my "friends" that influenced it. Bitches. So we're running away together to get married. lol. Whatever....:)

I keep finding quotes that fit my mood. I turn them into away messages. But I think last nights was perfect. "And tonight, for you I will cry. And for what will never be, I will dream. I will wake up tomorrow new and ready to face the day. But for tonight, tonight I will cry." And I didn't cry, mainly because I don't feel that it's worth it. I didn't wake up feeling refreshed and new, but still. It's just the mood. I guess when I fall, it's hard and fast. And there was a loud thud at the bottom.

I updated Other Side for the first time in monthes. I was that pissy yesterday. It was almost the blinding hot rage that I thought I had learned to control. lol. So much for growing up, I guess....

Later....

Georgia Peaches

2005-09-07T10:20:00.000-05:00

It's a rough day. I'm trying so hard not to think about Atlanta. But you don't know about that, do you? I spoke with SH on Sunday. She works for the Chamber of Commerce in Atlanta, GA. I've been offered a job as soon as I graduate. I have to go down for a formal interview and check everything out. But it's looking like, GA here I come.

And this terrifies me. Not only because it's GA and 8 hours away from my family, but because it signifies the beginning of the rest of my life. It also means that unless I find someone willing to move to GA with me, there's really no point in even looking. I mean I'll have fun and it's all good, but at the end of the day I know that eventually I'll be leaving.....

I loved dancing this morning. I felt so free. But dancing always does that to me. I need to buy my shoes......Someone remind me about that.

I can't wait to hit the Ripple this weekend with KJS. Bars, Booze, and Boys....lol. It's all fun and games until someone passes out in the street....

Later cats and kittens....(I love KF!)

weird email....wish it weren't the truth...

2005-09-06T13:13:00.000-05:00

a. Ever been so drunk you blacked out? Generally
b. Put a body part on fire for amusement? Yeppers
c. Kept a secret from everyone? Most of the time
d. Wanted to hook up with a friend? It's a rule of friendship anymore...
e. Ever thought an animated character was hot? I don't know, have you seen Prince Charming lately?
f. Had a New Kids on the Block tape? Nope
g. Been on stage? Yes, and miss it terrible.
a. Shampoo? Finesse
b. Soap? Tone with Botanicals
c. Colour? Purple and Orange
d. Day/Night? Sunrise and Sunset
e. Summer/Winter? Fall and Spring
f. Fave TV series? Alias/Family Guy
g. Food? Homemade Pizza, Mom's Chocolate Chip Cookies, and PB&Js
h. Fave Advert? No Clue

> -----------RIGHT NOW----------

j. Wearing? Brown Skirt, Pink Shirt, Brown Heels
k. Eating? Staring at RockStar Energy Drink and eating crackers
l. HAIR is? Red and in a ponytail
m. Drinking? I wish, but no
n. Thinking about? Running through the West Coast Routine and things that are better left unsaid.
o. Listening to? The voices in my head.
p. Talking to? The angel and devil that sit on my shoulders
--THE LAST 24 Hrs-----------
q. Cried? Actually yes
r. Meet ANY new FRIENDS? Yea, this girl in my economics class
s.Cleaned your room? Yes, the whole apartment, my roomates a slob.....
---------DO YOU BELIEVE IN------------------
a. Yourself? Somedays...
b. Your friends? Most of the time.
c. Santa Clause? Always and Forever
d. Tooth Fairy? Yep
e. Destiny/Fate? Your destiny is what you make of it.
f. Angels? Always
g. Ghosts? Spirits? Yea
---------FRIENDS AND LIFE------------------
a. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no
b. Who have u known the longest of your friends? Dustin, but I'll go with Sherie
d. Who's the weirdest Friend? Me...literally.
e. Who do you go to for advice? Kimmer, Mom
f. When do you cry the most? When I snap under pressure.
g. Who will comment to this post first? AMS

nuf said

news from the homefront

2005-09-03T22:10:00.000-05:00

hmmm....So I was back in Indy today. lol. Whatever. ACR flew into IND and we picked her up and then headed back north for BS/TM wedding. It was perfect. That's the way the weddings should be done. They leave to move to NYC on Monday and then TM gets shipped out to Iraq in a month. I got to talk to NB's mom and dad. He ships out next week. Nico ships out in two weeks. It's scary that so many of the guys from HS are shipping out. Most of them are in patrolling units, etc. I worry about them.

LOL, I tore apart my car with daddy yesterday. Oh, and I didn't set off the airbag, which would have been bad. We were working on the turn signal switch and I changed my oil and all that crap. I always love working in the shop with him. He's so happy when I actually get something right. I'm getting good at oil changes though. He says that he'll have to start challenging me again. To which I reply, maybe I should still be playing dumb?

We're headed to MJ's in Carmel tomorrow and then dropping ACR at the airport to fly back to Houston. and then it's back north and then I'll be back in Indy on Monday. If this makes sense to anyone let me know. Because personally I don't see why I'm making three trips to Indy in five days. lol. I have to come back up next weekend to have my windsheild replaced. go me. but i love it here so who cares. i was supposed to go out with C, C, and D from Sprint, but maybe we can do it some other time?

I figured out why JRM is mad at me. Lot's of drama there. I can't say that I blame him. It was stupid of me, but WTF? it's not his life... either be my friend or don't, but quit this shit.

oooooo time to tickle dad. lol. I've gotta go. later!

homeward bound

2005-09-01T22:21:00.000-05:00

I'm home. For the first time in two monthes. I miss it here so much. I feel like I can breathe. Yea, I've been thrown over a couch and tickled to death, but it's worth it. I grilled steak with dad and then mom and I made CC cookies. She always makes them the best. And we watched Hitch. lol. Love that movie....

I haven't really felt like updating lately. So many things running through my head, and yet nothing concrete. Fears, dreams, hopes, demons, all constantly in thoughts, but never coherent.

Some days I feel like giving up on everything. Like today. I wanted to walk away from Indy and everything there. All of it. The people. The drama. The memories. But I then realized that there will be drama anywhere and I'd miss the people and the memories make me who I am.

I want to talk to you and yet I could never find the words to say what's on my mind

I've started looking throuhg my scrapbooks and photo albums tonight. Hmmm....I can't help but laugh. But it isn't a laugh of fond memories or times remembered, it's the cynical laugh of someone who knows how sheltered they were and regrets that they now see things clearly.

Mom sees that I'm hurting. I wish I could tell her it's nothing. I wish I could still hide it. But that isn't truely what I want. I sat on dad's lap and talked to him forever earlier. I dunno. Watching my parents together is still the most amazing sight. They're perfect and I love them so much. It makes me sad for the firl I used to be. I wish that I still lived in a world where making them proud of me was all that mattered and making even the biggest mistakes was okay because they truely weren't that bad. It's like putting on a show every time I'm here so that hopefully they don't see what really going on. But I know that they know. But I love being here and feeling the unconditional love that have been so constant through everything in my life.

Who knows. I can't write this now. And it looks like I'm signed up to have my lil bro kick my ass at XBox.....lol.

Mood: happy in a peaceful and reflexive kinda way....

Yea...it's like that

2005-08-30T14:31:00.000-05:00

Tired from 6 a.m. workout.
Don't feel like updating.
Don't feel like being at work.
Can't wait to dance with Ben later.
Need to sleep.....
Later

The weekend....

2005-08-29T12:26:00.000-05:00

This weekend has been amazing.

Thursday: worked in releve', watched a movie, talked with AMS for a while. Chilled. Had a lot of introspective time, which was good and bad....we'll see.

Friday: Joined SwingCats. DJ is my partner, which is really wierd, but good. He doesn't lead me. That's kinda frusterating. And I'm picking up the routine faster than he is. There is a night and day difference between when I dance with DJ and when I dance with B. Practice is tonight. I hope it goes well.

KJS and I went to Jillian's to get our drink on. J is such a complete ass. But we made friends with Josh the bartendar. He's completely amazing. We had a butt load of free drinks. This is the order as best I can remember. I might need to have KJS check it for me. Sex on the Beach, Cosmopolitian, Oklahoma, Washington Apple, Chocolate Cake, Carmel Apple, Josh's Special Mix, Orgasm, Pineapple Upsidedown Cake, Pineapple Upsidedown Cake, Chocolate Cake. Damn. I stumped eight bartendars trying to get an orgasm. lol. I crack me up. We then walked around downtown and met these two incredibly older guys, Brian and Randy, that were sitting on a wall smoking cigars. KJS gave them her rose, from J, we chatted it up for a while. We got down to the Slippery Noodle and then headed back up Meridian. Randy gave KJS the rose back on our way north. They also provided me with the too true quote of, "Guys are only as loyal as their options." Which fit my mood fine. Then it was home for the night/morning.

Saturday: Hells Yea. I woke up hungover to the point of not getting out of bed at 6 a.m. I watched TV for a while and got up for water around 7. Then laid down and painted my nail, hands and feet, about 12 different colors before settling on pink hands and aqua toes. Hit the shower at 11 and then I was off and running. Sprint is ordering me a new phone. Apparently I've played catch and spoons with my phone too many times. And BTW it doesn't float in water no matter how many times I drop it in the bath tub. But it's all good. The freshman welcome BBQ was decent. I was raining, but who cares. I left there, picked up SDRC on the East side, got ready at her place then it was off to TSAV for an amazing night of drunkeness. I forgot how much fun it is to be the sober person with the drunks. Quite entertaining. I was too hungover to seriously drink. Beer pong was made interesting by the use of boobs as a distraction and E as my partner. She's hilarious. Had some talk time wish SDRC for a while. lol. Lot's there, but nothing I can discuss here.

Sunday: lol. I just miss the TSAV guys. You're great btw. SDRC and I talked on the way home. She asked me I was really okay with everything or not. I told her no, but if I think about it too hard I might cry and it's really not worth that. I'm starting to think I may just need to cut my losses and go somewhere....anywhere....else. Brian in Ireland always sounds fun. Or maybe I'll visit Simon and Louie in England. I have family in France so I could do that too. Maybe I can't be friends with people I don't respect. Who'd of thunk it?

Went dancing at the Madame Walker Sunday night. That's always fun. I feel more prepared for practice tonight because of it. We'll see how things go. Homework sucks. I had so much shit to do yesterday, and yet I was bored. Oh well.

Today's been good. My destinations test was just over some articles that we had to read before class. That class is going to move fast. And the prof., AJ, is pregnant. lol. Can we say class cancelations due to morning sickness? Good deal. Now it's time for ASL and then I'm going to do my Econ homework by the pool before practice. God, I'm lazy. Oh well, I really don't care!!....

Later...

Class...you know that five letter word that begins with C

2005-08-25T12:17:00.000-05:00

It's a general concensus that ASL is going to kick our ass. The prof is deaf and we only had a translator for the first class. No verbal communication. No written communication. We can just sign everything, it is after all a sign language class. WTF, mate? Moses, Stacey and I are sticking together. I love how once a year I get the "new" prof. that has never taught before, but wants to give it a shot. Maybe I'll be pleasently surprised, but I doubt it.

Human Geography actually sounds like fun. My prof is a nut. We'll see. I don't like lectures, but he says we get to color a lot. lol. I feel like I'm in elementary again.

Economics of Tourism just sounds fun, but I love econ. And SA is my prof. He's so funny. And AE and DG are in there. Hells yea. I love those two!

Other classes aren't really anything special. But whatever.....

Played ultimate twister last night. I was the last girl "standing", but that was only due to flexibility....lol. Good times. T and P came down. It's so weird having BOYS living in my old place. It freaks me out. They want me to tell them stories about the apartment. Bad idea. Maybe someday. Trust me, they don't wanna know. Yound innocent things that they are....

My diet only works in the morning. Cereal for breakfast, crackers during the day, chocolate cake at night. PB and J in the middle somewhere. And CM is sitting next to me with pop, chips, and fudge. GRRRRRRR. I love crackers. I do okay until I remember the cake sitting on the counter in the kitchen. That and I'm too sunburnt to run. That's lame. Whatever.

Looking forward to this weekend! Can't wait to see TSAV!!! :) Ran into MS today. She introduced me as Sara, she's on her way to being the biggest alcoholic in the Junior class, be proud of her. And she's a blast to party with. So next weekend....going out with her. Probably hit the TKE house and a couple other random places.

I need to quit thinking of JRM as mine. That's my goal for this week anyway....

I haven't talked about XYZ in a while. I haven't talked to XYZ in a while either. maybe it's best that way.....

You're freckles are frecklier.......

2005-08-24T10:45:00.000-05:00

Hmmm…..

“Sara, you’re a grouchy bitch today. Go home.”
“Okay. Bye.”

So that’s how yesterday started.

Visited/got SDRC out of bed for a lunch of leftover T.G.I.Fridays. Jez got out. LMAO. SDRC actually went around to her residents and acted like she was pissed because someone had a cat. lol.

Called JRM because I’m supposed to see his new apt. I can’t believe that he’s back OnCampus. But then, no one could believe that I stayed for two years. He was working. Booo… But he called me sweetheart. It doesn’t make sense. We’re only friends. But it still made me happy. Is it weird that I think of him as mine? As in he belongs to me and you’d better not touch him? This was one of many topics of discussion with KJS…..

Spent the afternoon with KJS at the pool. I look like a candy cane. FYI I’m a tad sun burnt. Actually I could heat a third world country, but whatever. Lot’s of good conversation, which there always is with her. Cheers to Friday night!

Got hit on at the Sprint store. lol. J’s a bouncer at a club downtown. Which is where KJS and I are drinking for free on Friday! It’ll be a good time…. Oh, and they actually think they fixed my phone. Whatever. I give it a week, but it’s still under warranty so give me my new phone, bitch.

Helped AGD plan/get everything ready for a late night picnic with EH. It turned out great, so I’m proud.

Today is the first day of classes and my first class was cancelled. I think the semester is looking up. We’ll see. I have homework for my classes tomorrow and we’ll see what ASL brings this afternoon. My individual classes don’t worry me, but the number of them do. I’ll be fine. I know this. I just really want the dean’s list, again. If you get 3 semesters in a row then you’re Honors Dean’s List. And this would be three. I have a perfect record for being on the list in TCEM. That and I know that SA, my prof., would be really pissed, because we all know that if I can pull off accounting then I can do this….. Wish me luck. All you IUPUI kids out there, good luck too!

Oh, Cassie said that volleyball was supposed to start tonight so KJS, B, C, KC, and I are going. Let’s see who shows up! Be there or get your ass kicked…maybe not, but just come! 7 in the Nat.

edited Ohhhhhh.........Kelly Clarkson.........

2005-08-23T07:55:00.000-05:00

Last night rocked my socks off. Night out with the kids was definitely what the doctor ordered. But that wasn't all....

I can make anybody pretty.
I can make you believe any lie.
I can make you pick a fight with somebody twice your size.
Well, I?ve been known to cause a few break-ups,
An' I?ve been known to cause a few births.
Well, I can make you new friends, or get you fired from work.

AGD and I finally unpacked all of the boxes in our communial areas. lol. We're not allowed to buy anything that could remotely belong in a kitchen. Ever. Hung out with N^2 for a while. Good discussion. He was wiped out. Headed home and made a really, really chocolate cake. Yuummmyyyy. Then out to see 40 Year Old Virgin. LMAO. It was amazing.

And since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg an' Bordeaux, France,
Been making the bars lots of big money,
An' helpin' white people dance.
I got you in trouble in High School,
But College, now that was a ball.
You had some of the best times you?ll never remember with me:
Alcohol; Alcohol.

Missed an ass load of calls during the movie. lol. I'm loved. I'm concerned about KJS. She really shouldn't be even talking to D. I know that he's leaving and may never come back. But he's just using her. At least she knows it this time.....whatever.

I got blamed at your wedding reception,
For your best man?s embarrassing speech.
And also for those naked pictures of you at the beach.
I?ve influenced Kings and world leaders,
I helped Hemingway write like he did.
And I?ll bet you a drink or two, that I can make you put that lampshade on your head.

I think JRM is mad at me. His message was....odd? And when I called back he was just like, "I'm at Meijer. But we need to talk." I hate those words. I hate using those words. I really hate those words coming from him. I think he knows. I should have told him. It's weird. I can't explain our friendship. But he's really important in my life and him being upset with me makes me uneasy. We've finally gotten our friendship back where it should be and for me to have fucked it up.......I really wish I could just take it all back.....

?Cause since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg and Bordeaux, France,
I been making a fool out of folks just like you,
An' helping white people dance.
I am medicine and I am poison,
I can help you up or make you fall.
You had some of the best times you?ll never remember with me:
Alcohol.

KH. I'm mad at you. Okay not really. I understand that you have a prior commitment. Ahhhh wellll..... I'll still love you. It won't be the same without you, but still. Glad that SH is probably going to make it down to TH. (Oh, and SH....glad you're having a blast at BSU!)

Yeah, since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg an' Bordeaux, France,
Been making the bars lots of big money,
(Helpin' white people dance.)
Yeah, I got you in trouble in High School,
But College, now that was a ball.
You had some of the best times you?ll never remember with me:
Alcohol; Alcohol.

*********************Late Addition************************************

Dear Mike,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you.
Love, Susie

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Susie, Mike included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.....along with this note:

Dear Susie,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the heck you are. Please take y0our picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care
*******************************************************************

Sorry it's so long everyone!!!

Tag

2005-08-22T14:49:00.000-05:00

SDRC tagged me. So I'm tagging people too.....

List 10 things that make you happy. Tag some people (5 people, to be specific) afterward.

1. A day of laying out by the pool with friends and knowing that I don't have to accomplish anything. Period.

2. Turning my cell phone off on a weekday.

3. Hugs

4. Playing with a guys hair.

5. Driving for long periods of time with a friend and no destination.

6. Actually understanding what my computer nerd friends are talking about. :)

7. Building things with my bare hands.

8. Being on a stage for any reason.

9. Dancing

10. Quiet evenings with friends.

I tag:
Anita
Nicky
Rabbi
Katie
Alex

"Are you trying to get into my pants......

2005-08-22T07:49:00.000-05:00

maybe. are you trying to get into my dress? Yep...." Gotta love it. :) lol.

Hmmm...where to start? This weekend was a blast. Friday I went to the state fair with AD. lol. Blast and a half. I love fair food. And lemon shake-ups. Yummy. We were little kids and rode rides too! (I thought I was going to be sick after all that food.) She came back and say the palace, as I enjoy calling the new apt. Seriously, it's THAT big. Saturday was worth the summer being really calm. Kimmer and I ran errand, sat by the pool, and made pizza. Yummy. Then got dressed up for the TKE charter party. We went as Brandon's dates. God, I love that kid. He's amazingly wonderful. I think he's more comfortable with himself this year. I'm happy for him. All three of us can't wait until VOLLEYBALL. I think we're going to try to get it started early this semester. We just have to see everyone's schedules. Got drunk. Okay, not drunk, but tipsy enough to do something stupid....That was a good time. Gave Brandon the grande tour of the palace too. Smoked a cigar out back. That was amazing just for the absence of them in my life. Showered and then to bed. OH drunk dialed SDRC and told JD that he had to have amazing sex with her. (per a our conversation on Wednesday). Sunday was fun. Busy. Surprisingly I wasn't hung over. That made me happy. Purdue House and Honors House move ins. Honors Bridge Program welcome BBQ. Met the BOYS living in MY apartment. Home. Did laundry. Say AS and MH. Good times. Props for the shaking of the lemon shake-up. :)

OHHHHHH....forgot this. Aparently my little drama falls right int he middle of this BIG drama. Found that out. Hmmmmm....I just laugh. WTF, mate? Fucking kangaroos. Anywho....oh, I'm on the Dance Marathon Morale committee with WH. Go me. THEME HOURS. Oh, do I have costumes. Can't wait for that to start up!

I think it's going to be an overall good year. Good times.....

Is someone getting the best of you?

2005-08-19T08:17:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was unproductive. But I enjoyed it. Worked, and I use that term loosely. Went home. Showered. Napped. Visited Anita. Went to bed. Still couldn't get up this morning.

weird fun facts about Sara:
*I do need 8 hours of sleep a night or I can't function properly.
*I don't hold hands, cuddle, or be quite with/around guys I like, even though these are things I crave.
*I'm insecure about my hands. I'm not sure why.
*I really do love my job.
*I think I'm a masochist.
*I've never trusted anyone completely.
*I maintain a very precarious balance every day between destroying and saving myself.
*I generally don't enjoy drinking anymore.
*I think I've lost all desire for a relationship of any kind.
*I believe that we all pretend to be something we're not. And this angers me.
*I'm truly happy making others happy.
*I would rather have one true friend, than 100 people I don't care about.
*The future terrifies me.
*Living up to my own expectations is harder than living up to anyone else's.
*I like rain, in all its forms.
*I want happily ever after and won't settle for less.
*I'm happiest when I'm miserable.
*I want to graduate now, yet I have no plans for after graduation outside of get a job.
*I have a very good network of potential employers.
*I hate drama, yet my closest friends are drama queens.
*I fall in and out of love very quickly, then doubt that I ever loved.
*I can't sleep if my room isn't organized the way I want it to be.
*You can always tell my mood by the music that I'm listening to.
*I'm very readable if you know me.
*I'm not good at lying to people I care about.

Hmmm......yea lot's more that I deleted.

Classic Foo Fighters sound good today. Enjoy....
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

"I don't know why I attract guys like this. I think I'm a mothering figure. That and I like sex."

2005-08-17T12:52:00.000-05:00

I'm torn. And either way I go will be an extreme. Talking to AT helps a lot. I actually trust him more than my friends from H.S. lol. I can't put into words how I feel. I just know that I can't keep hovering over this middle ground. It's one way or the other. Good or Bad. Right or Wrong. So many questions and no answers. So I continue to straddle the fence. We'll see.

Yesterday kicked in its own right. Work sucked, but I expect that. Laid out by the pool. Yea, I know. Met a girl named Ruth that seems pretty cool. Dental hygiene major. Senior, psuedo. Really just veged out, unpacked stuff, and watched TV for a while. Talked to my parents for a hour. (I hate how I always talk to my dad second. I can always hear the tears in his voice when we're about to hang up. He wants me to come home more. I wish I knew how to make them not miss me this much. I miss them more, but that I can handle. I was literally in tears after we hung up. I love them so much.) SDRC came over later and we caught up. I need her to watch over me this year, kinda like I did frosh year for her. And for the same reasons. I'm either going to destroy myself or turn into the person that I always thought I would have been. Currently I'm leaning towards destroying myself. That doesn't bode well, but if you're going down, go down in flames. I don't really do things half way do I?

Definitely had issues getting up this morning. It went kind like this:
7:00 "Sara it's 7" *rolls over* "hurmp" *rolls back over* "No seriously get up" *throws blanket over head* "I'm calling in fed up" *snuggles with giant stuffed panda* "me too, now get up" *glares at door* "hurmp" *burries head in multitude of pillows*
7:01 complete panic
7:02 hysterical laughter at how late we both are for our 7:00 jobs
7:03-7:10 rushing around
7:11-7:15 driving to work
7:19 sitting at my desk "hurmp"

I think it's a fairly acurate description of how things went. Bed to Desk in ~20 minutes. Hells yea.

I'm debating heading home this weekend. I want to, but I need to be OnCampus on Sunday afternoon for Purdue House Move In. Yea, that was a brillant idea I had 1.5 years ago. Fuck that.

I think the security officer is getting tired of Angie and I having visitors. We leave a message every time we have visitors after hours so that they don't get towed and well, we've been having frequent visitors. Sorry about that. It's the rules, not us. Well okay, the rules are a little shadowed in this area, but we're playing it safe....hehehe.

I need to work, don't wanna. My mind is still laying in bed under the pillows somewhere. And that's why I can't get anything done. :) Whatever...hope y'all have a great day. Oh, and freaking awesome quotes last night.....

Where's the rest of your skirt? and star wars marathon update

2005-08-17T09:32:00.000-05:00

This morning actually hasn't been the greatest. But I keep laughing at the problems, sooooo I'm having fun. WTF. It doesn't really matter anyway.

I actually miss working out until i puke. I never thought I would say that. Bremer pushed hard and I loved it. Maxing out on squats and then doing wall sits. His goal was to make us all puke at least once during the work out. He generally achieved his goal. I'm planning on hitting the gym hard Fall semester. I'm also planning on working until I'm sick. Daily. We'll see how that goes.

I'm done with class/work by 3:15 every day. It's sweet. No night classes. I've never not had a night class. I'm loving it. AND no Friday classes, again. hehehe.

Apparently I have on a short skirt today. I think it's just because it's above my knees and I haven't done that at work for a while and it seems to get shorter the longer PJ looks at it......go skirt....I actually have skin color so I'm going to show it off....lol...

Oh for all the Star Wars lovers out there... After a long discussion on Saturday we have decided that Matt is fasting and I'm just going without seeing the Star Wars movies until Episode III comes out in November. At which point I'm taking a day off school to watch them. :) (I'm still having trouble believing that one..) I believe that we are watching the movies IV, V, VI, I, II, III, but am not sure. It'll be a long day, but if you want to come IM me. I think it's November 1st. More at a later date, I'm sure. I can't believe that I'm actually getting into this....*shakes head* But if you're going to do it, do it all the way. I'll probably even wear my shirt from the convention!!!

It's going to be a good day. I'm leaving for columbus, like, soon. So everyone smile and have a great day!

for some reason this song always fits

2005-08-16T08:06:00.000-05:00

Sooooooooooooo, yesterday was actually a good day. Lot's of training at work, for things that I already know how to do, but still it was alright.

I actually saw my roomate, and we didn't fight. lol. Thank God. I somehow restrained myself from maxing out my credit card at Best Buy. It was tough. But now I have goals for what I want to buy. New surround sound is first on the list. (FYI I tore apart the current system last night AND got it to quit making that clicking noise AND it still works. Go me.) A projection tv is up there on the list, but still not very realistic until I a: get a better job or b: marry rich (Thanks Andy).

I think I'm forever cursed to help my friends boyfriends with their relationships and be too wiped out to have one of my own. It's a cycle. I can't change it...whatever....

I love you AT, really I do. And I wish that I could help, but the signs really aren't looking that good. :( But I have to believe that she'd be honest with you. BS just isn't a lying person. She's too straight forward and methodical. I really hope everything works out alright....You two are perfect for each other. But I'll be here to make sure you're taking care of yourself if you need me.....lol....but there are still limits...:) Oh, and aparently I'm not jinxed. Thank God. I couldn't handle that right now. And you're relationship couldn't handle it either. BS would flip....

I talked to Mills last night. I think things might actually be okay with our friendship. At least he seemed like the guy that I know and love last night. We'll see. I hope he is.

People don't seem to think that I'm serious about the nun thing. I am. The knowledge that I could be happy no matter what I do doesn't really help me. I think about not having a family and it tears me apart, but is what I feel right now worth it? Has the past year been worth it? I've never thought of not having a family. I guess that's why part of me just accepted it when I found out that I was pregnant last year......Hmmmm....who knows. Enough of that train of thought.......

I'm rocking out today with Shinedown and Fall Out Boy. Here's A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me, because well...it's what's on right now.....

I confess, I messed up
dropping "I'm sorrys" like you're still around
And I know you dressed up
said "hey kid you'll never live this down"

And you're just the girl all the boys want to dance with
And I'm just the boy who's had too many chances

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
a long shot, don't even take this bet

You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights
Get all the sighs and the moans just right

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

I'm just always on
You said you'd keep me honest
(you're always on)
But I won't call you on it

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

2005-08-15T08:20:00.000-05:00

Okay so this is going to be new and different for me. I've been extremely angry for a while. Well, at least the past couple days. Songs like Shinedown-45, Smile Empty Soul-Bottom of a Bottle, and Smashing Pumpkins-Bullet with Butterfly Wings....were....well....making me happy. Which is scary for me. I don't ever want to be that person again.....and I know that my friends don't want to see me there again. (FYI...extremely unhappy Goth)

After an exhausting day on Saturday of planking a deck and watching Jurassic Park in Matt's theatre I had finally made some decisions. First and foremost, appologize for my childish behavior. Second, really go to church on Sunday. Closely following this thought was how much I really need to go to confession. I haven't done that in 8 years because...well simply, my sins are between me and God and only He is going to know if I'm actually sorry for my actions. But right now I need to hear someone say the words. I need to find my faith again. I also need to forgive myself.

So sitting in chuch for 45 minutes before mass started on Sunday, I felt close to God for the first time in a long while. I also started thinking about where my life was headed and where my focus should be. And then I thought about being a nun. And ever since then I've been seriously considering it as a serious possibility.

NPN and AS were a blast to hang out with Sunday night. Swimming, PF Chang's, it was a good time. I have a feeling we're going to be seeing A LOT of each other. lol. Have either of you seen my roomate? I haven't seen her in a couple days....I'd post a missing persons ad, but her aways message keeps changing so I know she's been in the apartment. Oh well. But damn it, I'm unpacking the kitchen tonight. See if I don't. I wanna cook.... :)

2005-08-14T01:52:00.000-05:00

I play dirty when I'm upset. And I'm sorry. I'd like to explain myself, but it doesn't look like I'm going to be given the chance. I tried.

Growing Pains

2005-08-11T20:44:00.000-05:00

I reaaly don't know what there is to say. Maybe I'll come up with stuff.....

Tuesday was really disappointing. I can't hate someone for doing something that I've done. But that didn't make me feel any less (fill in appropriate verb): upset /disillusioned /angry /hurt/ betrayed/ used. Currently, I don't really feel much of anything. I'm too tired. I also had food poisoning on Tuesday. Haven't really been eating for two days. Not sure if it's emotional or physical....

Yesterday was hard. I haven't really slept since Satruday and I couldn't sleep because I wasn't done packing yet. I don't know. There were a lot of other reasons too. The new apartment kicks ass. I have the biggest room on the planet. It's kind of like having my own studio apartment. I have a "living room", "bed room", "MINIBAR area", and an office....in one room. And yes, I did it that way on purpose. Basically I don't ever have to leave my room, unless I want to cook in the kitchen. But I also have a fridge in my room, and an attached bathroom. I like that I could live strictly in my room if need be, but I don't like that it looks like I'm going to have to for my sanity. AGD is being stupidly childish and immature. And a bitch to top it off. Hopefully that ends after her father, who is also staying with "us" right now, leaves this weekend.

Lately I'm not sure if I'm the one who's changed or if it's the people around me. AGD seems a lot different. Like she's digressed in being grown up. KJS and I are going to whip her into shape if this keeps up though.

The other person that has really changed I didn't see coming. But yet, I guess I never really knew you that well did I? When I met you, you were this completely amazing person. You were full of life and dreams and changing things for the better. Now, I see you and I'm not sure why you've become who you are. Did my guyfriends really influence this? I hate the reason that you all see each other. I look at what some of my best friends have become and I'm discusted. What happened to you? By what right would you think that I've sunk down to your morals? I want to beat you all until you're the individuals that I knew and loved. But I don't think that it would do any good. I used to be proud of you guys, any more I'm truely saddened.

I guess this is what they call growing up.

Thanks to Rabbi, Bob, and Nicky for listening to me and trying to help me make sense of this mess. I love you guys. A million bonus points to you all....

My last night in Honors House.....

2005-08-09T07:39:00.000-05:00

I've lived in the same apartment for two years. Something I never thought I would do in college, but I have. I guess the thought of leaving my apartment and all of it's memories scares me a little. It tends to make me reflect on the past two years and all of the times, good and bad, that I've had in Apt. 330.

I remember moving to Indy. I was terrified. I spent the entire drive curled up in the front seat of my car with my head on my mom's lap crying. I didn't know how I was going to do it. 3 hours from everything I loved and in a city on top of it all. Living with a stranger that I had spoken to once on the phone for 48 minutes.

I got here. I met Kimmer. My parents and I moved my stuff up to J-205 and then they left. I started unpacking and fell asleep in my new room. I went out with Kimmer's family for dinner and the two of us cried together for hours that night. Went with CW and DF to get a case of beer at a ghetto liquor store and then watched porn and played cards. That last sentence really sums up my freshman year.

And everything worked out okay. Kims and I were the perfect roomates. It's going to be hard to back to living with someone after a year alone. But it'll work out, I hope.

*If me today walked up to me 2003, 2003 would be scared shitless.*

I see me freshman year as an out of control alcoholic that loved to party, in essence a typical college student. Dear Lord, did I have fun. I always thought that I would be the goodie-goodie that I was in High School. I was wrong. And I cleaned it up last year. I think I at least have control over myself now. At least, I'd like to think I do.

*************************************************************************************

I'm about ready to kill AT. He jinxed me. That's all I can say, but he jinxed me. I was really on a 6 year plan. He's going to hurt the next time I see him. BLS will probably want him untouched though. He's such a punk.....

The Angel vs. Devil Wars

2005-08-08T11:53:00.000-05:00

The Angel and Devil that sit on my shoulders fought yesterday. I'm grieved to say that the Devil killed the Angel and the Devil died early this morning of injuries sustained during the battle. The Angel was burried in a private ceremony yesterday afternoon. The Devil will be laid to rest at a later date.

It was a bloody battle. But I'm entertained. It's worth it. We'll resurrect them at a later date. A much later date as far as I'm concerned.

I had fun yesterday. That's all I'm going to say. :)

I think CNM and SW have talked me into going to the Sugarland concert at the State Fair on Wednesday night. I'm not sure how it's going to work out because I'll also be moving. It'll happen later. I'm spending Thursday in my pool. At least that's the current plan...

BP thank you for all of your wisdom yesterday! :)

That's really all there is.....it's a good day, despite the earlier post, and I'm rather enjoying myself....Hope everone is having a good one.

A time to grieve....

2005-08-08T07:26:00.000-05:00

I wish I could write, and yet words seem completely inadequate. My cousin Chris called me this morning. He was supposed to be driving through Indy with his wife, Sarah, and their son Issac and we were all going to have dinner with Matt, his brother. They aren't coming anymore because Sarah miscarried the twin last week. I wish I had known what to say. I wish that I could do something to take away the pain that they are feeling, yet I know I can't. I know that their love will get them through this. All I can do is pray.

In comparison, everything else looses it's value.

A Painful Disillusionment....

2005-08-07T14:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not the person that I used to be and yet I still pretend.

It kills me

2005-08-05T10:39:00.000-05:00

I just spent the last 3.75 hours writing a post/working and when I hit publish post it disappears.

Fuck that.

And it WAS NOT an ID10T error, a PEB-KAC error, or a SFU error.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGG..........

Other computer errors from AB....

2005-08-04T14:49:00.000-05:00

Othere fun Computer Errors that I'm guilty of

PEB-KAC
problem exists between - keyboard and chair

SFU

stupid fucking user

Yea, I qualify, but still. Aren't they fun?

Do you see me or who I want you to see?

2005-08-04T08:37:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to be drunk last night. *Pout* Which was probably really good for me. Seriously, with the mood I've been in lately I would have gotten into trouble. I would have enjoyed getting into trouble, but it still would have been trouble....

NN had a lot of good things to say yesterday. I always enjoy talking to him...

I packed so much last night. I just need to move. 6 more days.....

Okay, so I'm in charge of SP's outfit for her bachelorette party now. I had to buy stuff last night for it. I'm pretty sure the cashier at walmart thinks I'm nuts. Tulle, wire, floral ribbon, princess dress up set, fake flowers, and of course condoms. She gave me the weirdest look. I tried explaining that is was for a party, but she didn't believe me.

I bought a bed yesterday. Go me. And really expensive sheets. They're blue. I have a texture fetish.

More good news. TG is moving from a house to a condo and is selling me some furniture. A couch and loveseat that are futons and a matching coffee table. I can have sleepovers. or orgies. (delete that comment)

I'm going to have 3 pools.

I need to get paid again....There never seems to be enough money....

I'm listening to Rascal Flatts today. They make me happy. It reminds me to cherish the good things in my life....

I feel like a trophy today. I've been held up all morning in front of incoming students. "And this is one of our students, Sara." I stand, smile, shake hands, and answer repetative questions that no one hears the answers to. Then I sit down and wonder why I do it. Why do I dress like I'm a Carmel housewife that only works because she can? Because I get paid to. I have a job so that my boss can hold me up in front of Alumni and members of committies and say, "Here is one of our students. Isn't she great? Isn't she perfect?" I play the part. I almost feel as if I'm loosing my identity to who they all expect me to be. Who am I anyway? Does it even matter? Would it even matter if they new that every day I go home, put on a miniskirt, and do all of things that they pray their kids will never be exposed to? Maybe I do live a double life. It's hard. I can't be me at work and by the time I get home I just want to explode from the suffication. I guess it's good training for my career someday. Everything is appearances. That's why I have a job.

Sex.

2005-08-03T13:40:00.000-05:00

I asked this question of AB earlier today, but I'm still pondering. When a guy and girl have a conversation why does sex always enter into it? His answer: because it's natural for a guy and girl.

I think of this and of the why can't guys and girls be friends arguement and I think that they are connected. (Obviously)

With sex as a common topic of conversation than a guy and girl can not be friends because talking about it make you think about it makes you do it. The power of suggestion. So basically if you want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex you can't ever talk about sex. But then doesn't it make it more of a prominant thought because you're trying not to talk about it? So a guy and girl can never truely be just friends. Unless they're related. But that doesn't work in Kentucky does it? My mind refused to accept this. I will have guy friends and I will not have sex with them and I will continue to talk about sex whenever and however I please. I wish the world followed my logic.

I have an hour left of work in which to ponder this and the many other thoughts flying through my head, but it makes me so unhappy to think that I can't have guy friends. That sucks. Or at least that I can't have long term guy friends. I think the life of a guy/girl friendship is probably 2 years. At least that's how long I've always been able to make it before something happens.

Like JRM. Things have never been the same. And nothing even happened. I never should have let him sleep over.....

I guess that just proves everything true, doesn't it?

Giddy happy mood....

2005-08-03T10:29:00.000-05:00

I'm getting drunk tonight.

Good times......

2005-08-02T09:16:00.000-05:00

From Indianapolis Fax Daily:

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." "What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?" He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." I wrote I D 1 0 T.

For all of us that are computer illiterate..

I thought it was funny. I bought stuff for my car yesterday. A midnight blue and pink steering wheel cover and pineapple coconut airfresheners and she's getting beads instead of flowers. (The blueberry had flowers.) I love her so much. She's perfect for me.

I really need to focus on packing right now. It's just so depressing to look at my living room and see nothing but boxes. I hate it. And with my TV in my bedroom, it's not exactly fun to be out there. OH, my TV is being a bitch. Some of the pixels are fried. (Is it pixels in a TV?) I have a green spot that sometimes turns pink. Anyone out there know anything about TVs?

HA, CM just yelled at me for hitting the play button again for Copeland's Beneath Medicine Tree CD. WTF, mate? I realize that I've been listening to if since 7, but still....it's just sooooo good. I think I'll switch to Onelinedrawing after lunch. I'm eating mini teddy grahams honey. Yummy. I wanna' go see Dukes of Hazard this weekend. I grew up watching that show with my daddy and I realize that it's going to be A LOT different, but still. I love Jonny Knoxville. Almost as much as I love Bam Magera. (Left overs from my skateboarding days, I guess.)

OH, Adrian was trying to "refresh my memory" with skateboarding on Thursday. We were doing 4 ft. drop ins. It all started coming back and I loved it. I wanna take my board out and play later, but I can't on campus because it's Illegal and I live on campus.

Oh, my song's on....I'm serious about Priceless being my first dance at my wedding reception. I think. It's the kind of love that I want in my life. And I'm going to have to marry someone that likes Copeland. And can sing Phantom of the Opera. And play guitar. And likes to read. And be outside. But mostly someone that I can be quiet with. Comfortable silences. Is it weird that I've never had those?

Lately it seems like there are a great many people having the same delemas that I am. Mainly the what to put in your blog and not feeling like you can freely express yourself in "here". I honestly don't know what to tell people. I know that by having a second blog, I still don't feel free to express myself. That's why I use initials and even codes for people. That way I can say what I mean and there aren't any aftershocks. My grammer sucks ass.

I can babble on for hours, but there really isn't anything to say...see you all sooner or later....

And Scene...........

2005-08-01T09:15:00.000-05:00

I feel like I should write about the wedding, but I really don't want to think about it anymore. It was an unorganized affair. JP, JW, BS, and I did our best to make it happen. We actually pulled it off, much to SMJ now SMC's enjoyment. I'm just glad she's happy. I need to recover.....

I was good seeing everyone again. Lots of gaps to fill in here.....

My car died. I think I've officially retired the Blueberry Bombshell. I now have Bonnie Bluebell. (I'm still working on the name.) I love her. She's perfect for me.....

I'm working the Brickyard 400 this Saturday. It's going to be a long day. I need to be at the track at 4:30 a.m. But at least this way I have a hope at having fun this weekend. It really depends on how much sleep I get this week what I do. I want to hit the TSAV party that night, but who knows. And if I do go I'll just be dead the entire time.....I don't know what to do.....I'll think about that later....

I received the invite for SP's wedding while I was gone. August 27th. Maybe it's a sign...It's kind of like I have to chose between my college friends and my high school friends every time I turn around. I'm not sure who's more important.... I guess I'm still holding on to the past.

This weekend really called into question how important the girls are to me and how much I miss them. It's all changing so fast. They say that I'm the scadelous one in the group. How true. If they only knew the half of it....

I'm still uncertain about XYZ. I'm trying to figure it out, but I realize that I never can. "Life is a mystery to be lived, not a puzzle to be solved." How true. Just go with it?

I need to do some soul searching. I'll do that after I move. Oh, the new address for those interested is 426-D Canal Court South Drive. It's almost here....

We fight the fights that need fighting.......

2005-07-27T10:58:00.000-05:00

Someone take my bad luck. Please?

SMJ called yesterday and informed me that her wedding would be ruined unless we all had our nails done. She and the rest of the bridal are going this morning in Bloomington. So I should have mine done before I head done there tonight. FUCK YOU. I don't even want to be in your wedding. I quit.......

So, I had my nails done last night. When I came out of the store, amid ashes falling from the sky, there was a cop standing beside my Blueberry Bombshell. He asked if it was my car. Yes. Can he see my lisence? Yes. Was I aware that I am underage and there was a bottle of alcohol on my passenger seat? No, it's a bottle of carmel flavoring from Starbucks, but you're more than welcome to look at it. He took my keys and opened the door himself. Looked at the bottle and shockingly said, "Well, that's a first." And I drove home.

I didn't set my alarm last night. Rolled over at 7 and wondered why my alarm hadn't gone off. I also shocked myself into actually getting out of bed within 60 minutes of waking up (that never happens. it takes at least 73 minutes to decide that I can face the day).... But I made it to work by 7:20. Thank God. It didn't matter, no one was here, but still.........

My car was towed last night. A nice police officer gave me a ride to work. Apparently, even after hours I am not allowed to park in a Campus Housing lot with a North Street Garage pass. I LIVE IN CAMPUS HOUSING. I've explained this. The weird part is it was towed by campus police and not parking services, but whatever. I've talked my way into getting my car back, for free. Really, they had no right to tow it and Joy loves me. She's the secretary at the Police Department.

Adam, darling, you don't want my bad luck......

On the upside, I'm talking to a guy from Austin, TX. He's fun. Goes to Texas Tech. Same last name as me. We both collect Riddles. (lol) We might hang out next time I'm in Houston. Not really sure how I feel about that. Will think about it more later....

JRM pisses me off. He's been a great friend for two years. I love him. (not like that) But he doesn't own me. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. He says that he's protecting me. FROM WHAT? Him? Because in the last two years he should have learned that generally I can handle drunk guys. (It really depends on how drunk I am.) But because I don't drink anymore this really shouldn't be a problem, now should it?

I guess I think that if I can handle RL then I can handle anyone. I dragged someone that out weighs me by 150lbs up three flights of stairs and convienced him (by force) that he was not sleeping with me. And RL is an angry drunk. I handled the combination of JRM, D, C, and S when they were trashed. Even half passed out on the floor of a living room I handled D. Don't tell me that I need you to take care of me!

Honestly I think he's pissed about me being friends with AB. Their Frat brothers, but they aren't exactly friends. I don't know the details. Everything was fine until recently. Why are guys stupid sometimes? (sorry.)

This brings up another point. Why can't guys and girls be friends? I love hanging out with guys. I feel safe. There isn't any of the BS that there is when hanging out with girls. It's simple. But guys don't like being "just a friend". What's the big deal? I value my friends 10 times more than any "guy" in my life. (Maybe that's a problem.) But truthfully, I can't take any relationship seriously right now, nor do I want one. I can go out and have fun and enjoy myself, but there isn't anything there. Why do I always end up having to fight out this same arguement? Everyone is just a friend right now, because I don't want/can't handle anything more. And maybe I'm going to turn around tomorrow and find the guy of my dreams and things will change. I don't know. But it's so frusterating.

I always feel so defeated after having this argument. Does it even matter how I feel or what I want? What I need? I guess these are the reasons why I've been pushing away lately. I've been fighting the same argument with everyone. The same questions echoing in my mind. Why are we just friends? How did this happen? How can I fix this?
So I fight the same fight and argue the same reasons. But the friendship is never the same and I always feel like I've lost something. I hate feeling like this.

It's lunch time, not really, but I'm hungry. Popcorn. I want popcorn. Okay, time for me to sign off. Everyone have a great weekend. I'll be handling Bridezilla SMJ, soon to be SMC....ha. See y'all lata.........

2005-07-26T11:35:00.000-05:00

I knew you lied
For I could tell by your eyes.
I’ve seen it too many times,
In mirrors and windows.
The confusion, pain and hurt;
Nothing new, but still fresh.

I won’t feel sorry for you.
I expect more than that.
But truly I feel pity or remorse;
Such wasted emotions.
I saw through your lies
Nothing but smoke and shadow.

I let you believe I didn’t see
In vain you believed my lie.
Which of us is worse, in truth
The one who lies or the one that believes?
Insecure in and of it all
How was our trust ever apparent?

Now looking back we wonder
How much of the truth was lies?
Was there ever honesty in all the words?
Could we have ever been?
Will we ever be again?
Is that even what we want?

In complete truth, the future is unforeseen
It’s all mist, fog, and ghosts.
No one will ever know of the anguish
Nor the confusion inside us both.
We will get through all of this,
Either together or apart.

It’s hard to even think now.
Too many what ifs and what mays.
I only wish you the best
In life and in love.
Go with honor and strength,
For now that is all there is.

A whirlwind disaster

2005-07-26T10:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday started with suck promise and potential for goodness. And it failed. Miserably.

My car died. When I arrived at work the drivers window wouldn't go up. When I left work my car was dead. We jumped it and it currently makes a grinding noise when I start it. I think that my battery is dying and that the starter is drawing too much energy from the battery when it tries to start. My daddy agrees. So I have an appointment to get it check out later today. Go me.

I might be homeless for 39 hours. The people in my new apartment have decided not to move out until August 7th and the complex has a policy of a 5 day waiting period between occupants for cleaning and painting, etc. I have to be out of my current apartment by 5:00 p.m. on August 10th. This creates a problem in my life. Steven at Canal Gardens is checking with maintenance to see if they can hurry up the process so we can move in on time. I hope so. If not I'll be in Westfield/Carmel at Matt's for 39 hours. And my parents won't be able to help us move. And Angie's Dad has to fly out on Thursday, so we'll be alone. So in perfect Scarlett O'Hara fashion I'll not think about this now. I'll think about it later. I need to quit reading Gone with the Wind. It's bad for me. But I just love Scarlett. She's a spoiled brat, but she's strong and she copes well.....

My dishwasher melted the glue holding my silverware together. I'm not sure how this happened. Everything's been fine for two years, but yesterday when I got home and attempted to empty my dishwasher......it was weird and gross.

My work computer crashed. The program files are corrupt. I have a replacement POS right now. I think I just have talent with computers......

I'm blaming MM. I have his bad luck. But things have to start going better right? Too much bad stuff and then have to have some good. It's they way the universe works. Here hoping.....

Lata y'all....

Back home in Indiana.......

2005-07-25T13:03:00.000-05:00

I loved Texas. I miss Texas. I'd give my left kidney to be back there. And I really do love my sister. Memmers. I swear, little sister syndrome and all that........

It is good to be back in Indiana, though. I took my parents and grandparents to Moggers in T.H. on Saturday. They loved it. We also attended mass at my mom's old church and drove past their old house, school, work....It was nice. I've never felt like Niagra Falls, NY was truely mom's home. She lived there until she was five and then they moved to T.H. until she was ten. I really felt a connection driving around and seeing where my mom grew up. It gave me the actual locations of so many pictures. Places that I've longed to see because their part of my mom. She's so amazing. Mom hadn't been back since they moved 40 years ago, it was weird to watch her remember things and listen to the stories they told.

I feel stronger in my bliefs lately. It's like I feel prepared to defend the principles that I stand for. I like that.

I move soon. I'm really apprehensive. More on that later. I can only think about one stressful event at a time and that one has to wait until after SMJ/GFC wedding on Saturday.

I've realized that I don't think that XYZ is the person I initially thought he was. This isn't good or bad. Just different. Haven't really thought about that in depth. Maybe I'm just seeing the shell and not looking for anything deeper anymore, but I don't know. He seems more closed, more standoffish, I guess. I think that I was looking for something that I wanted to find and not looking for what was really there. You'd be surprised how often I do that. I could be wrong. It could actually be there, but somehow I doubt that if it is there I'll be allowed to see it. It's hard to work past the defense mechanisms of others without letting your own sheilds down. We'll see.

Texas gave me perspective. In a lot of areas of my life. I like that.

Interesting quote:

"Why alone?"
"Alone is good. Alone is safe. Alone assures that you won't ever be hurt again."

I'd like to point out the word AGAIN. And how this is obviously by a person that has been hurt deeply and never wants to feel that way again.

Watched Kinsey last night. Interesting. It made me think about the concept of normality a lot. And how you can be too devoted to your work. I recommend it. I own it. Let me know if you want to borrow it. Not a must see, but if you're in a thinking mood........ Also, it's very liberal with it's use of sex as a topic.

I think that's all. I have to go shopping for work tonight. Go me.

Tuition sucks. 19 credit hours suck. I'm going to become a stripper. Make more money that way. Then again........maybe not.

I'm impatient with people.

I need to buy a desk and a bed and new speaker wire.

I think I'm working at the Brickyard 400. And GenCon...maybe. Depends on when classes start. But it'd be really fun. I like the guys that I worked the Star Wars Convention with from GenCon....I just dunno. We'll think about it. But it's free admission into it for the weekend.....Yikes. I could get into a lot of trouble.

My brain is on overload. My hair is long. I'm chopping it all off soon. It'll be really short. Or I could just do layers. I'm taking opinions on this. Okay time to go. I must work.....

Days Spent in Houston......

2005-07-20T21:25:00.000-05:00

So we got to Houston on Monday around 3ish.... Somehow we managed to get everything moved in here and unpacked. Then we went to Chilli's for dinner. Stocked the refrigerator on the way home and headed to the pool. Dad and I have been having dunking wars for the past three days. We're all being a bunch of kids.

Yesterday we spent the morning at IKEA. God, I'm in love. I could literally spend a week in that store and be happy. It's huge. I'm definitly hitting up the one in Chicago soon. Apparently Indy is supposed to be getting one in the new addition by the airport, but who really knows about that kind of stuff.... We grilled last night. That was really nice.

Today was really laid back. Amy had to get her car insurance, title, and lisence stuff all transferred to Texas. Oh and the car inspection....we need to do that in Indiana....good for the environment and all that.....

We are currently attempting to plan tomorrows fun filled activities. I'm being sarcastic..... my grandparents are ruining this trip for me. They critisize how I live at every turn. Even using the dishwasher gets me into a lecture. I love them, don't get me wrong, but I've definitly had enough close time with them. My Daddy feels the same way. At least we can bond over our misery.

Dad and I had such a great plan for tomorrow. We were going to go to Kemah Boardwalk in Clearlake, TX. It's right on the Gulf. Lots of water and beach....but grandma wants to go to quilt stores. Fuck her. I want to lay on the beach and soak up the rays with my sister. This is the last time I'm going to get to see her until November. It's so hard to leave her here. 1173 miles from my apartment. Mom, Ames, Dad, and I aren't handling this too well. Gma and Gpa are going to die soon. We voted. I won.

The drive home is going to kill me. It's good that I have my Rio Carbon with me. Lots of Linkin Park, Seether, Rob Zombi, Metallica, and other good anger music on it.

My grandfather should not have a lisence. He can't drive. And he has a van. It's scary. I literally can't sit up with him driving. I lay down and put on my headphone and close my eyes. I pray a lot that we'll make it to our destination. So far it's worked.

I'm currently being told that I've been on the internet for 30 minutes and that's way too long. I should come and sit in the living room and star mindlessly at the television like everyone else. God forgive me for wanting to be different or express myself in any way, shape, or form.......(the lecture was from grandma mary constance petts)

Fuck you.
Th

I'm in Texarkana, AK

2005-07-17T22:19:00.000-05:00

I'm literally in two places at once right now. Texas and Arkansas....I like it. I rode all day with Dad in the Penske BIG YELLOW moving truck.....It's been fun....

Mom isn't handling this too well. Amy isn't either. I wish I could help them through it......It's rough.

Greetings from Effingham, IL...

2005-07-16T21:15:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's pernounced F***ing Ham. LOL. I love the name.

Our grand adventure started today....Mission Move Amy to Texas has begun....This is harder than I thought it'd be....My grandparents aren't helping matters....and my lil bro SDR decided not to come. I really needed him for some sanity this week. I guess it's all going alright. I'll try to update while I'm on the rode going down.... I'll need to update on the way back, I can sense this...but it won't be available to me then....I guess it works....

I spent the day in the car with ACR....we actually didn't fight. I think we have a truce to make it through this week without fighting. I'm going to miss her so much.....I do actually love her....

Okay it's time to go run...after a day in the car I need to do something physical....

Bite me.........

2005-07-14T10:16:00.000-05:00

My Blog is being Fucking Retarded. I give up. I'm going to Texas on Saturday. See y'all in a week. Have fun without me. Hopefully my last two posts show up before I get back.

Need items to keep in my minibar. Will take suggestions.....

Jammin to Lovedrug while I clean out my desk. Do things ever get messy to the point where you freak out? Maybe it's just me.

Lata all!

And we did it all by hand.......ouch........

2005-07-11T09:21:00.000-05:00

My music line up for today is really....nice. Copeland, Jimmy Eat World, Spitalfield, Mae, Straylight Run, Onelinedrawing, Juliana Theory, Lovedrug. (Props to GFC for hooking me up this weekend!) It's definitely going to be a good day.

I spent the weekend with SMJ and GFC in Bloomington. They're great, they really are. I think they've both grown up since the became engaged. I'm really glad that they have. Don't get me wrong, they still have their "problems" but I'm glad that they've learned to adapt to each others' living styles. We'll see how things turn out after the wedding...

Friday night was really disturbing for me. SMJ and I were laying on the floor discussing our past "relationships". I guess I'm just not seeing things with rose tinted glasses anymore. We reached the conclusion that AL was the worst thing to have ever happened to me.

YOu know how all of your relationships pattern, to an extent, off of your first relationship.....well it kinda sucks like that. How could I have been THAT stupid? I guess I just see him for the pedophile that he was. Why didn't I see it at the time. From the six months that I spent under his...influence?...I see why I've continually ruined relationships for the last five years. I wonder if I could ever change....

On to happier thoughts.........

I almost bought a guitar and a puppy this weekend. The puppy was, by far, more expensive. Why is that? But she was sooooooo cute.... and she had breeding rights. Not that I would breed her, but still....American Eskimo puppies....Awwwwww....

SJM and I made a slip cover, by hand, for her and GFCs couch....It's gorgeous...Cream and Blue....It makes the apartment more....homey? cozy?...something like that....

JRW called me on my way back from B-town. When the opening lines of a conversation are "OMG, Guess what...I'm engaged!.......Tell me about the guys in your life..." I freak out. BS and I are the only two of my group of 7 from high school that aren't engaged/married. CNM/JM got married last summer. SMJ/GFC are getting married on the 30th. SP/what's his name are getting married Aug. 20. JP/JO got engaged in April. JW/MP just got engaged. And they all follow up the news with "....so when are you getting engaged?" Never? I'm too young. They don't understand it. 26. I'll start considering the possibility when I'm 26. If I can't take care of myself and be alright alone, I'm never going to be alright with someone....I guess that's just how I view things....am I wrong?

*************************************************************************************

I really hate not using peoples true names. This initial thing is horrible and confusing. No one ever really knows who you're talking about. But I guess I'm even worse. I have ABC and XYZ. Maybe I should just start using names again....I dunno.

*************************************************************************************

Fuck it. PJJ, my boss, was supposed to be in PA for three days. She was afraid to get on the airplane and decided to stay. Okay. Well I'm not going to get anything done before I leave for Texas. This sucks. Now I wish I had bought a Zao CD this weekend. I could use someone screaming at me to block out the sound of her voice...

Later gater,

The dreams we dream.......

2005-07-08T09:10:00.000-05:00

You only see what I want you to see
You've never known more than that
I've wanted to relax, but I could never just be
I've spent too long driven by hate and fear
I need you to know, it isn't you
It's the pain that pushes when you're near
My constant companion and cloke
But more, the stone wall
With it's hazardous mote

Forgive me for the pain I've caused
You don't deserve any of these scars
You've given me all of your mind and spirit
But in truth, I'm not ready for your heart
First I must release all of this pain
Hopefully I'll find my rest
I hope that when I'm released you'll be waiting
I understand if you cannot
I know your heart can only take so much

Know that my heart goes with you
Even if I can't give you it's love
My mind and spirit will always remember
For you are the love I've lost
This is my fault, not yours
I've ruined what we could have had
But if you want to stay
I'll do my best to share with you
Everything I have left to give

****************************************************

It came to me in a dream of XYZ. Slowly but surely......maybe someday I'll be ready to try again..........

Lights Out.........Curtain Call

2005-07-07T09:11:00.000-05:00

When you walk into work and there are no lights, what do you think? Day off right? Not so much........I got to sit at my desk and crochet for two hours. In the dark. Not my best work, but okay.

My apartment makes me sick. It's such a mess. I locked myself in my bedroom so I wouldn't have to look at it last night. My anal retentive neat freak side is spazing out, but I just don't have the energy to attack the mess, yet. So it keeps getting worse. It's my plan to clean this weekend. I want to have as much of the big stuff done as possible so that I don't have very much to do when I get back from Houston!

Do you know what's really depressing? I legally cannot make enough money to pay my bills. The government regulates that I can only work 40 hours a week, it's a University thing.... I can't do it.

****************************************************************************

So........today's been one of those days when I knew I wasn't going to leave work after 8 hours, but still........it's 4:30....I should've been gone 90 minutes ago....hmmm.....Oh well, more hours I guess....I need to go home and clean....

Fun Days

2005-07-06T12:28:00.000-05:00

I hung out with an old friend last night,ABC. It's weird how much we've both changed, and yet remained the same...We really should make more of an effort to keep in touch....

This weekend is going to be a relaxed chaos. I have to *seriously clean* my apartment. I got rid of the cats last night, so now I can focus on getting everything ready to move. August 10th is just going to be hectic. We have 8 hours to get into our new apartment, clean it, move everything, and clean our old apartments (yes that last apartments was plural). I'm glad that mom is coming down to help me. I don't know what we'd do without her. She can bring my bed and "other stuff" and possibly a futon down with her, so I won't have to store that stuff. I need to buy a bed. I trying to decide what size to buy...I'm really thinking KING. I have a full right now and going back to a twin would be really hard, and if I'm upgrading I might as well go all the way, right?

I have training for my second job tonight. Why am I doing this to myself? I don't have the time or the energy for two jobs right now. It'll be easier during school, but still.....ugggghhh.....I'm not very happy with my schedule for the fall. I only have 17 credit hours. I need one more. I'm thinking about a fun class. Scuba diving or advanced swing dance or something of the like.... I'm really taking an easy load. Micro Economics, ASL, Human Geography, Economics of Tourism, and Sports Management. Honestly, I'm going to need something to challenge me. But it might be nice having an easy semester, but I do want to graduate soon.... I wonder if I even have to take Micro Economics....I took the AP in High School...we'll see about that...I love AP classes.......well Calc was my favorite, but that's because everything involved a computer game or Mr. Gilli. That was great. we were taught to write programs to do everything instead of learning how to do them...I'm good as long as I have a graphing calculator and Mr. Gilli (the program). I hate IU for not allowing graphing calculators. (shakes fist in air)........

I love rereading my stream of conscious........thought patterns are entertaining...don't you think? or do you not think? hmm........

I have to finish my dream girl application, don't I? I know it's on this damn computer somewhere........Now I just need to find it....oh, hell.....i'm starting a new one....i promise it'll get ther someday.....

25 more minutes of work.....that's nice....we'll and then there's the other job, but still....and i have to check on the cats.....dear Lord above.......shoot me now....but it's almost Friday!

Okay, time to call it a day-ish.....night cats and kittens!

What kind of kisser are you....?

2005-07-06T08:50:00.000-05:00

Part Shy Kisser

You *do* love to kiss, once your comfortable with it
And that means knowing the person you're kissing pretty well
You usually don't make the first move when it comes to making out
But you've got plenty of intensity in return

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

My Tour O'Indiana is now complete.....

2005-07-05T10:21:00.000-05:00

This weekend was great...

The cities visited included, but was not limited too..
Indianapolis, IN
Columnbus, IN
Noblesville, IN
Marion, IN
Albion, IN
Churubusco, IN
Columbia City, IN
Warsaw, IN
Roanoke, IN
Fort Wayne, IN
Terre Haute, IN
Rushville, IN
Shelbyville, IN

It was fun....lots of driving though....

I miss being home. I looked at all of my scrapbooks and even brought some pictures back with me for my desk...I shouldn't miss high school this much...I think I just miss the way that it was. The simplistic reality...

I realize how much I miss the guys at Saint Francis...it's hard to believe they're all graduating/have graduated....I really miss PD and AW....AW always made me think, until my head hurt, about everything from religion to cartoons. I fell in love with "good" music there too....CKY!!! lol....but more of the Denison Witmer, Copeland, etc.... I really miss PD. He always sang to us, and drew pictures, and made up songs on his guitar, he was such a mystery to me...always that barely visible softer side....I see that in people now....I loved the side of him that came out while we were alone....it wasn't what he said, we rarely talked, but it was just sitting there. The way that he'd hold me...how he always smelt my hair.....I miss that........we had so much fun/got into so much trouble....we were both always ready to do anything......I still cant' believe that we got aways with kidnapping them......handcuffs, blindfolds, all of it.....I'm looking at the picture right now...

I see that softer side in someone. We'll call him XYZ. In his eyes. The front that he puts up. Those few unguarded moments when you see something real....the emotion behind it all....is it obvious that I like him? It's weird....I feel like the second I saw him something registared inside me....a kindred spirit perhaps...I just wish there were a time or place to say something...

.....and I have just conducted a search for PD...has it really been two years?..... damn it if he just wasn't fun to hang out with......

Seeing TSAH was fun, funny, interesting.....I dunno....I felt really nervious being there...That and I was really grouchy that night....I think it was too much time in the car...I'm sorry all....I wanted to kill T at IHOP....playing in the sprinklers was soooo much fun...I actually got to play with fireworks! That's a first...I had sparklers!!! They made me happy. Driving back to Indy was a big mistake...God, I was so tired, but I made it. It was weird being sober in a room of drunk people, but entertaining.

I miss JRM. Between him and XYZ there lies the perfect guy. They both epitimize what I'm looking for. JRM sees this side of me that others don't. He gets my need for physical space and my homegrown country roots....he snores...he's a frat boy...he's nuts...he drives a truck...

I'm utterly confused.....I see the possibility and probability of loving both JRM and XYZ...and it's confounding....
***********************************************************************************
Day 46 of 60. I'm almost done. Knowing that and getting to day 60 are two completely different things. I know that people aren't supposed to self medicate, but forcing myself to do a 60 day detox isn't really self medicating, is it? I do have to say that today is one of the harder days.

For so long I was on the downward spiral and now, trying to climb back up it all is hard. And I don't know if I can do it. Actually I know that I can do this. From experience. Why are drugs so tempting to me? I'm lethargic. Maybe that's why I like drugs? The day's almost over. I'll be good soon. 13 days left.
***********************************************************************************

For you XYZ,

I hate it when you look at me
The gleam in your eyes,
it says that you see it all.
That you see through my facade,
know that it's not the real me.
But in those moments,
I see through your mask too.

I see your pain and despair.
I wish that I could take it away,
although I'm not the cause.
You're hopelessness intrigues me.
I want you to see,
all love is not lost.

I want to give you faith and peace of mind.
Heal your pain with patience.
But in spite of it all,
you truely terrify me.
And that is why I am silent.

the days we remember..........

2005-07-01T08:34:00.000-05:00

Everyone says that college is the best time of your life....the time that you will remeber for the rest of your life. People spend years looking back and wishing they were still here.....why?.....it's fun, i love it.....but why would you want to spend the rest of your life doing something this hard?......this is the time when you decide the rest of your life.....when you figure out who you are....not knowing who you are from one day to the next....making friends that you know will end up living on the other side of the country......you set yourself up for hurt.....but by trying to protect yourself from the hurt, you do more harm than good.....it's hard to balance the equation.....but it'll all equal out in the end, won't it?

I'm still in a really good mood....go to bed happy....wake up happy.....have a happy day....sister sara sunshine........was i this annoyingly happy in high school? .... don't answer that.....i don't want to know........

I have dinner tonight with one of my my scholarship donors.....I miss the NCCF...... I had some good times with them.....

This weekend is looking exceptionally full........of driving.......I don't know.....the hermit idea does have merit....there's so much I want to do, but it's all 3 hours away from everything else....we'll see....

I started re-re-re-re-re-re-rereading Gone with the Wind last night. Margaret Mitchell is an amazing writer....I like Scarlett, but the author didn't do as good of a job.....I know that they spent years trying to find someone with the same writing style as MM, but it still didn't seem right....the second author had a flair for the fantastic that MM didn't use......still, good books.....

I max out on hours at 2:45 today.....that's so nice......until then coke with lime is doing it's best to keep me from going bonkers.......do you remember that show? it was a cartoon.....a cop that was a cat.......that's crazy..........crazy? i was crazy once, they locked me in a padded room until i died and when i died they burried me with bugs. bugs? bugs make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once........it just keeps going on and on.....gotta love steph.......

I think Breaking Benjamin is scaring the children.....wow....time for the MEAP lunch....good times....I'll hopefully see you all this weekend, if not then have a great 4th of July!!!

Still cleansing on day 41......(revisited)

2005-06-30T08:21:00.000-05:00

I'm scared.....seriously.....I know who I was for the last 7 months. I'd like to hide behind the fact that I didn't really know what I was doing and the I was chemically altered by choice, but was I really? I've been completely absorbed in my anger and hurt.....at everyone. So I did things to forget about that......but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm clean......which makes me a different person....

I'm not sure how people are going to react to me changing like this. The anger is still here, the hurt its constant companion, but it's all out there now.....and the truth shall set you free......

am I really free? or am I know a casualty of my own truth? The reality in which I live isn't really reality at all, but a projection of what I want reality to be.....

she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar

Is being open like this really what I want?.....

It's not that I have things to hide, it's that I'm a victim of my own fear.

I remember when I'd run to you in fields of white flowers

we'll see............

************************************************************************

On a happier note. I'm playing a serious practical joke on someone. I'm doing it with a friend. I hope that this person doesn't get mad. That's really all I can say for now.....I'll let you know how it turns out.......

I need you, like the dragonfly's wings needs the wind

************************************************************************

Today I have realized how much I miss green food. I miss iceberg lettece and romaine lettece and spinage and "red" cabbage. Yummmyyyyyyy salads.....and carrots....I'm in heaven.....I want grapes too..... But not in my salad......This salad is so good purely for the lack of greenery in my diet of late......colorful food is sooooo much more fun to eat......screw eating...I just wanna' look at it. pretty salad.....

Am I nuts? I'm too happy today. PJJ asked if I got laid....negatory.....but I'm glowing like it, anyway.....but she also thinks that I look like a Carmel Housewife....the outfit might influence that but no.....I couldn't do that....Oh yea, obiously my bosses are back (PJJ and KC) They missed me....yea....I missed getting their Diet Cokes for them too.....I'm accomplished a month of work in the last three days, simply because they haven't been here.....is that bad? well....maybe I've been slightly more driven too....put me under pressure and I get so much done....case and point: my interior design and textiles final projects.....at 6 of them freshman year fall semester....that was a great couple of days with no sleep.....

I'm not sure what I'm doing to celebrate the 4th.....i was supposed to be in Chicago with KJS but she has a physics final on tuesday and I always go home for the fireworks at the wizards stadium, but that's monday night and I have to work on Tuesday...and there's a thing at TSAV on Sunday...but if I go to that what would I do Monday? pack and clean....duh.....i need to be smacked in the head....i don't know if I want to drive that much....i'm going to become a hermit....nope....i need people too much.....OMG....I had a two person conversation with myself, outloud, at work....maybe i do need medical help.....no.....1.5 hours of work left.....is it really 1:30? ELWOOODDDD!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, he just came to visit......he quit about a year ago and was on contract doing tech support and networking all over the country for some company.....he gets me a shot glass everywhere he goes!!!.....he told me stories about taking his final from an airport in canada.....i miss him! and now I only have a hour left!!!!

I do actually love my job, even with it's bullshit........

40 Days Gone By....

2005-06-29T12:18:00.000-05:00

Batman was fun. I was a little disappointed with the kid that played young Bruce Wayne, but everything else was superb. SP and I were so dead yesterday. It was comical how tired we were. We split after the movie so we could both "go home and sleep." With the exception of a stop at Best Buy that's pretty much how it happened. I took a bubble bath and fell asleep to California (Copeland) last night. Sweet Bliss.....

I put together a really..interesting?....not the word I'm looking for....eclectic?....sure.....group of CDs for today at work. Breaking Benjamin (we are not alone) Copeland (beneath medicine tree) Lifehouse and Reliant K. It makes me want to curl up in my bay window and dream......

I've been singing to everyone today. (really off key) But people keep smiling...so I guess it works....

It seems like when I'm happy everyone else isn't. I wish I could change that.....

Is it really July? July is going to be nuts. It can't almost be here. Because there's Texas...and moving....and SMJ/GFC wedding...too much...brain overload....need sleep....danger sara beth danger....

lol. whatever...I wouldn't have it any other way.....

I owe it all to my girls ex boyfriend....

and now that we have that covered....:)

It's all for shits and giggles right?

Money is the root of all evil.....

I talked to NPN last night. Good talkin'. He just got his blog "edited to his satisfaction". whatever. He should be linked now. Nicky. Not much content. I'll give him time....

IIIIIIII gotta' get outta' here......

Randomness.....2.5 hours of work left. THANK GOD.

I look really cute today. The Frenchies are here......It's required right? I'm actually begining to like suits......wearing them at least. I've always liked guys in them.......weird....okay....moving on.....

I really like it when I type everything that enters my mind.....kinda different.....okay......

Oh, I did want to talk about this. CPP yelled at me! I deserved it, but still....He yelled.....It was.....yea.....He doesn't realize that I'm NEVER serious about anything....well generally....and for all the threatening that I do to kick peoples butt, I hate violence.......okay.......so everyone remember Sara=not serious....

It's going to rain.....soon.....and I'm off work soon....I can play in the rain....this is good.......

Hope everyone has a great day/night!

stolen...

2005-06-29T08:13:00.000-05:00

stole this from nick, who stole it from penny, who stole it from leah.....

3s
3 NAMES YOU GO BY:
Red
Sara Beth
Giggles

3 PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
Eyes
Hair
Hands

3 PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
Irish
Scotish
English

3 THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
Trusting people with my emotions
Being sad
My parents being disappointed in me

3 OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Camera
Music
Family

3 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
Promise ring
Sweet 16 ring
Black heels

3 OF YOUR ALL-TIME FAVOURITE BANDS:
Simon and Garfunkle
Smashing Pumpkins
Live

3 RECENTLY WATCHED MOVIES:
Batman Begins (with SP)
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (family)
Van Wilder

3 REASONS YOU'VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
Boredom.
Lack of Interest.
Disillusionment.

3 THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
Laughter.
Honesty.
Commitment.

3 PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
Eyes.
Hair.
Smile.

3 OF YOUR FAVOURITE PASTIMES:
Dance.
Insanity.
Randomness.

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:
Run.
Cook.
Move.

3 CAREERS YOU HAVE CONSIDERED OR ARE CONSIDERING:
Philinthropic Studies
Interior Design
Underwater Basket weaving

3 PLACES YOU WOULD LIKE TO TRAVEL TO:
Ireland
Scotland
Italy

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Truely love someone
Have a family
See the world

Cleansing Days

2005-06-28T09:36:00.000-05:00

First and foremost....SMJ and GFC are going to kill me. Their song is Brightest (Copeland) and I could have sworn that my Beneath Medicine Tree CD was one of the ones that wasn't stolen by Kimberly. Well.....aparently I was mistaken. Because I can't find it for the life of me. I'm so sorry guys. I think I'm just going to buy them a copy.........whatever, I'll figure it out.

I feel free today. I posted the whole CPP thing....all of it. Even things that I haven't told anyone....yesterday. And I've hidden it today, but that's not the point. Just knowing that it's all out there makes me feel so much better. I'm not hiding any of it anymore. There were so many things that I could never verbalize or even consider putting words to, but I have. It's all part of the healing process I guess.....

Things didn't work out with SP last night. We both just ended up being too busy to hang out. We've rescheduled for tonight.

So I went walking with CPP yesterday just like we used to last summer. Scarey. I see everything that I used to "like" about him. But I also see the things that I didn't want to see before. He doesn't have any goals, he doesn't believe in himself. It was really hard for both of us to see each other, let alone talk, but we did. We both realize that mentally we need to be friends because it makes everything right, but emotionally I don't think we can be. I don't really want to be. I'm healing, slowly but surely....

....Seeing him also makes me realize how important it is that I kick the habit. It's easier with KO gone. 39 days. The interesting part is that no one suspected anything. Or at least they didn't verbalize any concerns. I can do this. The first 7 days are always the worst. I'm through that. I can do this.

SMJ and GFC these are for you!

If you find yourself here
On my side of town
I pray that you'd come to my door

And talk to me
Like you don't know
What we ever fought about
I don't remember anymore

I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And she said that I was the brightest
Little firefly in her jar

And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And she says that I am the brightest
Little firefly in her jar

Stuff..........

2005-06-27T08:43:00.000-05:00

Questions from Bob:

1. You have to choose between the love of your life and your dreams. Which do you choose and why?
I can't have both? .........(extended period of time)..........the love of my life. Love is a dream at this point for me. I look back at the people that I've thought I loved and realize that I never really did. Sad. I believe that love is worth giving up my dreams for because with love there are new dreams. But my dreams include love, so by choosing either/or I'm not, in truth, giving either up. When I meet the right person I'll be willing to give up my dreams if they ask. But a person that loves you shouldn't ask you to give up your dreams, should they?

2. If you could live in any era, which would it be and why?
Probably ancient Scotland. Not medieval, but around there. I have a weakness for horseback riding and guys in kilts.....call it embracing my heritage... I wouldn't want to go back with everyone's little girls dream of being a princess, but an important clan member would be nice. But I don't think it'd live up to my expectations. It'd be harder than I expect it to be. I'd be more restricted as a female.....The clothes are cool and I love castles.....and the kilts (have I mentioned that yet?) I honestly think that my personality fits that time period better than it does right now.

3. If you were to look back on your life, when would be your "good ole days" and why?
The "good ole days" would have to be when I was a kid. The oblivious nature and endless curiosity weren't spoiled yet. I felt free then. I played in the rafters of barns and spent my summers at crooked lake playing in the lake and walking the trails, everything was simple. It seems that with age the simple joys in life have been spoiled by a cynical mind.

4. You can change one thing about you. What do you choose to change?
My eyes. They're the feature that I love the most about myself, but I hate how people that truly know me can see through them. I can never fool my parents or Sherie or Dustin. Everything is there for the world to see, I've learned to hide most of it in the last year. (Sherie even remarked on how hard it was for her to read me this weekend.) At the right moments my soul is bear, I'd change that...

5. I am told I have my mother's eyes. What do you want your kids to get from you?
I want them to have the spirit that hides inside me. I want them to know the endless joy that comes from being free and living your dreams. But most of all I want them to have my capacity to love each person that comes into their life, should they choose to.

Weekend Recap:
The Bachelorette Party went well, in spite of the hotel be total dumb fucks.
Saturday was fun. Lunch with my cousin Matt and hanging out with Sherie and Steph.
Started packing on Sunday for my big move. Cross your fingers for the end of July.

Other Stuff:
I love Scott Adams because he writes Dilbert Cartoons/Comics
I'm too tired to work. Must sleep soon.
Hanging out with Scott tonight in Greenwood.

I have a really in depth post started, but it's not where I want it to be yet....we'll see what happens when I'm not this mentally fried.

4x4 Trucks....ahhhhhhhhh

2005-06-24T12:20:00.000-05:00

Why do I go completely gaga for a guy with a bright, shiny, new 4x4 truck. It helps that he listens to country and works construction, and is completely adorable. Named Kyle. Ahhhhhhhhh. 10 minutes and I'm ready to have his children. He's the perfect combination of home grown country and engineer. wow. And talk about those guns.....

.......and yesterday kimmer and i discussed our complete lack of interest in guys...........

......So I'm not as heavily medicated today. I think that I should be. I'm not going to make it through the party tonight. I'll snap and kill......

......I like popcorn. Specifically Orville Redenbacher's Kettle Corn. YUMMMMYYYYYYY :).......

........My mocha frapachino kinda sucks. too much mocha. not enough frapachino. I think I should just get a caffine drip installed. Although I'm already bouncing off the walls......

.........I think I had too many pain killers yesterday. There's still a fog between me and what I want to do. It's like my brain won't kick into high gear. That and the caffine are a dangerous combination........

.........Baker you stupid nut! I LOVE YOU! (We're on the phone.)The TKEs are throughing a "Rock Out with Your Cock Out" party on Saturday at the house. He thinks that I "definitely need to be there". LOL, because I feel like getting busted for underage drinking, again. Go Alex, dirty drunk. I hope it's as good as his "Friday Night: Get Crunk" party. He's awesome.........

..........I dunno. It kinda depends on what MJ is up to. I might actually watch all of the star wars movies this weekend. It's kinda a go hard or go home situation. If I'm going to watch them it's going to be in his theatre and it's going to be all at one.....we'll see.........

....Is anyone following my train of thought? weird........

Lata gaters. Oh, and call me tonight. Please. I cant' handle the girls for long. We'll be at the Sports Comedy Club from 7-9 but outside of that. CALL ME!

Ouch.

Tag.....you're it now, too!

2005-06-24T09:07:00.000-05:00

If you get tagged you have to list 5 songs that you have been stuck on recently and tag 5 more people, and remember no tagbacks!

Songs I’ve Been Stuck On
1. Be My Escape - Reliant K
2. Speak - Lindsay Lohan
3. You Wanted More - Tonic
4. Old Apartment - Bearnaked Ladies
5. My Own Worst Enemy - Lit

Tag, You’re It!
1. Katie
2. Stephanie
3. Nick
4. Mike
5. Bob

2005-06-23T13:41:00.000-05:00

I"m heavily medicated today. Good stuff. Katy isn't medicated today. That's bad. I like Z99.5 as a radio station. Not such a fan of Smiley, but still. The music is decent. A lot of stuff from the 90s. I have crayons.

I'll revise this later

Speak.....let it out......give it to me

2005-06-22T07:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was just.....surreal.

Everybody's got a point of view
And the right to their own opinion
don't be scared of what I'm gonna do
When you let me know your intuition

No one makes you think
That I wont get it
No one makes you think that
I wont get your love tonight

Paula's decided that it's her mission to find me a husband.....ASAP. It doesn't matter that a serious relationship isn't a priority for me right now, she's going to find me one. I don't get it........

Speak your come and let it out
Give it to me you know that I can take it
Speak because the more you say the more I know I'm at ease
Come on don't keep me waiting now
I don't wanna guess, not a test, tell me what your thinking
Keep it real, know we deal
Tell me what your dreaming
Speak let it out... Breathe

It cant be wrong it can only be right
Just show me what you are feeling
You'll be surprised that how easy it is
Just open up its so healing

I picked Art (Paula's bf) up from the airport around 2. He's great. We haven't gotten to spend a lot of time together, but we bonded yesterday. lol. Drinks at Chancellor's. She called around 4:30 and we picked her up from work for Happy Hour at TGI Fridays. Honestly, the only thing I enjoy about being in a suit/excessively dressed up everyday is not being carded anywhere. That, and I was with two people old enough to be my parents. Go figure.

So what makes you think that I wont get it
So what makes you think that I wont get your love tonight.

I got the stuff for the shirts for the party this weekend. The cats aren't helping me with that.....I have to get the backs done tonight and the fronts done tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me. Work is looking up today so far.....I'm only an hour into the day....Hope everyone out there has a great humpday and a great weekend!

Bee Gees - I Surrender

2005-06-21T08:59:00.000-05:00

My life is really mundane. Seriously.....at 10 last night I was sitting in bed, watching TV Land and attempting to study for my final. Oh, and spraying my houseguests, Fefe and Lulu, with a squirt gun when they jumped onto my bed. They didn't get it.

This weekend is going to be interesting. The Bachelorette Party is here. I still have to make the shirts. Oppsssss.....I'll do that tonight. I can't believe that everyone is coming. I didn't predict that. I have to go get prizes too. I wish there were a Stoner's Funstores in Indy.

It'll be good to see the girls again. We haven't all been together since Christmas of our Freshman year of college. (Has it really been that long?)

Lunch.....Yummmyyyyyyyyy. Nothin' But Noodles. Clogging my arteries one bowl of pasta at a time.......lol.

I just sent TSAV a card. It's on official stationary. hehehe. I love acting like I'm a professional......not quite.

I can't wait until next weekend. Kimmer here I come. It's all about Chicago. FUN FUN FUN!

I know that I complain a lot in here. I'm good at it. :) Sorry all. It's not that life is bad, it's just that life isn't exceptional anymore.

I'm having a weak day. It stems from lack of sleep and emotional issues, but it's still a weak day. I'm rethinking a lot of decisions. It'll pass. But was I wrong? Maybe things can change and work out for the better. It'd make life easier. I don't know. Internal drama.

I'm so tired of fighting. I cheer the small victories and morn the loses, but what's the war about anymore? I surrender. Good lyrics BTW.

From the highest tower, I will call you home
It's the same old story, love will find it's own

You come to me, conspiracy of the night
The heart that you want just happens to be mine
Thieves in the dark, you ought to be locked in chains
But you wind up on my side, and what will be will be

That you wear a disguise, the epitome of deceit
The face of a friend invisible on the street
If you're battling to be mine, I'm victorious in defeat

And I surrender, I surrender

Anybody want me, anyone know my name
Do it in a lifetime, you be dust and the soul survives
Evens up the score

From the highest tower, I will call you home
It's the same old story, love will find it's own

And I surrender, take me for all time
Love that lasts forever, I surrender

We are elite, prisoners of the night
We fight to the finish and savour the delights
It's your body that got me beat, at I'm crumbling at your feet
I surrender, I surrender

I will walk through fire, keep you safe and sound
In the final hour, turn my life around
And I surrender, take me for all time

This is my life story, I've been lost and found
In the final hour, turn my life around

And I surrender. take me for all time
Love as warm as wine, and I surrender

Take me for all time, love that lasts forever

Lata kids,

Truth...is it out there?

2005-06-20T12:15:00.000-05:00

Your Birthdate: May 20
Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading.
The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly.
Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group.

You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection.
You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.
It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in.
When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

I think about how life is actually just twisted masks. We all play our roles in the many shows of life.

I've been thinking about the many roles I play. I don't like it. There are too many. I'm making changes again.....They're just in the consideration phase right now, but still........who knows what will come out of it.

Given up on trying to be me at work. I've conformed to waht they want me to be. I'm not happy, but I'm tired of fighting them every day.

I spent a lot of time with Mom and Amy this weekend. I idolize me sister. Don't tell her that. Little Sister Syndrome. I can't believe Amy is moving to Texas.

Angie is having fun at Ft. Hood. I'm going to visit her on my way to Houston. We're going horseback riding!!!!

Sherie's Bachelorette party is Friday night. Cross your fingers.

It's finals week. Blaaaahhhh.....

I had a great weekend at home. R&R. Miss the FORT!.

Not much to say...........lata.

Dreams of the future........?

2005-06-15T16:54:00.000-05:00

I've been fighting an uphill battle at work for the last two years. It centers around office politics, undefined responsibility, and general unhappiness for most of the people that I work with. It's frusterating to say the least.

Given that the subconscenous expresses itself through dreams, I should not have been surprised when I awoke this morning, but I was. Last night I dreamt that I was at a CDD (Dean's, Directors, and Chairs) meeting taking notes for my ever tardy employer. The topic of discussion was the lack of morale in the office. (This isn't surprising because when J.R. quit last month during his exit interview he stated that he was leaving due to the a:lack of repect from upper level employees b:intense office politics c:lack of happiness d: lack of fullfillment from his job.

During the time that he worked here we had become friends. He's an enormously lovable gay guy with three dogs that serve as his children. Excellent taste in everything from clothes to home decorating to food, as one would expect. He also had a talent for making the day durable during our "gossip hours" each day.

okay, so I'm sitting in the meeting, taking notes and not commenting. (My new goal at work is to stay under the radar at any cost, btw.) PF begins talking about how there are no office politics and that JR didn't know what he was talking about. I can't help but laugh.

Every morning when I wake up I spend a hour laying in bed, watching TV, and planning my lunch/outfit for the day. My clothing is, as I have been informed, one of the most frequent topics of conversation in the office. Jean skirts, even if they go to the knee, are jeans and therefore only to be worn on Fridays. Halters, even when worn under a sweater/suit jacket, are halters and offensive to PF. Open toe shoes, big jewelry, painted toenails, curly hair, (the list goes on forever) are all offensive. My confusion is that for my boss to be happy I need to "dress my age" and represent students and that PF wants me to dress like I'm 30. So I find something in the middle and hopefully it works.

HA.....I just did a thing for my word study....."What are your current career goals?" TO STAY UNDER THE RADAR AND NOT GET YELLED AT. I don't think that's very productive, do you?

My cubical has become a second home. It's my happy place at work.

I'm glad I have Friday off. I like dentist appointments. It could be because my mommy works there or that my dentist was my soccer coach, but still. If I have to see a doctor, I'd choose my dentist. They have a big fish tank!

Obviously I didn't run myself to death last night, but I thought about it. (PG just asked how I'm feeling today. I don't think I'm having a fat day and my boobs hurt qualifies as an answer, do you? TMI, I know.)

It's time to go run again, isn't it? People look at me funny on my way home. It could be because no one in Indy works out or because I'm bear foot. I can't decide. Honestly, after my feet have been in heels all day and then I go running, I don't want to wear shoes at all.

I just drew a maze on a file folder with a white out stick. 12 more minutes.....

I'm going shopping this weekend. That'll make me happy. Not so much, but we'll act like it will for now.

I'm cat sitting for three weeks. Lolo and Fefe. But at least I'll be away from campus.

I can't wait to go to Chicago to visit Kimmer. Taste of Chicago here we come!

7 minutes......

OOOOOOOOOOOO I have a really cool poem that I wanna put in here. But it's at home. We'll do that tomorrow. Well, goodnight cats and kittens!

Relationships: The Tough Ones

2005-06-14T16:53:00.000-05:00

Somedays I feel like a chain of bad relationships. I look back ans see the decisions that I've made in the last 5 years and mainly wonder what I was thinking. I wish that I could blame it all on Aaron because that's where it all started, but maybe I'm just genetically messed up.

Honestly, what kind of 15 year-old dates someone 10 years their senior? Maybe one that wants to piss off their parents or just doesn't care......I don't know. I went to his daughters' 3rd birthday party. It was fun, I guess. Messed up, to say the least.

I look at the tone of that relationship and see it in every one since then. It was the same cycle with Stephen, Josh..........Graham, Mike.........Cale, Alex. It's the same thing every time and I'm sick of it. I need counciling.

I'm too worped for counciling.............

Maybe I should be a nun.........

I hate boys............

I need Kate right now. She so knows what I'm going through. I wish she hadn't moved to NC last week.

I think I'm going to run myself to death tonight. Maybe six miles? I did three last night. Six might not be enough to kill me........I'll just run until I die, that'll work. Goodbye all. Enjoy the kegs at my wake!

I'm morbid.................

I got another job today. It'll be cool. A couple nights a week working events. And I get to go to bartending school! I don't event hink I like drinking. I think I just like making drinks. I should invest in bartending school. That would be fun.

Works over ...... I'm still sitting here ....... I should leave .......... hmmmm ........ wahtever ........ sooner or later .......... lol ......... this is some mood I'm in ........... I'm going to go lock myself in a padded room ..... thanks for playing! :)

Cliques................

2005-06-13T14:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this has been rolling around in my head for a while.....

I think it's interesting how the social dynamics of high school effect our friendships. Who we're friends with, what we do, the organizations that we're in. For instance, in High School I was very defined by the organizations that I was in: PRIDE (parents resource institute for drug education), Central Noble Theatre Company, National Honor Society, Prom Corp., Student Government, Mentoring, Soccer, Mat Maids, color guard...everything. That's who I was. And I was friends with the people that it was socially acceptable for me to be friends with. The popular drama kids, other NHS kids, the Stud. Gov. Reps on my committee, the rest of prom corp.....but I wasn't supposed to be friends with my soccer boys or the wrestlers or my PRIDE kids. It wasn't acceptable for me to talk to the kids that I mentored during school. Why? Because someone 50 years ago said that we shouldn't? or because we were socially different? We weren't.

In the last couple years I've realized how defined I actually was, despite my belief that I was one of those people that was friends with everyone. Truthfully, I did have friends in a lot of different cliques, but what about the "Goths" that I was friends with before? Granted, I was a different person with much different values, but still.....Why wasn't I still friends with them? Were we really that different? I think about all of the friendships that were lost because of what was socially acceptable....but I digress.......

Everytime I go home there are specific people that I know I want to visit. The list goes
1. Parents
2. Cara
3. Russ and Jean Smith
4. Petts Family
5. Riddle Family

I'm not saying that it actually happens this way or that I get to see each group on the list, but that's generally how it works out. I'd like to focus on Russ and Jean. I played soccer with their son, Joe, for two years. He was my sweep. (I've talked aobut him recently.) I love them, they're kind of second parents. I normallyhango ut with Jean for a couple hours talking about college and Albion and basically filling each other in. Then we go visit Russ at the shop (they're starting an antique store). Sooner or later we run into Joe and the two of us will talk for a couple hours and then I'll head out. It's fun because I've gotten to watch him grow up and help him through some hard times. It's nice that we've managed to be friends after everything.......high school drama. But I guess there has always been that void where we're friends, but it's still not accepted because of the High School restrictions.

He graduated this year. He's amazingly intelligent. I went to his graduation party before I headed back to Indy two weeks ago. It still kind of surprises me. When I walked in he ran across the room, picked me up and swung me in circles. he was so happy that I had made it. There were some wierd looks from people who obviously thought that I shouldn't have been there. (You wouldn't believe how cliquish our high school was.)Before I left he made me promise that since he's only going to be 45 minutes away that we'd hang out a lot.

I'm not sure if I buy into it. He's not a frat boy. he enjoys learning too much. And he's not into the drinking, partying, sex scene. I guess I just wonder how Wabash is going to change him. I hope that he doesn't change too much. I miss hanging out with people who actually know me and that I feel comfortable with. I've only had that with Kimmy since I came to college.

It's ironic. I never trusted my best friend with half of my personality...maybe I knew all along that we really weren't friends at all. We were friends because we were both there and had similar interests.....but it takes more than that to be friends. How can you trust someone who admits that everything they do is an act? You always wonder if they're professions of friendship are facades too.......food for thought I guess.

Lata..........:)

It's gonna be a hot one.....

2005-06-10T07:57:00.000-05:00

I walked outside at 7 a.m. and just new that it was going to be hot and muggy and that I don't, DO NOT, want to be in a car for 2 hours in the middle of the day. But, whatcha gonna do? Middletown, OH here I come. I should beat my family there by a good 4 hours. I've decided that I'm going to diplomatically spend it in the workout facilities or the pool or the hot tub or laying out.

Hmmm.... I love this song. Seeing Red by Unwritten Law I've been listening to a lot of Unwritten Law lately. Mainly the Elva CD. And it's not that I'm unhappy or frusterated, well maybe I am, but it's that it makes me happy.

I'm not going to make it through today. Need sleep.

Anita, Nick and I puzzled ALL night. It's a giant grandfather clock. 3-D. I was matching wood grain for 6 hours. We didn't get very far. I miss the kids. They were always good for entertainment.

I worked for ten hours yesterday. BLEHHHH........ so I've decided that since I did a weeks worth of work for two people, I shouldn't have to be here, BUT I should still get paid. The Dean laughted at me. I love Dr. Y and all his Turkishness. At least I'm entertaining myself today. Sarah (with an H) keeps walking by and laughing at me because I'm talking outloud to myself while I'm typing. I guess she didn't believe me when I said that I could carry on a two person conversation with myself and type at the same time........anywho.....

I actually do have to look productive today, since I'm leaving early. But really I was here early so I'm leaving on time, but it'll be before 5 so it's early. Does this make sense to anyone?

Lata!

Answers to Adam's Interview Questions

2005-06-09T13:30:00.000-05:00

Rabbi's Questions:
1. Pick one item in your life that describes you, what is it and why does it fit?

Hmmm....I think I got it. I have this canvas sitting at home in my room. I've had it for 4 years. I always sit down to work on it, put paint on my brush, swish it around, but I never finish it. It's just a mix of colors. But it says so much about me. There are times when there's dark colors, violent and bold, and times when there are soft colors, subtly changing the entire picture. I think of it as a portrait of who I have been, who I am, and who I'm becoming.

2. What event prompted you to stop being a good catholic?

Talk about a loaded question...
Everything?
My grandfather died when I was nine, while I was holding his hand. I never told him that I loved him. I was too young to understand that the reason he had been so unreachable during my life was because of the considerable pain he was in. I blamed God. I couldn't understand why he had taken my grandfather away from me. That was my first experience with death.
I became withdrawn, Goth, got into drugs and other things. When I finally pulled myself out of where I was I started trying to find religion again. I realized that it wasn't God's fault and that he really did love me enough to give me time to get to know my grandfather. At least I had that.
I initially went back to Catholism because that's what my mom's family is. It didn't make sense. I kept looking around, becoming immersed in religions, I guess trying to find truth. Through all of that I had still been attending religious ed classes through Blessed Sacrement Catholic Church. I started going to the adult discussions with Deacon Ramero. He has this fire and spirit that was more genuine than anything that I had found in books.
I came back to Catholism and was confirmed when I was 14. The one thing that I learned trough everything was that every religion from Hinduism to Native American has the same basic belief: There is a higher power. One good. One evil. The good can take the form of three beings. Catholism just seemed like the one that had it close to making sense. And every religion has it's problems, maybe the Catholic church is just more noticable because it has been around so long. And it doesn't all make sense.
I've learned to just have faith. Faith and religion are not one in the same. I still attend a Catholic Church, I'll buy into about 75% of the teachings, but at the end of the day I have faith in God and not in a building.

3. If money was not an option what would be your job and why?

Travel, that isn't really a job is it? There are so many things to see and experience in the world. But honestly? A homemaker. I want to be a stay at home mom, go to soccer games and dance competition. I want to cook and clean and turn a house into a home. I want to take care of my family.

4. Tell your best party story.

Well, it involves Kate and Val. (I guess you don't know them, do you?) It was a three night serious of parties we call TKN (triple kiss night) parts I, II, III. These are supposed to be kept secret within the group, but I'll give you overviews.
Part I: Val, John, and I got trashed on a Wed. night. Webcamed with Doug. Drew all over John with highlighters and sharpies.
Part II: I kissed Val, John, and Kate (any and all combinations involving 2-3 ppl.) Homemade whiskey. Kings. Four bottles of everclear and one gallon of Kool-Aid.
Part III: Vodka test tubes. Four beer runs. Drunk driver (game). Kings. College Humor.com. Met Casey from Purdue. Soccer party. Party at the Hyatt.
You don't really get a lot from that, but they were good times. I think it took us all a week to recover!

5. What is the one big decision you wish you could have changed, what would you have done differently and why?

(sigh) I told myself that I would never regret the choices that I make in college, but Cale is one that I do. In that time, I came as close to giving up on myself as I could. I sacrificed everything that I stood for. I can't ever fix it. It's something that I've had to come to terms with, hard as that may have been. I'm still working on it. It's why I try to loose myself in other things so much. I can't say that I'd change things because it's why I am who I am today, but going through everything is probably the hardest thing that I've ever done. I wish that I had kept my dreams alive.

Stephanie's Interview Questions

2005-06-09T10:26:00.000-05:00

So it's taken me a while, but here they are Steph...

1. Describe Paradise.

2. Favorite number and why.

3. What do you hope to accomplish during your life?

4. Describe the perfect date. Place, time, who you're with...etc.

5. What is your zodiac sign and does it fit you?

Adam, I'm working on the answers to your questions.

It's getting better all the time....

2005-06-08T16:06:00.000-05:00

Well. Okay. Maybe not. But yesterday did wonders for my soul. I left work around 11. The boss was out and my coworkers were taking naps. lol. I saw Cale. I'd like to say something about this, but I'm not quite certain I've got it figured out yet. So I drove around 465. I have now officially seen all of it in the light of day. I caught the traffic at rush hour. That was hell. Ended up going to Haute and picking up my pillow and blanket on my way to vist Sherie in Bloomington. She had just gotten back from a picnic in Brown County with Gabe. We talked about the wedding, bachelorette party, and all kinds of stuff. I hope she isn't as stressed now as she was. I think that I'm adding to it by being in Texas the week before her wedding, but I can't really help that. Amy's moving to Texas. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm upset because she'll be so far away. It terrifies me. I know that we don't get along, but I'm going to miss her. Don't ever tell her that I said that. It's just going to be a big change. I might get to fly back with Angie. That'll be interesting. I can't wait until we move into our apartment. They should be letting us know about that rather soon....I hope.

Sherie does wonders for my mood. She's seen me go through a lot and always seems to know what I need. From chocolate to quiet to just being alone. So many people just don't understand that.

I saw Parket today. That was intersting. I miss him. He was always good for stimulating conversation. :) Love you Parker. You can be my techie anyday...

I think it's funny the people that read this. The ones I don't know anyway. I was briefly on AIM the other day and got random IMs from people I've never met. It was kinda cool. It makes me wonder about the people that do read this. I'm sure that there are people out there that I'd rather not have in here. I guess that's why I don't go too deep. Because somewhere I know that there are people reading this that shouldn't be. People I don't know, stalkers, people who would use this knowledge for their own gain. LMAO. Paranoid much? Sherie and I watched this thing about internet "people" last night. I'm nuts. But really, think of all the creepy people out there that could learn everything about you by reading one of these......YIKES!

I'm done now. I'm not concerned enough to stop blogging, obviously. DUH!. Anywho. Today's been better. I'm hoping rains tonight. Looking forward to being in OHIO this weekend. Is Canada on the way back from Ohio? Maybe only on the scenic route!

ignore me........

2005-06-07T12:39:00.000-05:00

i'm dwelling on my unhappiness. phantom of the opera isn't helping like it normally does. today i feel the pain of the phantom. his hopelessness. his frustration at not being able to change his circumstances. his desire to fight for love, yet being unable to do so. the finality and resignation when he finally releases christine to be with raoul. i guess i feel that way a lot. i spend so much time fighting for what i want and then when i finally am able to hold onto it, i realize that it was never mine to begin with and then i have to let it go. but the glimmer of happiness is almost worth it. maybe not. hell, i should just give up.

what do you think?

Some days it's just like that.

2005-06-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

Adapted from:

THE COLD SHOULDER AND OTHER TREATMENTS

I am currently not speaking to my clit.
I realize that my passive aggressive use
of the silent treatment is childish.
This bothers me until I choose not to worry about it.
Instead, I just cross my legs very tightly thinking,
"Take that, bitch," and smile from my receptionist's desk.

***

My friend Joan, who is not really my friend,
is always reading Cosmo.
She sits at the desk across from me.
Once a month she interrogates me
about the inadequacies of my past, present and future relationships with men.
My most recent endeavor was a fish-lipped man named Phil:

SWM, 38ish, "stocky," balding, manager-type
who enjoys moonlit walks and candlelight dinners,
romantic evenings on the beach and the occasional slap on the ass

SEEKS SWF, young(er), slim, attractive, blonde (brunette if shiny),
blue-eyed (will negotiate green), tall (but not taller than),
employed (doesn't make more than), intelligent (but not smarter than) f
or fucking and possible friendship. Personality a plus.

There were three things I did not like about Phil:

The way he picked his nose in public,
his refusal to perform oral sex because of the smell,
and his disinterest in bringing me to orgasm.
The rest of his flaws I tolerated,
finding them almost (but not quite) endearing.
We dated for five and a half months
before Phil flashed me the "it's not you, it’s me" finger.
I blame my clit but sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently.

Last month, I was a masochistic enabler.
This month, Joan likes to point out that according to Cosmo,
I might be a lesbian.

***

I like to lose myself in mirrors,
my eyes, my nose, my mouth.
I am fascinated by the reflections of reflections of reflections.
I never know what it is I see,
only what Cosmo tells me I am supposed to see.
My nose that is too long,
but with the proper shading technique can be shadowed into submission.
My forehead that is too wide,
but with the proper hairstyle can be hidden under a starchy wave.
My eyes that are too small,
but with deftly applied eye-liner
--the outside of the rim, not the inside--
can intrigue any man with their defined mystery.
And then my lips that are too thin,
but with just the right color and a dab of gloss,
can produce a pout that will have the men drooling
--and I sigh for something more.

Once and only once, did I look at my clit in the mirror
(a Cosmo suggestion).
It was rather uneventful, uninspiring and quite disappointing,
so I didn't do it again.

***

I like men to carry heavy things for me.
I'm not sure how that fits into the whole feminist scheme of things.
I acknowledge that I really should be self-sufficient,
but I don't understand why having ovaries and a uterus
means I should carry heavy things when
(a) I don't want to and
(b) men will carry them for me.
I'm sure my clit has something to do with the conspiracy.

***

I remember putting on nylons for Church
(The time is BC--Before Cosmo.):

I hate them,
the way they scratch and ride my crotch,
but I want to look nice,
and nice girls wear nylons.
The thought of hot synthetic mesh slowly suffocating my clit upsets me
(and my clit)
but propriety and the Bible (I assume, though I'm not sure) require it.

Scrunching each leg of nylon into a ring,
one after the other,
I wonder if God would be offended if I sat naked on a pew.
The words naked and pew make me laugh.
The thought of rubbing my naked body over
the smooth wood surface of the bench does not.
It intrigues me.

I consider nakedness in church:

I would wash myself in the baptismal font,
spread myself on the altar,
press my body against the huge stained-glass apostles
and roll around in the Communion wafers
--the ones that feel and taste like Styrofoam,
welding to the roof of a mouth because the thimble-full of wine
(one finger for grape juice)
—the blood of Christ--
isn't enough to dislodge it.
All of this would be done in biblical nakedness,
like Eve before Adam,
the apple, the curse,
before everyone was busy trying to know everyone else.

I think of myself as Joan of Arc,
but then decide Joan--both of Arc and of 51st and Maple--
wouldn't dare be naked in Church.
Then again, I wouldn't normally either.
However, I conclude I would not be truly naked.
My clit would still be covered (as always)
due to the discreet (and discerning?) nature of female genitalia.
This being the case, the eyes of Baby Jesus would remain pure,
the old men would not blush
and I am quite sure the pastor would still bless me because he's Protestant.
I find that Protestants (as opposed to Catholics)
tend to be more relaxed about these sorts of things
—rolling around naked on top of the figurative body of Christ.

I hike the nylons up over my hips and adjust the crotch.
I have a hard time believing Jesus died on the cross
to save myself from my clit.

***

I smile at all the men (Kevin, Rob, Sam, etc.)
who pass by my receptionist's desk
--I've been told it's company policy to do so (smile that is).
They wink, wave, offer me pats on the ass and quickies in the Xerox room.
I continue to smile, laugh, thank them for the offer
and silently curses my clit, the cause of the attention.
Later, when their wives call the office, I suggest they read Cosmo,
hoping they'll take the "Is He a Cheater?" quiz.

The wives assume I am a lesbian because my hair and nails are rather short.
Unaware that lesbians have access to Cosmo,
they are somewhat surprised by my recommendation.
However, since they already have lifetime subscriptions,
they thank me for my thoughtful suggestion.

***

I am still not speaking to my clit.
My clit is still not speaking to me,
or anyone for that matter.
Resisting the temptation to confront my clit,
I call Joan to discuss a re-occurring dream:

"I'm standing in the middle of the street,
like in a Western.
From out of nowhere, a man saunters up
—and I say saunters because he didn't walk,
it was more of a John Wayne waddle.
When he finally manages to Duke his way up to me
I start to feel like Clint Eastwood with tits.
He jerks his head in this slow, cowboy way and says,
‘Hey you, I called you a bitch.
What are you gonna do about it, bitch?'

I lower my lashes and grind the heel of my stiletto and say,
'Bitch, huh?'

“So he says, 'Yeah, that's right.'

“Before I know it,
I'm beating the shit out of him—elbowing him in the ribs,
kneeing him in the balls.
When he finally falls to the ground moaning and stuff,
I place my shoe, heel first, on his chest.
I reach down and rip the tie from his neck,
wrapping it around my head Rambo-style.
Then, with my red lipstick,
I write BITCH across his forehead."

"Yeah, that's really weird. I gotta go."

I decide to have a chicken potpie for dinner.
Between bites of tasty, flaky crust, I discuss with my cat,
Fido, Joan's inability to fulfill a man.
I speculate (according to rumors in the office)
it is due to the intense frigidity of Joan's crotch,
a common side effect of Cosmo.
I purposely leaves her clit out of the conversation.

***

I have just bought new moisturizer.
Cosmo promises it will have me
radiating, illuminating, gyrating, gravitating, deviating
and manipulating in less than a week.
I am surprised it is only for my face.
I smoothe it on and wait for results.

***

Inspired by my dream, I decide to send the wives
--Karen, Rita, Sharon (etc.)--anonymous letters:

Dear beloved wife of (fill in the blank with coordinating bastard),

Your husband is a pig. Thought you should know.
Enclosed is a Xerox of his dick.

Sincerely,

Mary Magdalene

I reconsider the closing.
I'm not sure I like the reformed prostitute reference.
I resent the implication that it is the prostitute who needs reforming
and not the man who pays her.
I decide on:
Sincerely, A Concerned Clit.

I fold the letters and slip them into envelopes
along with black and white copies of Phil's dick
(a framed Christmas present).
I assume one Xeroxed dick must look like another and lick the glue.

***

I have successfully ignored my clit for a month
and now wonder if maybe I was being too harsh,
too unreasonable, expecting too much from something so small.
I still have yet to radiate, illuminate, gyrate, gravitate,
deviate or manipulate like Cosmo promised.
I consider rubbing some moisturizer on my clit,
thinking maybe I misread the label.
I think about it for a moment, but then decides against it,
not sure I really want those kinds of results.

I sigh and open the small, blue metal door in front of me.
Looking at the letters, I whisper, "Truce,"
and drop them in one at a time.

by K. Nanaziashvili

2005-06-06T17:01:00.000-05:00

This will be quick. I've started another blog to coexist with this one. I'm asking everyone in here to not read it. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

3 liters of water and some crackers

2005-06-06T13:02:00.000-05:00

Wow, so I'm back in Indy. I'd like to say that I had a good weekend, but I don't remember most of it. That kinda sucks. Kinda doesn't. I have a feeling that I'm surpressing things that I'd rather not know. Sooner or later I'll get it.

Spent Friday night in Terri Haute. Woke up on a couch, not quite sure how I got there. My last memory is of being outside somewhere. Things were spinning when I woke up. That, and the taste in my mouth, lead me to believe that I had a little too much to drink. (NO SHIT, right?) Most of the night is in freeze frame pictures. Snapshots in my mind. I haven't put them together yet. The more time that passes the less I think I remember and the more I think I shouldn't. I just wish I knew why.

Found out at 6 Saturday morning that I was expected for lunch with Grandma and Grandpa Petts in Ft. Wayne at noon. There was no way. I changed clothes got my stuff and was headed northeast by 7. Stopped at my APT. for a quick shower and then I was gone. I ended up making it north in time for lunch, drank 3 liters of water and some crackers on the way up. We went to some place at Jefferson Point. I dunno. Spent a hour or so with them talking about their upcoming trip to Stratford.

I wish that I could work it in this summer. The Festival Theatre and The Avon both have some really good shows. Graham Abbey as Jacques in As You Like It at the Festival and Measure for Measure at the Tom Patterson. I'd also like to see Three Women of Stature perform again. Anything in the Avon is good. That theatre is just amazing. Hmmm.....good memories. I almost think that going again would destory the magic of how it was in High School. And I highly doubt anything could beat the shows we saw senior year. The Kind and I, Henry IV, Taming of the Shrew, Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Three Women of Stature (Musical Performance). There are so many places to see up there. It's a different world. And the acting is amazing. I loved the environment. And the actor chats, tours of backstage, the costume warehouses, ahhhh. Sweet love. But I can't work it into my schedule. Here's the link http://www.stratford-festival.on.ca/ (Yea, I'm not being fancy today, copy and paste it.)

I finally got home around 2. And then spent a hour bonding with my whirlpool. Ahhh...sweet relaxation. Dad and I hit Kyle's graduation party, which included BBQ chicken and pork. Yummy....I got to see a lot of people (new and old) at that one.

I caught a ride with Joe to the C.N. Campus in his beautifully restored ORANGE truck. He just finished it a week ago. The ceremony was fun. Laura and I jointly spoke on the history of Central Noble Theatre Company (CNTC) and presented keys to all of the inductees. Of which, my little brother was among. I'm so proud. It was amazing to be on stage again...in the lights...with Johnny mooning us from offstage. At least he's tempered down from the all out strip shows of the past. We inducted 12 new members. Not bad. Then I headed home for some R&R. Dad and I both took naps while watching the Generals Daughter. I guess at somepoint I went to Adam's to drop off Steven's stuff and pick up the much anticipated Cheezy Pan from EOC. Dad said that I was pretty dead to the world. I don't remember going to bed, but I woke up there...who knows.

I'm realizing the I might not be the light sleeper that I once was. Normally if someone walked by my bedroom door I'd wake up. Dad and Steven had to dump a gallon of ice water on me to get me to even wake up. I didn't respond at all when they shook me. But even after the water I rolled off my bed, under my bed, and went back to sleep. There has to be something wrong with me.

Anyway, I eventually got up and headed to 'Busco for church. They've done a lot of remodeling since I've been at St. John Bosco's. It looks really nice. Mass is kind of a blur. I got there in time to hear the homily and go to communion. It doesn't really count, but whatever. Dawson's Baptism was the quickest thing I've ever seen a priest do. And the angelic almost two-year-old Dawson DID NOT want to be baptized. But it was entertaining. I got to ride on Justins new bike. Ahhh....insert sigh of longing. NOTE TO SELF: get my bike license renewed SOON! I actually think I'll have to do the classes again, but it's worth it. (sidenote there is a gorgeous Kawasaki ZX-7R in green and blue downstairs right now.)

Went to graduation, which was hot and stuffy as usual. I like the remodeling and additions that they've put on the athletic facilities. The soccer fields still suck, though the rock is worse yet. I went to Carol's party (She's going to come visit so we can go to Wolfgang Puck's in the IMA) and met mom and dad at steve/tricia's. I'm not sure why I went to that one. But I was invited. Tricia is such a bitch.

Anywho...we then trooped to Joe's. It was packed. They had a live band. Joe's looking forward to starting at Wabash as a Lamda Chi. He claims that since he's only 45 minutes away the two of us are going to bond. I doubt it, but he insists.

Then it was back to Indy. I crashed when I got here. Didn't even close my door. Thank you Jake, BTW. I have a lot more to say, but I'm feeling like a shell and this has been rather long. Whatever. Later

Memories.........;P

2005-06-03T14:12:00.000-05:00

So for a day that started over 4 hours ago (6 a.m.), (I thank Red Hot Chilli Peppers and the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack for making it go so quickly.) things aren't going too bad. I found out that I don't need to take Fefe to the vet. (Colleen's kitten) Which works, but I was looking forward to the break midday. (I don't take lunch breaks.) I had to have CampusPD open the office for me this morning because our half of the suite was locked and the connecting door has yet to be removed. Thank God Vicki was here to verify that I am actually an employee, because the School polo that the entire office wears on Friday didn't give it away. I'm biting my thumb at them.

I've been pretty constructive so far. I stalked everyone's blogs and even added Karen, Gage, and someone named Joe Wack to my stalking list. I checked the bosses email, updated her calendar, filed some crap, and was writing thank you letters for her when we made an executive decision that because it was "National Doughnut Day" we needed to go to Long's. Heaven in a pastry. I've actually just gotten back from there. PJ still isn't here. Colleens at GO:GREEN. I have to head to Rolls Royce pretty quick. Gene is going a tour and doing a talk and the School has to represent. Then there's the thing at Eli Lilly.

Later that day......

Back from Rolls. It was decent. Gene made a bunch of corny jokes. God, I love that Alum. Reg tried to get me to work there again. I told him if he'd find a way to pay for my tuition then I'd do it. I'm braking for my popcorm lunch. Yummy! and then it's to Lilly.

I found both California quarters today. GASP! I know it's corny, but my Grandma Petts started them for all of her grandkids and it makes her happy so it makes me happy. Apparently while I was gone my mother and sister dropped off a CRAP LOAD of cookies at the office. Not quite sure how that works. I'm glad they're keeping themselves busy though, I guess. So now my lunch is sugar, caffine, and popcorn. Hmmmmm.....healthy.

A little later on.....

So the Lilly didn't take nearly as long as it was supposed to. Lot's of old people talking about things I don't give a carp about. I think I'm switching to Blessed Union of Souls for a while. Karen, Tiffany, and Josh are thrilled about my taste in music. I make them feel "not so old." They think it's funny that I was born mid 80s, but still love all of the classic 80s bands. And I haven't even broken out ACDC, Metallica, Bush, or Bon Jovi yet. I was born a generation late, I swear.

I can't wait until this weekend. It's going to be amazing. Hanging with the guys n' gals in the new TSAV house. Then heading home. I have Honors Theatre inductions Saturday night and then Kyle's graduation party. It's depressing that the majority of my senior soccer team is graduating this year. My sweep and my center in the same class. I miss my theatre group. Cassi is graduating too. My little girl is all grown up and handing over my Green Room to another. God, I ruled that place for four years. I taught Cassi everything she knows and now she's passing it on to another. Good girl Cass. I remember all of the carp we used to do. Johnny "exposing" himself in A Midsummer Nights' Dream (I ALMOST broke character). Crawling under the set of Anne Frank during a black out because the door to the W.C. was stuck. "Screwing" around with Chris, Jeremy, and Cameron during Aersnic and Old Lace. Jess, Jen, Sherie, Britt, Cara and I being "gansters girls" in Robin Hood. Cara was so awesome dancing. Hmmm....fond memories. My froshy, Carol, directing her first One Act. Little Women. Steph and I wearing mismatched boots in Annie Get Your Gun.

So that was a great trip down memory lane...CARP. I have to go home and pick up my Key for the ceremony. Put it on my to do list. Is it bad that I have an entire bag dedicated to alcohol for this trip? lol. Whatever.

Bachelorette Hell

2005-06-02T13:52:00.000-05:00

Yo. OMG. I just got done messing the the counter in Nick's Blog. I wanted to be number 5400 to view the blog. And I was, I just had to hit the refresh button a few times. Sorry Nick.

It's actually been a decent week, considering everything. Amy and I haven't killed each other yet. That's always a plus. We've actually been consumed in Bachelorette Party hell for a while. We did Prascilla's Tuesday night. Ladies night=25% off. Thank God. We both saved like $50. We worked on a sign to help people get to Brian and Adria's reception most of the night and got everything else ready to be worked on for yesterday.

I worked on paper macheing the pinata until Ames got home and then we had Mexican for dinner. Corona with limes and all. I love that she's 24 and willing to experiment with alcohol, or at least try the stuff that I like. I can't believe that she hasn't had some things though. It's okay. I made the veil for Adria to wear and Ames finished the sign and then we got stuff together for the games. I actually got to dress my older sister for her interview today, gasp. She always says that I have nothing to wear and that my clothes are all to "slutty". Whatever. I have a very nice professional area in my closet. But anyway, she looked gorgeous when she left this morning. I hope the third graders take it easy on her. lol.

I got up at like 5 today because I coudln't sleep. We turned on the air last night and it blows right on my bed, normally good, but I'm not used to it yet. I got ready for work. Finished touching up the sign. Put another layer of paper mache on the giant dick and then came to work. I've been here since 7. Arrggg....but it was my choice. I've been surprisingly productive all day. Now I'm in crash mode.

Mom's going to be here in a few hours. I can't wait to see her. I miss my mommy. She's short, but I still love her.

ohhhhh, Diet Coke run for the boss..........

Jos was downstairs. I miss that girl. Stupid ME had to graduate on me. WTF? She's thinking about coming back and coaching the dance teams. She thinks that I should definitly do it. The problem? I'm sick of school organizations. I've put in my time, now I just want to focus on dancing, friends, and classes. I might take Moving Company, but I haven't heard good things about that class, and auditions aren't until August...I'll figure it out later.

Things are looking good for our apartment next year. I can't wait. I think my bedroom is going to be out of the 80s. I want it to be very clean. black and a very soft white. I'll accent in aqua or some equally lovely color. I dunno. It'll be interesting.

I haven't felt very deep lately. It's like everything is on the surface. Not really. I'm just avoiding the inner turmoil. Oh, fuck it. I'm so pissed at myslef. I can't believe that I did it. I wish that I'd gotten caught, because at least then I'd have a space in time when there actually were negative consequences for my actions. It was fun don't get me wrong, but still. I feel that now I need to stay away from people like Kate because maybe I can't always resist the temtation. It's been six years and I still fight myself every time I'm around that kind of life. I always thing I can keep it together. Realistically, I know that I can't. I'll keep it together this time. I have to. I have too much to loose. I just wish it weren't a constant battle.

...But nothing worth having in life comes easy or stays without a struggle.

The interview/survey thing

2005-06-01T12:47:00.000-05:00

1.) Describe a situation or activity that you feel defines you, and explain why.

Not surprisingly: Dance. It can be anything, everything, or nothing. It takes on the emotions that you're feeling and can mean so many things. It's in constant development, change, and revision. It's always the same or constantly new.

2.) What major decision in your life have you been most pleased with?

(Except for my relapse last night) Not giving up on myself. I can't really say much here. There are somethings that I can't explain in a paragraph. Through all of the hard times and every time I wanted to give up and just quit, I didn't. It wasn't always my decision, but I kept working at it. For pulling myself out of eveything I was into that was wrong (go m.s.). For making me who I am today.

3.) Do you have a rating scale for the opposite sex, and if so, how does it work? For example, I've always said that smoking was a -4, meaning that a girl who started out at 10 would be a 6 if she started smoking.

I don't really have a rating scale, but I know what I'm looking for and what I won't accept. I won't accept less than I expect from myself. I need someone that has it togther, takes care of themself, shares similar interests, has their own interests, is okay by themself and in a crowd, adapts to environment, someone I can talk to, is okay doing the unique or nothing at all.

4.) How do you define yourself? Think of four cultural adjectives that describe you. That means "nice" and "easygoing" are not allowed.

I define myself as a Melting Pot of the U.K. (Irish, Scotish, English) with a little German on the side. A redhead with all of it's implications. Old world. Catholic.

5.) What does the most attractive member of the opposite sex you have ever seen look like? What kind of person did you think they probably were?

This is a really hard question because I've always been attracted to different "types". They all share some physical simularities, but I like individuals. I guess I'd have to go with Phil/Dustin. Their kind of a Gerald Butler (Phantom of the Opera-Movie), Patrick Dempsey (Gray's Anatomy), Micheal Crawford (Origonal Phantom - Stage) type?
About 5 in. taller than me, good teeth, hair that you can run your hands through, can sing, muscular (not skinny, but not bigger), gorgous eyes. You can tell by looking at them that they're a great person.

The Official Interview Game Rules

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Chautauqua....decisions to be made.......

2005-05-31T14:14:00.000-05:00

The big Chautauqua interview was this morning. That was four hours of nerves that I didn't need. I was a wreck going into it. Couldn't sleep last night. I had it together on the outside, but I was falling apart inside. Nails done, freshly drycleaned tan suite, chocolate ballet heels, straight hair, subtle make up, conservative jewelry. Cool, calm and collected, I think.

History: They called last week requesting and interview. They were supposed to send me a work history packet to have filled out when I got there this morning. It never arrived.

Anyway, so I got there 45 minutes early so that I would be able to fill out the history forms. All 8 pages. The group interview went well. I was the youngest person in the room of 10 by at least 7 years. Honors Theatre paid off because I was able to memorize a one page boarding announcement in 20 minutes. (Thank you, God) That lasted 3 hours. Then my 1 on 1. It was really good. Carina loves me, loves my resume', loves my cover letter and writing style. Very reassuring. We spoke about the job, what it would entail, hours worked, how long it would take me to be able to bid a line and hold it, probability of having INDY as my base. Realistically, I can't do the job and finish School. I'm three semesters and camp away from walking out with two degrees and my ASL certification. If I quit now, I won't finish. I know that about myself. Carina and I talked about it. She's putting my application, work history, and resume'/cover letter in her files and wants me to call her when I graduate. I'll have her first appointment.

It's reassuring that I know I'll have a job, provided that I make it through the training, when I get done. But....I'm not ready to be out in the "Real World" yet. I can't be that old. It's terrifying. I envy Van Wilder. I know that when the time comes for me to graduate and enter get out there, I'll be up to it and ready, but right now, I don't want to think about it. I can't. Don't focus too much on the future, you'll miss the present.

I'm messed up. It's 300 degrees outside with 1200% humidity and I'm drinking hot chocolate and eating ice chips. I need mental help. (The fax machine is spewing papper all over the place, rapidfire. lol. This is going to be fun.

Later that day....

So the fax thing was fun. It seems a fax spammer found our number and decided to abuse it. Just because we have 30 working in the office doesn't mean we each need a copy of ever fax known to man. Entertaining to say the least. Later!

Gone

2005-05-27T12:38:00.000-05:00

(Adam, you're going to know exactly what I'm talking about.)

This ain't no temporary, typical, tearful good-bye, uh uh uh
This ain't no breakin' up and wakin' up and makin' up one more time, uh uh uh
This is gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone
Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things that ain't never coming back
She's gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone, she's gone

Have you ever just known that something was going to happen, and yet been completely unable to stop it. I know what's going to happen right down to the words spoken if I do this. It's not going to be good. It's not going to be pretty. And shit is going to hit the fan. Things will be said. And lines, better not crossed, will be crossed. And I'm going to laugh my ass off when it's over. But right now, thinking about it, it isn't a good idea. I won't even get to use the whole, "seemed like a good idea at the time" excuse, because I know it isn't a good idea. I wonder if the other party involved has even thought about it. But then again I did win in the divorce. (Go Me!)

This ain't no give it time, I'm hurtin' but maybe we can work it out, uh uh uh
Won't be no champagne, red rose, romance, second chance, uh uh uh
This is gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone
Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things that ain't never coming back
She's gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone
She's gone
She's gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone, she's gone
Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things that ain't never coming back
She's gone (gone) she's gone (gone) she's gone (gone) she's gone
She's gone

Fuck this. I'm going to do it. For better or for worse. You'd better be ready to ref. this. Do you think we could set up a mud pit or jello pool or something? It could get interesting.

Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things
Well, she's gone
Long gone, done me wrong
Never comin' back, my baby's gone
Lonely at home, sittin' all alone
She's packed her bags and now she's gone
Never comin' back, she's gone
No no never, no no never, no never comin' back

I feel better having made this decision. We all knew that this is what I was going to do. (For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, ask Rabbi or call me.) Love you guys! SIDENOTE: I just finished watching All Your Base, All Your Smurf, and The End of the World. lmao I love them more each time I see them!

Seeing Red...

2005-05-26T14:19:00.000-05:00

I'm seein red
Don't think you'll have to see my face again
don't have much time for sympathy
Cuz it never happened to me
You feelin blue now
I think you bit off more than you could chew
And now it's time to make a choice
And all I wanna hear is your...

I'm kind of emotionally drained today. I feel like I don't have the capacity to sustain emotions. It's actually kind of scary. I've always felt that I don't have the capcity to feel true love or true hate. I guess that it's all fueled by my inability to sustain any emotion for a substantial period of time. It's true. Trust me. When was the last time that you've seen me have one emotion for a period of longer than 2 hours? I bounce all over the place. I can't even stay mad about something, I just stop caring...

So follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe thats when you will know
Follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When theres no place left to go
Maybe thats when you will know

...maybe it's just that the majority of my emotional space is centered on anticipation. I'm saving up energy to handle it all later? There's the bachelorette party the 24/25 of June. Which, hopefully, should go well. Personally, I don't think that any of the girls are going to drive 3 hours and spend about $100 on Sherie, but I guess I'm in the minority. It's a lot to ask of them. They're not that good of friends...

And foolish lies well can't you see
I tried to compromise
Cuz what you say ain't always true
And I can see the tears in your eyes
And what you said now
Can't stop the words from running through my head
And what I do to get through to you
But you'd only do it again

...I think back to Middle School and High School. I remember Cheerleading and dances and jobs, but what did we really have in common? Were we even friends? or just people placed together for a series of events that adapted to each others' presence? God, how sad is that? We've proven repeatedly that we aren't truely friends, we just keep hanging on. It's pathetic. I hated people like this in High School. They held on to who and what they were and never grew up. I think that none of us want to admit that we weren't ever really friends. You wouldn't treat people that are/were your best friends like this. Would you?...

So follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe that's when you will know
Follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe that's when you will know

...But I'm just as bad aren't I? I guess we really were the bitch clan weren't we?...

Well I confess, I don't know what to make from all this mess
Don't have much time for sympathy
But it never happened to me
You Feelin down I don't know where i'll be when you come around
And now it's time to make a choice,
And all I wanna hear is your voice...

...I'm horid. And repetitively redundant. (lol. 10 pts if you caught that) But, hell, I like me. My personalities and I get along just fine as long as we all keep to the time share rules of the body.

Defense Mechanisms?

2005-05-25T13:46:00.000-05:00

Mike,
Thank you for triggering this post. I don't know what it was about your latest one that did it, but thank you. These are things that I'm just unable to verbalize. You've given me words.

It's always extremely hard to know what to write or talk about. Do those brief entries that seem so meaningful to me actually say anything to anyone else? How do you reponse when you read or think something that completely verbalizes everything you've been feeling for so long? Or at least it gives you a direction to go towards verbalizing it. It's an instant clarification about things that have been confusing for so long. Wonderful and frieghtening all at the same time. And yet, something that I really want to develop. I realize that this post most likely won't accomplish what I hope for it to accomplish, but I just need to get this going....

Last year I spent the first semester conflicted. Where was home? My heart and soul were in Albion, but I was living in Indy. I didn't know where I belonged. Or really who I was...I was, and still am, two different people inhabiting one body. There's the girl that drank her way through her first year of college, got busted for underage drinking, and defined weekends by a guys' name. But then there's the person that I am when I'm honest with myself. When I'm walking though the woods or at Crooked Lake or simply talking to my parents. I still project the drug-free, National Honor Society, Honors Theatre, Student Government, Varsity Guys Soccer, Dancer to the world when I'm in Albion. They all think that I've just matured and not betrayed everything that I used to believe in. I want to shout at them that I'm not the person they all think I am and that they should stop respecting me for the mask that I wear. Stop holding me up to others.

They make me feel guilty about not being the person they expected me to be. But that isn't who I am anymore. I'm a combination of the two people. I enjoy both worlds and appreciate them for what they are, but don't keep me in the mold that you think I belong in. I'm me. And home is both Albion and Indy. Moreso Albion, but I'm working to make Indy home. I'm trying. But how can home be a place where I'm surrounded by people that don't care enough to know about me. Not the person that I project, but about the things that actually matter to me. It's like there is an entirely different person and no one even knows that she exists.

She's the part of me that's been hurt too many times and can't trust people with the dark stuff, the real stuff. Half of my life is a lie. I wonder how many people actually know that. It's not bending facts. It's outright lying. This front that everyone meets. Yea, parts of me actually come through and there are glimces of hope that I can trust people, but I don't. There's a line. Actually it's more like a castle wall, on a cliff that is in the middle of an ocean. People chip at the wall and try to storm the castle, but they can't. I've almost forgotten that there is still so much of me inside. I don't want to be hurt so she doesn't exist.

I'm not just keep people out, I'm keeping me in. But I'm so tired of hiding. I want to be free again. I want to be happy like that again. It's just that I trust the wrong people. People who end up not caring about me or what I need, but only about them. I don't want that kind of friendship anymore.

I occures to me that most of my friends haven't met my parents or siblings and haven't even been invited to go home with me. It's just me keeping myself safe again. Defense Mechanisms 101: an organism will protect itself from harmful stimulus in order to ensure survival. It's basic instinct. Nature vs. Nurture. Will an organism continue to emplyee evolved defenses if it is placed in a safe environment? Given time the organism should "relax" and it's defenses will become weakened or less reactive, but when provoked by the origonal harmful stimulus will it readapt the defenses? will it ever let them down again?

God, I hope so. I can't live inside these walls forever...