Still cleansing on day 41......(revisited)
I'm scared.....seriously.....I know who I was for the last 7 months. I'd like to hide behind the fact that I didn't really know what I was doing and the I was chemically altered by choice, but was I really? I've been completely absorbed in my anger and hurt.....at everyone. So I did things to forget about that......but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm clean......which makes me a different person....
I'm not sure how people are going to react to me changing like this. The anger is still here, the hurt its constant companion, but it's all out there now.....and the truth shall set you free......
am I really free? or am I know a casualty of my own truth? The reality in which I live isn't really reality at all, but a projection of what I want reality to be.....
she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar
Is being open like this really what I want?.....
It's not that I have things to hide, it's that I'm a victim of my own fear.
I remember when I'd run to you in fields of white flowers
we'll see............
************************************************************************
On a happier note. I'm playing a serious practical joke on someone. I'm doing it with a friend. I hope that this person doesn't get mad. That's really all I can say for now.....I'll let you know how it turns out.......
I need you, like the dragonfly's wings needs the wind
************************************************************************
Today I have realized how much I miss green food. I miss iceberg lettece and romaine lettece and spinage and "red" cabbage. Yummmyyyyyyy salads.....and carrots....I'm in heaven.....I want grapes too..... But not in my salad......This salad is so good purely for the lack of greenery in my diet of late......colorful food is sooooo much more fun to eat......screw eating...I just wanna' look at it. pretty salad.....
Am I nuts? I'm too happy today. PJJ asked if I got laid....negatory.....but I'm glowing like it, anyway.....but she also thinks that I look like a Carmel Housewife....the outfit might influence that but no.....I couldn't do that....Oh yea, obiously my bosses are back (PJJ and KC) They missed me....yea....I missed getting their Diet Cokes for them too.....I'm accomplished a month of work in the last three days, simply because they haven't been here.....is that bad? well....maybe I've been slightly more driven too....put me under pressure and I get so much done....case and point: my interior design and textiles final projects.....at 6 of them freshman year fall semester....that was a great couple of days with no sleep.....
I'm not sure what I'm doing to celebrate the 4th.....i was supposed to be in Chicago with KJS but she has a physics final on tuesday and I always go home for the fireworks at the wizards stadium, but that's monday night and I have to work on Tuesday...and there's a thing at TSAV on Sunday...but if I go to that what would I do Monday? pack and clean....duh.....i need to be smacked in the head....i don't know if I want to drive that much....i'm going to become a hermit....nope....i need people too much.....OMG....I had a two person conversation with myself, outloud, at work....maybe i do need medical help.....no.....1.5 hours of work left.....is it really 1:30? ELWOOODDDD!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, he just came to visit......he quit about a year ago and was on contract doing tech support and networking all over the country for some company.....he gets me a shot glass everywhere he goes!!!.....he told me stories about taking his final from an airport in canada.....i miss him! and now I only have a hour left!!!!
I do actually love my job, even with it's bullshit........
I'm not sure how people are going to react to me changing like this. The anger is still here, the hurt its constant companion, but it's all out there now.....and the truth shall set you free......
am I really free? or am I know a casualty of my own truth? The reality in which I live isn't really reality at all, but a projection of what I want reality to be.....
she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar
Is being open like this really what I want?.....
It's not that I have things to hide, it's that I'm a victim of my own fear.
I remember when I'd run to you in fields of white flowers
we'll see............
************************************************************************
On a happier note. I'm playing a serious practical joke on someone. I'm doing it with a friend. I hope that this person doesn't get mad. That's really all I can say for now.....I'll let you know how it turns out.......
I need you, like the dragonfly's wings needs the wind
************************************************************************
Today I have realized how much I miss green food. I miss iceberg lettece and romaine lettece and spinage and "red" cabbage. Yummmyyyyyyy salads.....and carrots....I'm in heaven.....I want grapes too..... But not in my salad......This salad is so good purely for the lack of greenery in my diet of late......colorful food is sooooo much more fun to eat......screw eating...I just wanna' look at it. pretty salad.....
Am I nuts? I'm too happy today. PJJ asked if I got laid....negatory.....but I'm glowing like it, anyway.....but she also thinks that I look like a Carmel Housewife....the outfit might influence that but no.....I couldn't do that....Oh yea, obiously my bosses are back (PJJ and KC) They missed me....yea....I missed getting their Diet Cokes for them too.....I'm accomplished a month of work in the last three days, simply because they haven't been here.....is that bad? well....maybe I've been slightly more driven too....put me under pressure and I get so much done....case and point: my interior design and textiles final projects.....at 6 of them freshman year fall semester....that was a great couple of days with no sleep.....
I'm not sure what I'm doing to celebrate the 4th.....i was supposed to be in Chicago with KJS but she has a physics final on tuesday and I always go home for the fireworks at the wizards stadium, but that's monday night and I have to work on Tuesday...and there's a thing at TSAV on Sunday...but if I go to that what would I do Monday? pack and clean....duh.....i need to be smacked in the head....i don't know if I want to drive that much....i'm going to become a hermit....nope....i need people too much.....OMG....I had a two person conversation with myself, outloud, at work....maybe i do need medical help.....no.....1.5 hours of work left.....is it really 1:30? ELWOOODDDD!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, he just came to visit......he quit about a year ago and was on contract doing tech support and networking all over the country for some company.....he gets me a shot glass everywhere he goes!!!.....he told me stories about taking his final from an airport in canada.....i miss him! and now I only have a hour left!!!!
I do actually love my job, even with it's bullshit........
posted by Sara Beth @ 8:21:00 AM
1 Comments:
At Thu Jun 30, 04:18:00 PM,
SuperP. said…
Stay clean. It's honestly the only way to live and relate and learn and grow and love. I understand hiding and every one who hides eventually must come out. The sooner you expose yourself to the world the more adept you will become with dealing with the feelings that come up in practice with the world. At first, what was real for me, was sharp, raw and painful. But, now, I can see it as soft, gentle and beautiful. It took a long, long time. But, I'd been hiding a long, long time. And, in coming out from the dark I was scared and untrusting and I hurt and I hurt people and I lost people and hiding became more tempting than ever. If you can spare yourself that, do yourself the favor.
I bet the real you in the real world is really, really beautiful. Embrace it all, even the shy, lonely, painful parts, they make up who you are and you can be anything you want, except invisible.
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