This isn't about you. This isn't about anybody in here. I hope. Unless you found me, even in here.
I'm not sure why I'm posting in here instead of in one of my blogs. Whatever.
I haven't done anything today. I've spent the entire day sleeping and thinking and trying to avoid the one thing that has continually been on my mind lately. You.
It's hard. Knowing that I could have loved you. That I know I'm still capable of loving you with everything in me. But you won't let me. You never could have or would have allowed me to love you. I know that now. It's hard. To care about you and know that I would move heaven and earth if you asked me to. But you won't. And I know that. So where do we go from here?
Do you even realize how hard this is? Through everything we've managed to be friends. The Good. The Bad. All of the hard stuff. And we've manged to still be firends. But I've realized something today. That as hard as it is to have you in my life, as a friend, it's harder to picture my life without you in it at all.
From the moment I met you, you seemed to be the piece of me that was missing. I don't know why. You were everything that I had ever wanted. But you aren't, are you? If you were, you would love me as much as I could love you.
Lately, it's been harder. I just want to hide with all of the pain I feel from not having you there. From knowing you are physically, mentally and emotionally unreachable. You're always there, and yet never there at the same time.
So here I sit. Wanting to understand. To have it all figured out. And knowing that I never will.
Good bye. I'm not sure what I'm saying good bye to. Our friendship. The dream. The hope. or the Love. But from now on, I'm done.
I know that I'll probably regret this in the morning. Delete it and go on. But tonight it makes sense. If only to me.