My Tour O'Indiana is now complete.....

This weekend was great...

The cities visited included, but was not limited too..
Indianapolis, IN
Columnbus, IN
Noblesville, IN
Marion, IN
Albion, IN
Churubusco, IN
Columbia City, IN
Warsaw, IN
Roanoke, IN
Fort Wayne, IN
Terre Haute, IN
Rushville, IN
Shelbyville, IN

It was fun....lots of driving though....

I miss being home. I looked at all of my scrapbooks and even brought some pictures back with me for my desk...I shouldn't miss high school this much...I think I just miss the way that it was. The simplistic reality...

I realize how much I miss the guys at Saint Francis...it's hard to believe they're all graduating/have graduated....I really miss PD and AW....AW always made me think, until my head hurt, about everything from religion to cartoons. I fell in love with "good" music there too....CKY!!! lol....but more of the Denison Witmer, Copeland, etc.... I really miss PD. He always sang to us, and drew pictures, and made up songs on his guitar, he was such a mystery to me...always that barely visible softer side....I see that in people now....I loved the side of him that came out while we were alone....it wasn't what he said, we rarely talked, but it was just sitting there. The way that he'd hold me...how he always smelt my hair.....I miss that........we had so much fun/got into so much trouble....we were both always ready to do anything......I still cant' believe that we got aways with kidnapping them......handcuffs, blindfolds, all of it.....I'm looking at the picture right now...

I see that softer side in someone. We'll call him XYZ. In his eyes. The front that he puts up. Those few unguarded moments when you see something real....the emotion behind it all....is it obvious that I like him? It's weird....I feel like the second I saw him something registared inside me....a kindred spirit perhaps...I just wish there were a time or place to say something...

.....and I have just conducted a search for PD...has it really been two years?..... damn it if he just wasn't fun to hang out with......

Seeing TSAH was fun, funny, interesting.....I dunno....I felt really nervious being there...That and I was really grouchy that night....I think it was too much time in the car...I'm sorry all....I wanted to kill T at IHOP....playing in the sprinklers was soooo much fun...I actually got to play with fireworks! That's a first...I had sparklers!!! They made me happy. Driving back to Indy was a big mistake...God, I was so tired, but I made it. It was weird being sober in a room of drunk people, but entertaining.

I miss JRM. Between him and XYZ there lies the perfect guy. They both epitimize what I'm looking for. JRM sees this side of me that others don't. He gets my need for physical space and my homegrown country roots....he snores...he's a frat boy...he's nuts...he drives a truck...

I'm utterly confused.....I see the possibility and probability of loving both JRM and XYZ...and it's confounding....
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Day 46 of 60. I'm almost done. Knowing that and getting to day 60 are two completely different things. I know that people aren't supposed to self medicate, but forcing myself to do a 60 day detox isn't really self medicating, is it? I do have to say that today is one of the harder days.

For so long I was on the downward spiral and now, trying to climb back up it all is hard. And I don't know if I can do it. Actually I know that I can do this. From experience. Why are drugs so tempting to me? I'm lethargic. Maybe that's why I like drugs? The day's almost over. I'll be good soon. 13 days left.
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For you XYZ,

I hate it when you look at me
The gleam in your eyes,
it says that you see it all.
That you see through my facade,
know that it's not the real me.
But in those moments,
I see through your mask too.

I see your pain and despair.
I wish that I could take it away,
although I'm not the cause.
You're hopelessness intrigues me.
I want you to see,
all love is not lost.

I want to give you faith and peace of mind.
Heal your pain with patience.
But in spite of it all,
you truely terrify me.
And that is why I am silent.