A Year Under the Influence

hmmm. I need to write. Just let it all out. But I don't really know where to start. Or stop for that matter. It's all kinda up in the air and I'm happy and content, yet confused.

I could be high right now

weekends. i think that that is the greatest word ever. so my weekends have begun on Thursday ever since i've been in college. This is how it's been going recently...

Thursday: I teach Denis Z. routine at my house. This always involves CDS and CMK. And lots of alcohol. This week we had a major sparring match that turned street fighting. Needless to say that I'm covered in bruises from head to toe. I also dyed CDS hair. And cut it too. It's amazing!! CDS and DZ left around 12 and DJ was going to come over and join CMK and I for a movie. MW and her boyfriend showed up, unannounced, and crashed what was promising to be an amazing evening. She pisses me off. Everyone left around 2 and I spent the next 2 hours on the phone with him discussing "us". I'm not even going to go there. Didn't sleep that night because I was too emotional. Went to work Friday 9-1. CDS dyed my hair!! Yes, I'm no longer a red head. Sorry!! But it looks really good!. CMK came over and we talked/played poker/hung out for a while. I was supposed to go to dinner with ACR, but she was to call me at 2:30 and hadn't yet at 6. She wouldn't answer her phone so I went to a Pacers game with KJS instead. It was awesome. We kept getting carded. Fuckers. It's PEPSI. lol. Not really. :) We took pictures with the fucking deer. Seriously, the deer are fucking. Went home and sobered up. Then headed to JM and S's apartment. CMK came over and so did Dyl. We watched Devil's Advocate. Okay, I slept through it. Went home around 4. Got up Saturday morning for karate. CMK and BJE kicked my ass. Then we got cleaned up, went to Qdoba for dinner and headed to MH's house. I learned to shift a stick!! It's great. CMK is smoking, on the phone and steering; I'm smoking, on the phone and shifting. We make a great pair (rolls eyes). We got up to CODE Zero's house for CODE Fest 6. It was awesome. I should have been on acid or something for this party. So many glow sticks, it would have been worth it. CMK headed out to go drop some stuff off at a client's house. We ended up leaving CODE around 12 and met him back at my house. BJE and MH fell asleep and we headed out for smoothies. Got back and watched The New Guy. Hilarious, as usual. CMK left around 4 and I headed to bed around 6. Up at 8 with BJE and MH for church. Did homework all day and the Dyl picked me up at 5 to head to OneLiners. Holy Shit. It was great. Back home around 10. Over to AMS's for Grey's and then more homework before bed.

I'm not sure how I do it all....

News: he's officially going to new york for the summer. i'll see him in august. this could be good and bad. we'll see. I have a cold. And a dance performance Saturday. I can't be sick.

You should come to the concert on the circle on Sunday. It's going to be awesome. 2:00, be there or be square...

hmmmmmmmmm

Hell is Indiana without CMK in a snow storm. He's in NYC.

It doesn't matter that I'm mad at him, I still had to see him all weekend. We did karate at BJE's on Friday. Then dance workshops with Mike Topal (amazing). Dance workshops on Saturday. Dinner and Dance Saturday night. ISDC on Sunday.

It does matter in our friendship that I'm mad. And he knows it. It's not that I'm being bitchy or cold or avoiding him, it's that I just don't have anything to say. And I don't trust him anymore. If I can't trust him with something like this, then how can I ever trust him with bigger things? That's what this really comes down to, isn't it? People keep asking me what's wrong between us, I tell them nothing. They know I lie. And in the middle of all of this, you go to NYC. I guess it just gives me more time to think.

You'll be at my house tonight. I don't want you there. And we're going to Chancellor's with D on Friday. I don't want to see you. And the COD Party on Saturday followed by the LAN party at my house. Still don't want to see you. I know it's in my eyes when I look at you.

It's why you stood in front of my car on Monday and wouldn't let me leave practice until I had talked to you. Talk. Whatever. Screaming for 45 minutes about Swing Cats is more like it. But you agreed with everything I said. And you stood there holding me. And we danced. And you made everything all right, if only for a few minutes. So what's new?

You called to hear my voice one more time before you left for New York. And the call that I didn't answer while you were at the airport.

Being mad doesn't stop me from thinking about you 24/7. I wish it did. None of this stops me from thinking that you're it. MH agrees with me. She'd know. Hell, the four of us are always together. But it's weird. I know you're going to NYC for the summer. And the only thing I can think is that you'll come back realize what you could have had. But I won't be there. I'm coming to visit you. I know I promised. I think you need the time away from me. I need the time away from you. So I want you to go. I want to not think about you every second of every day. But can't say I'll be here when you come home.

Rant

You truly pissed me off tonight. And I know that you know it. It's why you spent the entire drive home appologizing and offering me excuses. But it doesn't even matter anymore. Because I've learned things about myself tonight.

I cared about you with a depth of emotion that I didn't know I was capable of feeling. And I trusted you with everything in me. But now? I don't even want to be around you. And you can't even understand why I'm so mad.

I DID NOT spend three monthes of my life lying in a bed, fighting a tumor the size of a soft ball and four different kinds of withdrawl for me to ever want to be around it again.

When you lied and said that you didn't do it anymore, I believed you. When you said that you had started again, but promised to never do it around me, I believed you. When you did do it around me, but appologized and said that you would never do it around me again, I believed you. But tonight, when you walked up those stairs, I was ready to leave and M was going to take me. I don't care if you do it, (I'm not that much of a hypocrit) just NOT AROUND ME.

And you say, that if you ever even think about doing it again I'm supposed to walk into the room and kick your ass. No. I shouldn't have to. But I will leave and you will never see me again. That is how much this means to ME.

Right now I don't want to see you. I don't want to be around you. And tomorrow at karate, I will kick your ass.

You almost had me in tears tonight. After everything I have been through this weekend (I'll get into that at another time.), you do this. You knew the hell that I've been through, you talk me into going out and you break THIS promise.

I haven't talked to AT in a week, and he called me 20 minutes ago, because he had a feeling that I was mad. He's ready to get on the next plan back to Indiana to kick your ass.

But hey, at least I know I'm actually capable of feeling strong emotion. If nothing else, you've done that.

Desperado on a Thursday morning

I love this song. 100 points to anyone that loves the Eagles. 300 points to anyone eating girl scout cookies right now. Yumm!!!!

I'm thinking of heading to B-town this weekend. That's gonna cause issues. Not my problem.

The were dancing and singing and movin' to the groovin' and just when it hit me, somebody turned around and shouted Play that Funky Music White Boy

It's Lent. Fat Tuesday was fun. Ash Wednesday, not so much. But now it's Lent and I'm not sure what I'm giving up or doing. The obvious is to quit smoking. I'm not ready to do that yet.

lol. I'm singing to the new guy. I forget his name, but whatever. It's more the song: You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi. He's busting up.

Oh well.

I'm thinking of giving up CMK. That would be interesting. lol. Let me know if you have any thoughts....

Ironic Fates

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

Ironic. Don't you think? You won't let me love you and yet I wonder if I still have the desire to do so...

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I can't promise you that I'll always be here. I know that right now I still want to be, even though I shouldn't. Who knows. The future is all smoke and mirrors.

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

I guess life is funny isn't it? When you think you want something, it isn't there. But when you don't want it, it's right in front of you.

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

myspace

So this is in my Myspace Blog. But I feel more open to have it in here. I'll expand upon it later.

This isn't about you. This isn't about anybody in here. I hope. Unless you found me, even in here.

I'm not sure why I'm posting in here instead of in one of my blogs. Whatever.

I haven't done anything today. I've spent the entire day sleeping and thinking and trying to avoid the one thing that has continually been on my mind lately. You.

It's hard. Knowing that I could have loved you. That I know I'm still capable of loving you with everything in me. But you won't let me. You never could have or would have allowed me to love you. I know that now. It's hard. To care about you and know that I would move heaven and earth if you asked me to. But you won't. And I know that. So where do we go from here?

Do you even realize how hard this is? Through everything we've managed to be friends. The Good. The Bad. All of the hard stuff. And we've manged to still be firends. But I've realized something today. That as hard as it is to have you in my life, as a friend, it's harder to picture my life without you in it at all.

From the moment I met you, you seemed to be the piece of me that was missing. I don't know why. You were everything that I had ever wanted. But you aren't, are you? If you were, you would love me as much as I could love you.

Lately, it's been harder. I just want to hide with all of the pain I feel from not having you there. From knowing you are physically, mentally and emotionally unreachable. You're always there, and yet never there at the same time.

So here I sit. Wanting to understand. To have it all figured out. And knowing that I never will.

Good bye. I'm not sure what I'm saying good bye to. Our friendship. The dream. The hope. or the Love. But from now on, I'm done.

I know that I'll probably regret this in the morning. Delete it and go on. But tonight it makes sense. If only to me.