hmmmmmmmmm

Hell is Indiana without CMK in a snow storm. He's in NYC.

It doesn't matter that I'm mad at him, I still had to see him all weekend. We did karate at BJE's on Friday. Then dance workshops with Mike Topal (amazing). Dance workshops on Saturday. Dinner and Dance Saturday night. ISDC on Sunday.

It does matter in our friendship that I'm mad. And he knows it. It's not that I'm being bitchy or cold or avoiding him, it's that I just don't have anything to say. And I don't trust him anymore. If I can't trust him with something like this, then how can I ever trust him with bigger things? That's what this really comes down to, isn't it? People keep asking me what's wrong between us, I tell them nothing. They know I lie. And in the middle of all of this, you go to NYC. I guess it just gives me more time to think.

You'll be at my house tonight. I don't want you there. And we're going to Chancellor's with D on Friday. I don't want to see you. And the COD Party on Saturday followed by the LAN party at my house. Still don't want to see you. I know it's in my eyes when I look at you.

It's why you stood in front of my car on Monday and wouldn't let me leave practice until I had talked to you. Talk. Whatever. Screaming for 45 minutes about Swing Cats is more like it. But you agreed with everything I said. And you stood there holding me. And we danced. And you made everything all right, if only for a few minutes. So what's new?

You called to hear my voice one more time before you left for New York. And the call that I didn't answer while you were at the airport.

Being mad doesn't stop me from thinking about you 24/7. I wish it did. None of this stops me from thinking that you're it. MH agrees with me. She'd know. Hell, the four of us are always together. But it's weird. I know you're going to NYC for the summer. And the only thing I can think is that you'll come back realize what you could have had. But I won't be there. I'm coming to visit you. I know I promised. I think you need the time away from me. I need the time away from you. So I want you to go. I want to not think about you every second of every day. But can't say I'll be here when you come home.