Be My Escape.....from myself

I've given up
I'm giving up slowly
I'm blending in so
You won't even know me apart from
This whole world that shares my fate
This one last call that
You mentioned is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away
And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and
That might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go,
Promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I really felt this today. It's hard for me to realize that I'm never going to be able to change completley enough that I don't feel threatened by my past. Or that I don't feel anxiety when a name crosses my mind. Classic conditioning at its finest. I've spent six years training myself to fear who I was that the closer I come to parelleling that person the more introverted and withdrawn I am. In essence I'm forcing myself closer to what I fear most: myself.

I'm giving up
I'm doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

This weekend is really going to involve a lot of soul searching. I'm going to come back a changed person, again. My mom always helps with that. She knows what's wrong long before I do. But she always waits for me to come to her with the problem. She knows that I need to figure it out for myself before I can ask for help. That and I get to go sit on a grain bin and watch the stars. Or go out in the trees and stare at the sky. Just have space. I always get this morose when I've been away from home too long. I need the clarity that home always gives me.

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while
You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and
That might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go,
Promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something
I can't shake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

It's terrible isn't it? I'm running away from everything in Indianapolis. But more importantly I'm running aways from what I feel when I'm here. I'm still afraid of being in the city. I want my farm back. The claustrophobic feeling of beign surrounded by buildings and concrete. The parks and canal don't even help anymore. I think that this is why I need my summers. I need to be able to feel relaxed and free once in a while. Escape from my prison.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for
You to do what You can with me
But I can't ask
You to give what
You already gave

I've screwed things up with Matt. Big surprise there. I'm not ready to have a "guy" in my life. Period. It sucks. He's great. I jsut can't handle it. Well, that's not true. I'm hiding behind hurt, anger, and frustration, but I can't move on until I've resolved everything that's in the here and now.

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and
That might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
Promise I'm going because
I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You