Ironic Fates

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

Ironic. Don't you think? You won't let me love you and yet I wonder if I still have the desire to do so...

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I can't promise you that I'll always be here. I know that right now I still want to be, even though I shouldn't. Who knows. The future is all smoke and mirrors.

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

I guess life is funny isn't it? When you think you want something, it isn't there. But when you don't want it, it's right in front of you.

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

myspace

So this is in my Myspace Blog. But I feel more open to have it in here. I'll expand upon it later.

This isn't about you. This isn't about anybody in here. I hope. Unless you found me, even in here.

I'm not sure why I'm posting in here instead of in one of my blogs. Whatever.

I haven't done anything today. I've spent the entire day sleeping and thinking and trying to avoid the one thing that has continually been on my mind lately. You.

It's hard. Knowing that I could have loved you. That I know I'm still capable of loving you with everything in me. But you won't let me. You never could have or would have allowed me to love you. I know that now. It's hard. To care about you and know that I would move heaven and earth if you asked me to. But you won't. And I know that. So where do we go from here?

Do you even realize how hard this is? Through everything we've managed to be friends. The Good. The Bad. All of the hard stuff. And we've manged to still be firends. But I've realized something today. That as hard as it is to have you in my life, as a friend, it's harder to picture my life without you in it at all.

From the moment I met you, you seemed to be the piece of me that was missing. I don't know why. You were everything that I had ever wanted. But you aren't, are you? If you were, you would love me as much as I could love you.

Lately, it's been harder. I just want to hide with all of the pain I feel from not having you there. From knowing you are physically, mentally and emotionally unreachable. You're always there, and yet never there at the same time.

So here I sit. Wanting to understand. To have it all figured out. And knowing that I never will.

Good bye. I'm not sure what I'm saying good bye to. Our friendship. The dream. The hope. or the Love. But from now on, I'm done.

I know that I'll probably regret this in the morning. Delete it and go on. But tonight it makes sense. If only to me.

politics on campus

As the Spring semester rolls on many things happen at IUPUI. New policies for next years' campus are discussed. USG elections. Rolling down hills. Climbing the fountain. Taking pictures with the fucking deer. And I can say that because they are fucking. Gotta' love Herron. Stupid art students. And once again the campus is full of political bullshit. New this year: I am getting involved. Yes, I'm being political.

The much debated topic for next year: IUPUI becoming a nonsmoking campus. Fuck you. This entails that if I walk down Michigan Street the second I cross West Street I can be ticketed for smoking. On the sidewalk. If I sit in my car in the parking lot and smoke, I can be ticketed. WTF, mate? And campus housing, completely smoke free. How can they enforce this? We're already planning protests. It's my right if I want to kill myself. I understand this. It's not like I'm sitting in front of a door, blowing smoke in peoples faces. I generally go to an area where it is easy for people to avoid the smoke. Go to Hell. You can't enforce this. It's an infringement on my rights for you to even try. Discriminating bastards.

USG Elections: I am generally a person with the theory of "I don't care who you vote for as long as you vote." I am now a "vote for anyone, but the PEOPLE's Party" person. Okay, your platform is to increase student involvement and let the students know where their money is being spent. I get that. Walking into a USG meeting with a "hit list" of the the majority of the executive board and committee chairs and saying that they are self serving, biased and corrupt was stupid. Not attending the debates because the "people that are going to be there aren't important" just because we belong to nonacademic student groups. Your entire theory of how to accomplish your goals is to take the funding way from nonacademic student groups. How does that help build communittee? You're taking away the ability of the most active groups on campus to be active. You don't make any sense and I'M campaigning to vote for anyone but you. If you win, you'll effectively end all of the active groups on campus. Fuck off. I have worked too hard, spent too much time and money on making Swing Cats the most recongnizable group on campus and in the Indianapolis Community for you to fuck it up. Get off yourself you self serving assholes.

End Rant.

cyber world

hmmmmmmmmm. what to write. i'll just go with it.

i started talking to PD this week. wow, talk about a rush of memories i'd rather forget. he found me in facebook and i guess everything's cool. weird. he's in philly, pa now. stupid artist. why do i always go for the moody artist types? he wants me to stop through on my way to nyc for break. lol.

CMK and i are going to NY. alone. not sure if i should be concerned??? it's completely logical. i'm headed up to niagra falls to visit family, etc. and he has an internship interview in NYC. tell me it doesn't make sense. my parents aren't going to see it that way. i'm working on it though. we'll see....

we took pictures with the deer last night. if you haven't heard about these, well then, are you living in a cave? anywho. There is a sculpture on campus, outside of Herron, of two deer. Fucking. Missonary. Very detailed. These will be on facebook soon. what else are you going to do at 11:30 on a monday night?

i have girl scout cookies. yum. is it 11 yet? nope. not even close. oh well. life is good. hope all is well with everyone out there in cyber world!!

Seein' Red on a Friday

Greetings from the lab.

I have an ass crap load of music on my IPOD. It's random too, but I love it. Two hours of me hitting the NEXT button and I still haven't hit 100 or 1081. I gained 250+ songs last night. I'm starting to think about making play lists. lol. We'll see. If anyone has ideas for good songs let me know! I still have a butt load of room.

We had tornado sirens last night. Ruined a very night day dream about cruising the Med. I wish I could have made it over to Athen this year. That would have been an amazing trip. AE's mad that I'm not going. It was just bad timeing. I'm going to cross the sea eventually. I'm thinking about heading to NYC for break. I want to go vist my family up at the Falls. I haven't been up there in a couple of years. I want to see the mountains again too. It should be great. Still cold. Most people go south, but I want to head north. I'm nuts.

I posted pictures on Facebook the other day. There are a lot more to come, but I have to find the time to do it. I'll let ya know.

My hair is getting long. I have braided pigtails today. Talk about going back to my roots. lol. It makes sense. I'm headed home tonight or tomorrow.

My break was fun today. I had gangsters paradise blaring and a group of six thugs walked by. Soundtrack of my life, I guess.

Lots of controversy on campus lately. It's going Smoke-free in May. I don't know how they're going to enforce it. Half the population smokes in Naptown. My friends are coming up with ways to protest. It essentially contains our daily habits of sitting outside of CA and UC, in a circle, and smoking. Go us. KJS is making me quit before we move in together. Another one bites the dust, I guess.

I have a meeting at 1:30 with CMK. We're making a video for 'Cats. I have lots of ideas, but we don't have anything concrete yet. Yikes. Talk about an in depth project.

The Lab is really quiet today. It's nice, if a triffle boring. lol. I wanna dance. I just hit Sublime. lol. Caress Me Down. Yikes. Not good for work. Ahhhhhh....Unwritten Law.

Okay time for me to go. Nothing else to say. Have a great weekend!!

The Valuable Lessons of the Weekend

Yes, there is a story.

Saturday SS and JM came up to my house and we went to Castleton. JM and I had our nails done while SS was in a meeting for his work. We picked him up and E joined us for lunch at Outback. Good food. E left because he was moving into a new apartment and had to have everything in before he headed to work at MidTown. lol. He had to be there to let us wonderful underagers in. Gotta love it. SS, JM and I went shopping. SS and I spent ALL DAY dressing JM up and attempting to find her the "perfect" outfit for the party. I love SS for being a guy that loves to shop! We headed back downtown about 6:30. WHERE I HAD A CAR ACCIDENT! It's fine. It was my fault. No one was hurt and the cars are okay. No damage. I had an angel watching over me. So they head home, I shower, change, get beautiful and head down to SS and JM's on the southside. WE HAD A MINIBUS!!! Yes, it was supposed to be a limo, but we had too many people. So two bottles of vodka, a stop at Kroger, a bottle of cranberry juice and we were off. At this point, I need to mention that I have motion sickness. And I was in the back of the bus. Hello, it's where the cool kids are. :) I ended up laying down en route (this was after I was pole danceing). We got to Broad Ripple and half of us got off. This is when I sat up, looked at SS and CMK and said, "I need to get off this bus." They didn't listen to me. Because we only had to go "around the block." Apparently, around the block was too far and I was worshiping the trash can in the front of the bus. About now, we talked and it was decided that I'd chill for a little bit, we'd go get some food, and then the rest of us would head into MidTown. Then Leon, our bus driver, decided that I couldn't get off the bus. I HAD MOTION SICKNESS. Being on the bus was a bad thing. I ended up calling SDRC at 3 a.m. and she came and got me. Took R, CMK and myself back to our cars on Banta. FOR WHICH I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL FOR. She got me off the bus. I was wearing more vodka than I had consumed, fyi. As soon as I was off the bus, I was fine, it was the 2.5 hours, when Leon was physically restraining me, against my logical reasoning, that did me in. In spite of it all, I actually had fun. I'm not sure why. SDRC received chocolates and a rose yesterday. CMK was given fabreeze for his jacket (which I was wearing), mints (because he stole mine), and keys to my apartment and car (because I never want to have to scale a balcony (in a dress and heels) to get them ever again.)

So that was how it went. And then my parents were in town on Sunday. We'll save that for a later date.

Today I'm a fairy of love. lol. Passing out kisses and valentines all day. go me. I'm over compensating. Yes, I know this. It's all good. Let me have my delustions!!

Randomness

Taken from my Myspace Blog:

"So I'm bored at work on a Friday.

I've been reading the blogs of a person who's blog I really shouldn't be reading. They piss me off. No, it's not you.

The pettyness and immature rambling, arrggggggg. So, why am I even reading it? Good question. Apparently I like hurting myself. It's all emotional. I do it because for some reason I want to learn more about them. I want to understand why things are the way they are. And yet, I always end up becoming too frusterated to go on in my attempt to understand.

I find myself wondering why I want to understand at all."

So basically it's SR. I have the same need to understand her that CMK has with needing to understand CPP. Why are we doing this to each other and ourselves?

I need to sort out how I feel in all of this, but I'm not sure what end it will lead to. He's an amazing friend. But is that all? Is that where everything ends? I don't know. That's my honest conclusion. There are days when my life without him in it terrify me. I rely on him too much. But at the same time he gets me. He knows my motives before I do.

Example: Valentine's Dance last Saturday. I went. I danced. We performed. Performances are the worst. Everytime we do it, I'm dancing a new part that I'm not comfortable with in front of people who make West Coast Swing their lives. They stand there and you know that in their minds they are critiquing everything you do. It makes every misstep and beat more important. I love dancing with BNA, though. He always makes it fun. I look up at him and he has that goofy grin on his face and it always feels like we're back in practice, just doing our thing. The death drop still scares me. I have CMK for that. That drop is a test in trust. It's so hard because DJ almost breaks my ankle on the natural top everytime. And then I dance hard for two minutes and at the end I'm supporting my weight on an ankle that's swollen and sore. I wrap it as a precaution and then KF, our instructor, tells me that I shouldn't be dancing on a sore ankle.

I digress. So after the performance I headed home. Personally I didn't want to be there anyway. I crashed. Mentally. I have this uncontrollable fear about what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go when I graduate next year. I like my life the way it is. Anyway, CMK called when he left the dance and stopped by for a while. We talked for a while and then we just laid in bed. I had this instant calm. He kept telling me that everything was going to be alright and I was going to be great at whatever I chose to do. "If the worst happens and you don't know what you want to do, you can begin again in Photography. You have a gift and it shouldn't be wasted." I have a natural composition, apparently.

Is it weird that I could definitely spend the rest of my life with him. And it doesn't matter in what capacity? lol.

We have a deal that if we both aren't married when we're 30 then we're getting married. And if I do get married before then, he's my maid of honor. lol. can you see him in a coral/ivory dress? He'd do it for me. :) I'm designing my own wedding dress, and bridesmaids dresses. They're so simple, but pretty. Maybe with a touch of blue.

SDRC you have to meet him. I need your opinion. We're going out for S's birthday Saturday. MidTown here we come. I love knowing bartenders and bouncers. A hummer limo and a shit load of drinking. I can't wait. OOOOOOO I have to check my email.

I hope that everything is going well for everyone! Have a great weekend!

mmmmmmmmm

I skipped pratice this morning. opppppss. yea. 7 a.m. and dancing just doesn't happen. you can't even bribe me into going. sorry.

it's partially CMK's fault. we have just a messed up friendship. anyway. we went to hollywood bar and filmworks last night to see walk the line. liked the move, it cut off at the end and left us wanting to know more, but still good. the food there is decent. nothing to write home about, but it's just the atmosphere.

oh, i got vp of swing cats. go me.

i really don't like a lot of my friends. i know this. MW has no concept of having control over herself sober, let alone drunk. She has a constant need of attention. CDS, there's a lot there too. they kind of surround me with this need to not care about anything. i get to the point where i feel the need to run away from them and then i stop caring. i guess it works. i've made some really good friends through CMK. and the nice thing is, they have the same issues with MW that I do.

well. i have to get off work now. i'm feeling really drained. i'm going to sleep tonight! as in class is over at 4 and i'll wake up tomorrow. won't happen, but still it's a nice thought.

i hope everyone out there has a good one!