Taken from my Myspace Blog:
"So I'm bored at work on a Friday.
I've been reading the blogs of a person who's blog I really shouldn't be reading. They piss me off. No, it's not you.
The pettyness and immature rambling, arrggggggg. So, why am I even reading it? Good question. Apparently I like hurting myself. It's all emotional. I do it because for some reason I want to learn more about them. I want to understand why things are the way they are. And yet, I always end up becoming too frusterated to go on in my attempt to understand.
I find myself wondering why I want to understand at all."
So basically it's SR. I have the same need to understand her that CMK has with needing to understand CPP. Why are we doing this to each other and ourselves?
I need to sort out how I feel in all of this, but I'm not sure what end it will lead to. He's an amazing friend. But is that all? Is that where everything ends? I don't know. That's my honest conclusion. There are days when my life without him in it terrify me. I rely on him too much. But at the same time he gets me. He knows my motives before I do.
Example: Valentine's Dance last Saturday. I went. I danced. We performed. Performances are the worst. Everytime we do it, I'm dancing a new part that I'm not comfortable with in front of people who make West Coast Swing their lives. They stand there and you know that in their minds they are critiquing everything you do. It makes every misstep and beat more important. I love dancing with BNA, though. He always makes it fun. I look up at him and he has that goofy grin on his face and it always feels like we're back in practice, just doing our thing. The death drop still scares me. I have CMK for that. That drop is a test in trust. It's so hard because DJ almost breaks my ankle on the natural top everytime. And then I dance hard for two minutes and at the end I'm supporting my weight on an ankle that's swollen and sore. I wrap it as a precaution and then KF, our instructor, tells me that I shouldn't be dancing on a sore ankle.
I digress. So after the performance I headed home. Personally I didn't want to be there anyway. I crashed. Mentally. I have this uncontrollable fear about what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go when I graduate next year. I like my life the way it is. Anyway, CMK called when he left the dance and stopped by for a while. We talked for a while and then we just laid in bed. I had this instant calm. He kept telling me that everything was going to be alright and I was going to be great at whatever I chose to do. "If the worst happens and you don't know what you want to do, you can begin again in Photography. You have a gift and it shouldn't be wasted." I have a natural composition, apparently.
Is it weird that I could definitely spend the rest of my life with him. And it doesn't matter in what capacity? lol.
We have a deal that if we both aren't married when we're 30 then we're getting married. And if I do get married before then, he's my maid of honor. lol. can you see him in a coral/ivory dress? He'd do it for me. :) I'm designing my own wedding dress, and bridesmaids dresses. They're so simple, but pretty. Maybe with a touch of blue.
SDRC you have to meet him. I need your opinion. We're going out for S's birthday Saturday. MidTown here we come. I love knowing bartenders and bouncers. A hummer limo and a shit load of drinking. I can't wait. OOOOOOO I have to check my email.
I hope that everything is going well for everyone! Have a great weekend!