The Redundant Ramblings of an Insane Mind

Okay, so I'm nuts. I think that everyone should know that up front. But I enjoy my insanity. I feel sorry for people that suffer from theirs. I'm an Irish Catholic Redhead. Picture that! hehehe. Anything else you want to know just ask!

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

I have to give credit to Amy for this pic. It's my favorite from her senior photography project. Posted by Hello

the zephyr song...does music get better than this?

yo. so this weekend was great. i had so much fun.

bepko honors convocation on friday. i was in heels and a cute black dress for 18 hours. but i thouroughly enjoyed myself. everyone now recognizes how hard it is to pull off an event without me and what an asset i am to have around. i hate how hard it is to earn respect as an intern. no one thinks that i know my shit when i've been planning and pulling off events my entire life. i wish people would take me seriously. lol. it really was great. i love union station!

saturday. star wars convention. need i say more? i worked customer service. our computers were down. the fire martial shut down ticket sales. but, because i volunteered i got to go to the volunteer only line for the gift store. this is important because there was a darth vader figuring that was selling out and my cousin, matt, really wanted one. i made some friends in line and ended up purchasing five of them. one for matt and four for them with the option of letting stewart buy one of them. it worked out great. i have achieved favorite cousin status. lol.

kimmer and i went to cheeseburger in paradise and they served me! yummy shit. eric managed to ruin my night by being an asshat though. stupid shit. anyway. got an A on my OLS test. it was fun. kimmer and i ended up at meijer at like 2 a.m. looking for bug killer because her apt was infested. we got raid carpet stuff, a contact killer, and 6 foggers. she stayed at my place in her old room. we brought the rodent too. we couldn't leave it there to die. brandon would have killed us. dude and then her car got towed. it was such a crappy night all around.

dad came down and we went to karen's to pick up my couch. ahhh....i have a real lazy boy couch. i love it. it's had two awesome naps already.

oooooo. i've been contracted out to the MET department to plan the buv competition on saturday. my timeline sucks, but i'm working with what i've got. it's in zionsville. i get to drive an atv around in the mud all day. well, after my statistics final anyway. wish me luck!


Monday, April 18, 2005

The depression isn't getting better. It's getting worse. The more I try to be happy, the less happy I am. I'm miserable. I guess here's how it's been lately:

Finished my Marketing and Systems papers. Turned them in. Waiting for grades. Cross your fingers.

Working on OLS house. Praying that Nick and Ryan do a decent job on theirs.

I got a D on my Accounting test last week. I think that, that is the kick start of my shitty weekend. We'll get to that later.

Oh hell, we'll start here. I got up Friday and our Accounting grades were posted. 68%. A nice D. Went and talked to Prof. Avgoustis. I have a B in the class now. That sucks cuz I really wanted to get a 3.5 this semester, but I might still make it. I hope. I have to do well on the final though.

I got called in for an emergency at work. I needed to repot the Dean's tree and two plants. Yes, I repotted plants for $7.50 a hour. It was fun. :)

Dad and Steven showed up around 12:30. We did lunch at Arby's and then headed to Rose-Hulman for the Punk's first college visit. He loves it there. I'm glad. He'll be close, but not too close.

Amy and I fought all weekend. It was crap. I truely think that I hate her. Iknow that I don't, but things would be much easier if I did.

I don't even care. I'm out.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Me....and my "dark time"

I haven't been here in a short little while. I think that it is directly linked to the fact that I'm extremely depressed. No, seriously. I am. Me, the girl that could never have a bad day, whose mood was never dampened by anything. I'm depressed. I'm talking 1.Not getting out of be. 2.NOt going to the gym. 3.Not eating or eating everything in sight 4.Yelling at everyone around me 5.Crying a lot. It sucks. YOu'll be happy to know that it took me a while to figure it out that I was depressed. lol, right.

Now, because I have figured this out, I'm going to fix it. Everyone keeps telling me to go see a doctor. I don't need a doctor. I don't need happy pills. What I need is for my classes to quit overloading me. And here we have reached the cause of my "dark time" because I refuse to call this depression.

The Cause:

1. My OLS class is a study on the way that groups work together and within themselves to solve problems and have experiences. This is great. We have 3 workaholics (Roger, Liz, Myself) 1 social loafer (Nick) and 1 guy that folls somewhere in the middle (Ryan). Liz, Roger, and I have done a good job, so far, of balancing the slack from the other two and picking it up. However, this does create a shit load of extra work when you have a project, presentation, or paper due every week. Obviously this is slightly stressful for me.

2. My systems class. This class has actually gotten much better lately. We have a 15 page paper due in a week. Dana, Nicole, and I have this done. We finished it Thursday and are now planning our presentation for Tuesday of next week. Ahhhh, not nearly as stressful as it was.

3. Marketing. GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGPIECEOFSHIT!!!!!%%$^&*#$%^&^$#(#&(^#(#^. So I'm not very happy with my group at this point and time. Our paper is due Thursday. We were each supposed to bring in three pages, typed, on our sections. Sidenote: this is a 10-15 page paper on the marketing strategy of our chosen company: East of Chicago Pizza Company. Back to the story: Jami, who lives on campus, has been having computer problems and her pc finally died. So she turned in a hand written one page blirb copied from the research THAT I DID FOR HER. Because she couldn't make the ten minute walk to campus and use a computer lab. huh. But she isn't the Real problem. Sabra, the spawn of satan brought to life to make my life a living hell. She's my problem. She brought in one page typed. COPIED and PASTED FROM THE PROPOSAL THAT I WROTE, which btw is at the beginning of the paper. She refused to send me her work on the basis that her mother is an English teacher and would proofread our paper for us. Which, granted would be nice. so Friday, I sat in my room and researched/wrote a seven page paper that would earn me an A- or B+. I wasn't satisfied with it, but there were still 3 more pages to be added. That alone should have brought it up to an A paper.
Monday this....thing??? for lack of a better work is emailed back to me. I would give a fifth grader a D on this piece of SHIT. So I spent six hours of my night editing, fixing, and writing/rewriting what she should have done in the first place. She even lied and told me the paper was 11 pages. Not even close, try 9. There was not subject/verb agreement. The tense changed between singular and plural AND past and present. She used abreviations like EOC for East of Chicago, Papa's for Papa Johns, and the Hut for Pizza Hut.
I'm still just a little pissed. In fact, I'm going to walk into class and punch her in the face. Then, I'm going to go to jail for assult and battery, where I will get off because I'm terminally insane. My mom thinks it's a good plan. My OLS class is selling tickets for the show. Dana and Nicole told me to hit her for them too.
And I still have two more classes to go!

But anyway basically I've spent the last two weeks doing nothing but homework, going to class, and working. I'm an extroverted introvert. I need to be around people at least once a week or I go a little nutty. This is why I'm depressed. Aren't you glad that I told you?

Okay, enough of that....time for the insight of the day:

Depression (wonder of all wonders, right?)

I can't feel sorry for people that are depressed. Depression is the results of our own actions. I do realize that there are people with chemical imbalances that lead them towards depression, however it is correctable. Mind over Matter. You don't mind, it doesn't matter. I also think that the world would be a happier place if we had a nap time after lunch every day, but hey I'm still working on it. So, I've decided not to be depressed anymore. It's hard with this weather, but I'm working on it. Wish me luck....

oooooo, revelation. Nick's paper about depression and sexuality or whatever it was. I could just be depressed because I haven't gotten laid since September, however that's my own fault because I'm the one that said no to John, Mat, and Doug. I just can't sleep with one of my good guy friends. It'd make everything weird.

I prefer to think that all of this is linked to my inactive social life, though!

Sizara (thanks Nickity)

Monday, April 04, 2005

The death of a great man.....God Bless JPII

You know what's weird? I feel the Pope's passing as a personal loss. He has been a great man, someone that could always be looked up to and epitimized what it was to be Catholic and have unyielding faith in the Lord.

I spent most of Saturday night walking along the Canal. I listened to the soundtracks of World Youth Day-Toronto. I love the memories that it stirred. I could almost feel the "presence" and spirituality that I felt when I was there. But mostly I thought about our last night, when we campted in Downsview Park.

I remember walking 10 miles throughout Toronto with all of our luggage on our backs. Colin, Nay, Andrew, Andy, and the other guys. We were so ahead of the rest of our group. We sat at the top of a hill and waited for everyone to catch up with us. Andrew singing the "Song of Germany" and telling us about the "We, we" French guys in the bathroom. lol. The Italians in front of us. The group from Africa behind us. A line of people/groups walking as far as we could see in either direction. Spoting the stage on the other end of the park. Wow.

Inventing the club. Fed Up Catholic Kids when Chris (Our "leader") couldn't decide where we would camp. The day being so hot and humid that we were sweaty and our clothes were sticking to us. Seeing the rain clouds in the distance. Having no protection from the weather. A couple million people sitting in the middle of a park because the Pope was going to say Mass the next day. Amazing. People from all over the world. We came together. Sang. Played games. And I made friends that came into my life and left in a matter of hours, but will stay with me for the rest of my life.

Cara, Kellie, Nay and I building a tent our of four baricades, a tarp, two plastic picnic blankets, some ponchoes, duck tape (lol), and the yellow material that we were required to wear at all times. I have pictures. The candle lighting ceremony. Playing Egyption Rat Screw and Poker.

The rain. I remember that in the morning Pope John Paul II said something about, " God bless these cleansing rains" and the sky parting to let the sun come out. But that night. I think about all of my sins. Symbolically, the storm and the rain and Nay. I see things that I shouldn't have been doing and people that I shouldn't have been spending time with. I see the morning as a fresh start. Making my life into what it should have been instead of what it was. I see myself holding on to what I had been and wasting my time.

Anyway. The morning was great. The Pope said Mass and blessed all of us. The sun was shing through the clouds down onto the stage. I feel peaceful remembering it.

Insite of the Day:
Why do we hold on to the past? We move on, we grow older, we change. Yet, for some reason we still hold onto realationships with people that we can't relate to and don't generally get along with.

My Case and Point:
One of my best friends from High School is getting married this summer. I am helping the Maid of Honor plan the Bachelorette party and get everything together because, hey we're both in college and don't have a lot of time or resources. We sent out the invitations, thought everything was great. We did exactly what the Bride wanted, a weekend at Cedar Point with her "best" friends. We're all underage, BTW.

I receive a call last night from the MOH because everyone has been calling the Bride telling here that, "They expect us to drive to Ohio and actually spend money" "I don't want to drive" "I don't want to pay money" "This idea sucks". Wonder of all wonders the Bride called her mother in tears after she received 20 of these calls. Not a single person called myself or the MOH. It's not like we were really asking that much. We were paying for everything up front. 25 tickets for Cedar point and 8 hotel rooms. Costing us a SHIT LOAD of money. We were asking them to pay for their own food and $50 for room and hotel. The MOH and I were paying the other HALF of what it cost for them to go. We were carpooling. 2 drivers, me and the MOH. We were borrowing two vans for the trip. WTF. So now we're back to scratch for the party. But I digress. The point of this is are these girls even really her friends anymore? If they aren't then why is she holding on? Is it really worth it to stay connected to people that don't care?

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Fridays...and hating my job.....

So, Friday sucked. I'm hungover, it's allowed.

I was woken up by the wonderfully peppy ring tone on my cell phone this morning at 7:00 a.m. Which after a night of drinking, really was not a good thing. They wanted to know if I could come in and "work" in Mechanical Engineering today. HELL NO! Friday is not only my day off, it is my only day of peace and quiet. I guess I wouldn't have minded, except A: I was hungover and B: the Chair of ME is a sexist jackass. However, my boss likes him and he's a good donor to the School so I must be nice and socialable and completely willing to be his slave laboror for the day if I work over there. I think not. I just wasn't up to it.

Anyway, later in the afternoon I decided I was up for grocery shopping and Claire's. Sparkly things to make my day a little better. That's so superficial of me. (I swear I'm not really this shallow, I just sound like it in here.) Somehow midKroger I was craving BBQ Chicken and Macaroni Salad like there was no tomorrow. So guess what I bought....which I have to admit was not really practical or smart of me. Oh well, can't really change it now, can I?

Claire's was having an amazing sale. 10 items for $5. WOW. $10.60, but ended up saving about $100. It was worth it right? And now I have lots of sparkly jewelry.

Insight of the day: (or maybe it's and explanation for the way that I'm becoming?)

Changing without control or realization

I'm not this superficial. I realize that I sound like I am. I'm kind of in overdrive with STAT and Accounting and papers.....etc. It's the end of the semester I should expect this by now, I know. And with the whole "let's be the person that i used to be (Bitch Clan Blog) it's just kind of happening. I'm going into this mode and I'm excelling in my classes, but in real life I'm not doing so hot. It scares me. Well, maybe it jsut concerns me. Just get me to May. School will be out and I'll be able to focus on other things, like not morphing into a plastic. change.