We fight the fights that need fighting.......

Someone take my bad luck. Please?

SMJ called yesterday and informed me that her wedding would be ruined unless we all had our nails done. She and the rest of the bridal are going this morning in Bloomington. So I should have mine done before I head done there tonight. FUCK YOU. I don't even want to be in your wedding. I quit.......

So, I had my nails done last night. When I came out of the store, amid ashes falling from the sky, there was a cop standing beside my Blueberry Bombshell. He asked if it was my car. Yes. Can he see my lisence? Yes. Was I aware that I am underage and there was a bottle of alcohol on my passenger seat? No, it's a bottle of carmel flavoring from Starbucks, but you're more than welcome to look at it. He took my keys and opened the door himself. Looked at the bottle and shockingly said, "Well, that's a first." And I drove home.

I didn't set my alarm last night. Rolled over at 7 and wondered why my alarm hadn't gone off. I also shocked myself into actually getting out of bed within 60 minutes of waking up (that never happens. it takes at least 73 minutes to decide that I can face the day).... But I made it to work by 7:20. Thank God. It didn't matter, no one was here, but still.........

My car was towed last night. A nice police officer gave me a ride to work. Apparently, even after hours I am not allowed to park in a Campus Housing lot with a North Street Garage pass. I LIVE IN CAMPUS HOUSING. I've explained this. The weird part is it was towed by campus police and not parking services, but whatever. I've talked my way into getting my car back, for free. Really, they had no right to tow it and Joy loves me. She's the secretary at the Police Department.

Adam, darling, you don't want my bad luck......

On the upside, I'm talking to a guy from Austin, TX. He's fun. Goes to Texas Tech. Same last name as me. We both collect Riddles. (lol) We might hang out next time I'm in Houston. Not really sure how I feel about that. Will think about it more later....

JRM pisses me off. He's been a great friend for two years. I love him. (not like that) But he doesn't own me. He thinks he does, but he doesn't. He says that he's protecting me. FROM WHAT? Him? Because in the last two years he should have learned that generally I can handle drunk guys. (It really depends on how drunk I am.) But because I don't drink anymore this really shouldn't be a problem, now should it?

I guess I think that if I can handle RL then I can handle anyone. I dragged someone that out weighs me by 150lbs up three flights of stairs and convienced him (by force) that he was not sleeping with me. And RL is an angry drunk. I handled the combination of JRM, D, C, and S when they were trashed. Even half passed out on the floor of a living room I handled D. Don't tell me that I need you to take care of me!

Honestly I think he's pissed about me being friends with AB. Their Frat brothers, but they aren't exactly friends. I don't know the details. Everything was fine until recently. Why are guys stupid sometimes? (sorry.)

This brings up another point. Why can't guys and girls be friends? I love hanging out with guys. I feel safe. There isn't any of the BS that there is when hanging out with girls. It's simple. But guys don't like being "just a friend". What's the big deal? I value my friends 10 times more than any "guy" in my life. (Maybe that's a problem.) But truthfully, I can't take any relationship seriously right now, nor do I want one. I can go out and have fun and enjoy myself, but there isn't anything there. Why do I always end up having to fight out this same arguement? Everyone is just a friend right now, because I don't want/can't handle anything more. And maybe I'm going to turn around tomorrow and find the guy of my dreams and things will change. I don't know. But it's so frusterating.

I always feel so defeated after having this argument. Does it even matter how I feel or what I want? What I need? I guess these are the reasons why I've been pushing away lately. I've been fighting the same argument with everyone. The same questions echoing in my mind. Why are we just friends? How did this happen? How can I fix this?
So I fight the same fight and argue the same reasons. But the friendship is never the same and I always feel like I've lost something. I hate feeling like this.

It's lunch time, not really, but I'm hungry. Popcorn. I want popcorn. Okay, time for me to sign off. Everyone have a great weekend. I'll be handling Bridezilla SMJ, soon to be SMC....ha. See y'all lata.........

I knew you lied
For I could tell by your eyes.
I’ve seen it too many times,
In mirrors and windows.
The confusion, pain and hurt;
Nothing new, but still fresh.

I won’t feel sorry for you.
I expect more than that.
But truly I feel pity or remorse;
Such wasted emotions.
I saw through your lies
Nothing but smoke and shadow.

I let you believe I didn’t see
In vain you believed my lie.
Which of us is worse, in truth
The one who lies or the one that believes?
Insecure in and of it all
How was our trust ever apparent?

Now looking back we wonder
How much of the truth was lies?
Was there ever honesty in all the words?
Could we have ever been?
Will we ever be again?
Is that even what we want?

In complete truth, the future is unforeseen
It’s all mist, fog, and ghosts.
No one will ever know of the anguish
Nor the confusion inside us both.
We will get through all of this,
Either together or apart.

It’s hard to even think now.
Too many what ifs and what mays.
I only wish you the best
In life and in love.
Go with honor and strength,
For now that is all there is.

A whirlwind disaster

Yesterday started with suck promise and potential for goodness. And it failed. Miserably.

My car died. When I arrived at work the drivers window wouldn't go up. When I left work my car was dead. We jumped it and it currently makes a grinding noise when I start it. I think that my battery is dying and that the starter is drawing too much energy from the battery when it tries to start. My daddy agrees. So I have an appointment to get it check out later today. Go me.

I might be homeless for 39 hours. The people in my new apartment have decided not to move out until August 7th and the complex has a policy of a 5 day waiting period between occupants for cleaning and painting, etc. I have to be out of my current apartment by 5:00 p.m. on August 10th. This creates a problem in my life. Steven at Canal Gardens is checking with maintenance to see if they can hurry up the process so we can move in on time. I hope so. If not I'll be in Westfield/Carmel at Matt's for 39 hours. And my parents won't be able to help us move. And Angie's Dad has to fly out on Thursday, so we'll be alone. So in perfect Scarlett O'Hara fashion I'll not think about this now. I'll think about it later. I need to quit reading Gone with the Wind. It's bad for me. But I just love Scarlett. She's a spoiled brat, but she's strong and she copes well.....

My dishwasher melted the glue holding my silverware together. I'm not sure how this happened. Everything's been fine for two years, but yesterday when I got home and attempted to empty my dishwasher......it was weird and gross.

My work computer crashed. The program files are corrupt. I have a replacement POS right now. I think I just have talent with computers......

I'm blaming MM. I have his bad luck. But things have to start going better right? Too much bad stuff and then have to have some good. It's they way the universe works. Here hoping.....

Lata y'all....

Back home in Indiana.......

I loved Texas. I miss Texas. I'd give my left kidney to be back there. And I really do love my sister. Memmers. I swear, little sister syndrome and all that........

It is good to be back in Indiana, though. I took my parents and grandparents to Moggers in T.H. on Saturday. They loved it. We also attended mass at my mom's old church and drove past their old house, school, work....It was nice. I've never felt like Niagra Falls, NY was truely mom's home. She lived there until she was five and then they moved to T.H. until she was ten. I really felt a connection driving around and seeing where my mom grew up. It gave me the actual locations of so many pictures. Places that I've longed to see because their part of my mom. She's so amazing. Mom hadn't been back since they moved 40 years ago, it was weird to watch her remember things and listen to the stories they told.

I feel stronger in my bliefs lately. It's like I feel prepared to defend the principles that I stand for. I like that.

I move soon. I'm really apprehensive. More on that later. I can only think about one stressful event at a time and that one has to wait until after SMJ/GFC wedding on Saturday.

I've realized that I don't think that XYZ is the person I initially thought he was. This isn't good or bad. Just different. Haven't really thought about that in depth. Maybe I'm just seeing the shell and not looking for anything deeper anymore, but I don't know. He seems more closed, more standoffish, I guess. I think that I was looking for something that I wanted to find and not looking for what was really there. You'd be surprised how often I do that. I could be wrong. It could actually be there, but somehow I doubt that if it is there I'll be allowed to see it. It's hard to work past the defense mechanisms of others without letting your own sheilds down. We'll see.

Texas gave me perspective. In a lot of areas of my life. I like that.

Interesting quote:

"Why alone?"
"Alone is good. Alone is safe. Alone assures that you won't ever be hurt again."

I'd like to point out the word AGAIN. And how this is obviously by a person that has been hurt deeply and never wants to feel that way again.

Watched Kinsey last night. Interesting. It made me think about the concept of normality a lot. And how you can be too devoted to your work. I recommend it. I own it. Let me know if you want to borrow it. Not a must see, but if you're in a thinking mood........ Also, it's very liberal with it's use of sex as a topic.

I think that's all. I have to go shopping for work tonight. Go me.

Tuition sucks. 19 credit hours suck. I'm going to become a stripper. Make more money that way. Then again........maybe not.

I'm impatient with people.

I need to buy a desk and a bed and new speaker wire.

I think I'm working at the Brickyard 400. And GenCon...maybe. Depends on when classes start. But it'd be really fun. I like the guys that I worked the Star Wars Convention with from GenCon....I just dunno. We'll think about it. But it's free admission into it for the weekend.....Yikes. I could get into a lot of trouble.

My brain is on overload. My hair is long. I'm chopping it all off soon. It'll be really short. Or I could just do layers. I'm taking opinions on this. Okay time to go. I must work.....

Days Spent in Houston......

So we got to Houston on Monday around 3ish.... Somehow we managed to get everything moved in here and unpacked. Then we went to Chilli's for dinner. Stocked the refrigerator on the way home and headed to the pool. Dad and I have been having dunking wars for the past three days. We're all being a bunch of kids.

Yesterday we spent the morning at IKEA. God, I'm in love. I could literally spend a week in that store and be happy. It's huge. I'm definitly hitting up the one in Chicago soon. Apparently Indy is supposed to be getting one in the new addition by the airport, but who really knows about that kind of stuff.... We grilled last night. That was really nice.

Today was really laid back. Amy had to get her car insurance, title, and lisence stuff all transferred to Texas. Oh and the car inspection....we need to do that in Indiana....good for the environment and all that.....

We are currently attempting to plan tomorrows fun filled activities. I'm being sarcastic..... my grandparents are ruining this trip for me. They critisize how I live at every turn. Even using the dishwasher gets me into a lecture. I love them, don't get me wrong, but I've definitly had enough close time with them. My Daddy feels the same way. At least we can bond over our misery.

Dad and I had such a great plan for tomorrow. We were going to go to Kemah Boardwalk in Clearlake, TX. It's right on the Gulf. Lots of water and beach....but grandma wants to go to quilt stores. Fuck her. I want to lay on the beach and soak up the rays with my sister. This is the last time I'm going to get to see her until November. It's so hard to leave her here. 1173 miles from my apartment. Mom, Ames, Dad, and I aren't handling this too well. Gma and Gpa are going to die soon. We voted. I won.

The drive home is going to kill me. It's good that I have my Rio Carbon with me. Lots of Linkin Park, Seether, Rob Zombi, Metallica, and other good anger music on it.

My grandfather should not have a lisence. He can't drive. And he has a van. It's scary. I literally can't sit up with him driving. I lay down and put on my headphone and close my eyes. I pray a lot that we'll make it to our destination. So far it's worked.

I'm currently being told that I've been on the internet for 30 minutes and that's way too long. I should come and sit in the living room and star mindlessly at the television like everyone else. God forgive me for wanting to be different or express myself in any way, shape, or form.......(the lecture was from grandma mary constance petts)

Fuck you.
Th

I'm in Texarkana, AK

I'm literally in two places at once right now. Texas and Arkansas....I like it. I rode all day with Dad in the Penske BIG YELLOW moving truck.....It's been fun....

Mom isn't handling this too well. Amy isn't either. I wish I could help them through it......It's rough.

Greetings from Effingham, IL...

Yes, it's pernounced F***ing Ham. LOL. I love the name.

Our grand adventure started today....Mission Move Amy to Texas has begun....This is harder than I thought it'd be....My grandparents aren't helping matters....and my lil bro SDR decided not to come. I really needed him for some sanity this week. I guess it's all going alright. I'll try to update while I'm on the rode going down.... I'll need to update on the way back, I can sense this...but it won't be available to me then....I guess it works....

I spent the day in the car with ACR....we actually didn't fight. I think we have a truce to make it through this week without fighting. I'm going to miss her so much.....I do actually love her....

Okay it's time to go run...after a day in the car I need to do something physical....

Bite me.........

My Blog is being Fucking Retarded. I give up. I'm going to Texas on Saturday. See y'all in a week. Have fun without me. Hopefully my last two posts show up before I get back.

Need items to keep in my minibar. Will take suggestions.....

Jammin to Lovedrug while I clean out my desk. Do things ever get messy to the point where you freak out? Maybe it's just me.

Lata all!

And we did it all by hand.......ouch........

My music line up for today is really....nice. Copeland, Jimmy Eat World, Spitalfield, Mae, Straylight Run, Onelinedrawing, Juliana Theory, Lovedrug. (Props to GFC for hooking me up this weekend!) It's definitely going to be a good day.

I spent the weekend with SMJ and GFC in Bloomington. They're great, they really are. I think they've both grown up since the became engaged. I'm really glad that they have. Don't get me wrong, they still have their "problems" but I'm glad that they've learned to adapt to each others' living styles. We'll see how things turn out after the wedding...

Friday night was really disturbing for me. SMJ and I were laying on the floor discussing our past "relationships". I guess I'm just not seeing things with rose tinted glasses anymore. We reached the conclusion that AL was the worst thing to have ever happened to me.

YOu know how all of your relationships pattern, to an extent, off of your first relationship.....well it kinda sucks like that. How could I have been THAT stupid? I guess I just see him for the pedophile that he was. Why didn't I see it at the time. From the six months that I spent under his...influence?...I see why I've continually ruined relationships for the last five years. I wonder if I could ever change....

On to happier thoughts.........

I almost bought a guitar and a puppy this weekend. The puppy was, by far, more expensive. Why is that? But she was sooooooo cute.... and she had breeding rights. Not that I would breed her, but still....American Eskimo puppies....Awwwwww....

SJM and I made a slip cover, by hand, for her and GFCs couch....It's gorgeous...Cream and Blue....It makes the apartment more....homey? cozy?...something like that....

JRW called me on my way back from B-town. When the opening lines of a conversation are "OMG, Guess what...I'm engaged!.......Tell me about the guys in your life..." I freak out. BS and I are the only two of my group of 7 from high school that aren't engaged/married. CNM/JM got married last summer. SMJ/GFC are getting married on the 30th. SP/what's his name are getting married Aug. 20. JP/JO got engaged in April. JW/MP just got engaged. And they all follow up the news with "....so when are you getting engaged?" Never? I'm too young. They don't understand it. 26. I'll start considering the possibility when I'm 26. If I can't take care of myself and be alright alone, I'm never going to be alright with someone....I guess that's just how I view things....am I wrong?

*************************************************************************************

I really hate not using peoples true names. This initial thing is horrible and confusing. No one ever really knows who you're talking about. But I guess I'm even worse. I have ABC and XYZ. Maybe I should just start using names again....I dunno.

*************************************************************************************

Fuck it. PJJ, my boss, was supposed to be in PA for three days. She was afraid to get on the airplane and decided to stay. Okay. Well I'm not going to get anything done before I leave for Texas. This sucks. Now I wish I had bought a Zao CD this weekend. I could use someone screaming at me to block out the sound of her voice...

Later gater,

The dreams we dream.......

You only see what I want you to see
You've never known more than that
I've wanted to relax, but I could never just be
I've spent too long driven by hate and fear
I need you to know, it isn't you
It's the pain that pushes when you're near
My constant companion and cloke
But more, the stone wall
With it's hazardous mote

Forgive me for the pain I've caused
You don't deserve any of these scars
You've given me all of your mind and spirit
But in truth, I'm not ready for your heart
First I must release all of this pain
Hopefully I'll find my rest
I hope that when I'm released you'll be waiting
I understand if you cannot
I know your heart can only take so much

Know that my heart goes with you
Even if I can't give you it's love
My mind and spirit will always remember
For you are the love I've lost
This is my fault, not yours
I've ruined what we could have had
But if you want to stay
I'll do my best to share with you
Everything I have left to give

****************************************************

It came to me in a dream of XYZ. Slowly but surely......maybe someday I'll be ready to try again..........

Lights Out.........Curtain Call

When you walk into work and there are no lights, what do you think? Day off right? Not so much........I got to sit at my desk and crochet for two hours. In the dark. Not my best work, but okay.

My apartment makes me sick. It's such a mess. I locked myself in my bedroom so I wouldn't have to look at it last night. My anal retentive neat freak side is spazing out, but I just don't have the energy to attack the mess, yet. So it keeps getting worse. It's my plan to clean this weekend. I want to have as much of the big stuff done as possible so that I don't have very much to do when I get back from Houston!

Do you know what's really depressing? I legally cannot make enough money to pay my bills. The government regulates that I can only work 40 hours a week, it's a University thing.... I can't do it.

****************************************************************************

So........today's been one of those days when I knew I wasn't going to leave work after 8 hours, but still........it's 4:30....I should've been gone 90 minutes ago....hmmm.....Oh well, more hours I guess....I need to go home and clean....

Fun Days

I hung out with an old friend last night,ABC. It's weird how much we've both changed, and yet remained the same...We really should make more of an effort to keep in touch....

This weekend is going to be a relaxed chaos. I have to *seriously clean* my apartment. I got rid of the cats last night, so now I can focus on getting everything ready to move. August 10th is just going to be hectic. We have 8 hours to get into our new apartment, clean it, move everything, and clean our old apartments (yes that last apartments was plural). I'm glad that mom is coming down to help me. I don't know what we'd do without her. She can bring my bed and "other stuff" and possibly a futon down with her, so I won't have to store that stuff. I need to buy a bed. I trying to decide what size to buy...I'm really thinking KING. I have a full right now and going back to a twin would be really hard, and if I'm upgrading I might as well go all the way, right?

I have training for my second job tonight. Why am I doing this to myself? I don't have the time or the energy for two jobs right now. It'll be easier during school, but still.....ugggghhh.....I'm not very happy with my schedule for the fall. I only have 17 credit hours. I need one more. I'm thinking about a fun class. Scuba diving or advanced swing dance or something of the like.... I'm really taking an easy load. Micro Economics, ASL, Human Geography, Economics of Tourism, and Sports Management. Honestly, I'm going to need something to challenge me. But it might be nice having an easy semester, but I do want to graduate soon.... I wonder if I even have to take Micro Economics....I took the AP in High School...we'll see about that...I love AP classes.......well Calc was my favorite, but that's because everything involved a computer game or Mr. Gilli. That was great. we were taught to write programs to do everything instead of learning how to do them...I'm good as long as I have a graphing calculator and Mr. Gilli (the program). I hate IU for not allowing graphing calculators. (shakes fist in air)........

I love rereading my stream of conscious........thought patterns are entertaining...don't you think? or do you not think? hmm........

I have to finish my dream girl application, don't I? I know it's on this damn computer somewhere........Now I just need to find it....oh, hell.....i'm starting a new one....i promise it'll get ther someday.....

25 more minutes of work.....that's nice....we'll and then there's the other job, but still....and i have to check on the cats.....dear Lord above.......shoot me now....but it's almost Friday!

Okay, time to call it a day-ish.....night cats and kittens!

What kind of kisser are you....?

Part Shy Kisser

You *do* love to kiss, once your comfortable with it And that means knowing the person you're kissing pretty well You usually don't make the first move when it comes to making out But you've got plenty of intensity in return

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

My Tour O'Indiana is now complete.....

This weekend was great...

The cities visited included, but was not limited too..
Indianapolis, IN
Columnbus, IN
Noblesville, IN
Marion, IN
Albion, IN
Churubusco, IN
Columbia City, IN
Warsaw, IN
Roanoke, IN
Fort Wayne, IN
Terre Haute, IN
Rushville, IN
Shelbyville, IN

It was fun....lots of driving though....

I miss being home. I looked at all of my scrapbooks and even brought some pictures back with me for my desk...I shouldn't miss high school this much...I think I just miss the way that it was. The simplistic reality...

I realize how much I miss the guys at Saint Francis...it's hard to believe they're all graduating/have graduated....I really miss PD and AW....AW always made me think, until my head hurt, about everything from religion to cartoons. I fell in love with "good" music there too....CKY!!! lol....but more of the Denison Witmer, Copeland, etc.... I really miss PD. He always sang to us, and drew pictures, and made up songs on his guitar, he was such a mystery to me...always that barely visible softer side....I see that in people now....I loved the side of him that came out while we were alone....it wasn't what he said, we rarely talked, but it was just sitting there. The way that he'd hold me...how he always smelt my hair.....I miss that........we had so much fun/got into so much trouble....we were both always ready to do anything......I still cant' believe that we got aways with kidnapping them......handcuffs, blindfolds, all of it.....I'm looking at the picture right now...

I see that softer side in someone. We'll call him XYZ. In his eyes. The front that he puts up. Those few unguarded moments when you see something real....the emotion behind it all....is it obvious that I like him? It's weird....I feel like the second I saw him something registared inside me....a kindred spirit perhaps...I just wish there were a time or place to say something...

.....and I have just conducted a search for PD...has it really been two years?..... damn it if he just wasn't fun to hang out with......

Seeing TSAH was fun, funny, interesting.....I dunno....I felt really nervious being there...That and I was really grouchy that night....I think it was too much time in the car...I'm sorry all....I wanted to kill T at IHOP....playing in the sprinklers was soooo much fun...I actually got to play with fireworks! That's a first...I had sparklers!!! They made me happy. Driving back to Indy was a big mistake...God, I was so tired, but I made it. It was weird being sober in a room of drunk people, but entertaining.

I miss JRM. Between him and XYZ there lies the perfect guy. They both epitimize what I'm looking for. JRM sees this side of me that others don't. He gets my need for physical space and my homegrown country roots....he snores...he's a frat boy...he's nuts...he drives a truck...

I'm utterly confused.....I see the possibility and probability of loving both JRM and XYZ...and it's confounding....
***********************************************************************************
Day 46 of 60. I'm almost done. Knowing that and getting to day 60 are two completely different things. I know that people aren't supposed to self medicate, but forcing myself to do a 60 day detox isn't really self medicating, is it? I do have to say that today is one of the harder days.

For so long I was on the downward spiral and now, trying to climb back up it all is hard. And I don't know if I can do it. Actually I know that I can do this. From experience. Why are drugs so tempting to me? I'm lethargic. Maybe that's why I like drugs? The day's almost over. I'll be good soon. 13 days left.
***********************************************************************************

For you XYZ,

I hate it when you look at me
The gleam in your eyes,
it says that you see it all.
That you see through my facade,
know that it's not the real me.
But in those moments,
I see through your mask too.

I see your pain and despair.
I wish that I could take it away,
although I'm not the cause.
You're hopelessness intrigues me.
I want you to see,
all love is not lost.

I want to give you faith and peace of mind.
Heal your pain with patience.
But in spite of it all,
you truely terrify me.
And that is why I am silent.

the days we remember..........

Everyone says that college is the best time of your life....the time that you will remeber for the rest of your life. People spend years looking back and wishing they were still here.....why?.....it's fun, i love it.....but why would you want to spend the rest of your life doing something this hard?......this is the time when you decide the rest of your life.....when you figure out who you are....not knowing who you are from one day to the next....making friends that you know will end up living on the other side of the country......you set yourself up for hurt.....but by trying to protect yourself from the hurt, you do more harm than good.....it's hard to balance the equation.....but it'll all equal out in the end, won't it?

I'm still in a really good mood....go to bed happy....wake up happy.....have a happy day....sister sara sunshine........was i this annoyingly happy in high school? .... don't answer that.....i don't want to know........

I have dinner tonight with one of my my scholarship donors.....I miss the NCCF...... I had some good times with them.....

This weekend is looking exceptionally full........of driving.......I don't know.....the hermit idea does have merit....there's so much I want to do, but it's all 3 hours away from everything else....we'll see....

I started re-re-re-re-re-re-rereading Gone with the Wind last night. Margaret Mitchell is an amazing writer....I like Scarlett, but the author didn't do as good of a job.....I know that they spent years trying to find someone with the same writing style as MM, but it still didn't seem right....the second author had a flair for the fantastic that MM didn't use......still, good books.....

I max out on hours at 2:45 today.....that's so nice......until then coke with lime is doing it's best to keep me from going bonkers.......do you remember that show? it was a cartoon.....a cop that was a cat.......that's crazy..........crazy? i was crazy once, they locked me in a padded room until i died and when i died they burried me with bugs. bugs? bugs make me crazy. crazy? i was crazy once........it just keeps going on and on.....gotta love steph.......

I think Breaking Benjamin is scaring the children.....wow....time for the MEAP lunch....good times....I'll hopefully see you all this weekend, if not then have a great 4th of July!!!