The Redundant Ramblings of an Insane Mind

Okay, so I'm nuts. I think that everyone should know that up front. But I enjoy my insanity. I feel sorry for people that suffer from theirs. I'm an Irish Catholic Redhead. Picture that! hehehe. Anything else you want to know just ask!

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Chautauqua....decisions to be made.......

The big Chautauqua interview was this morning. That was four hours of nerves that I didn't need. I was a wreck going into it. Couldn't sleep last night. I had it together on the outside, but I was falling apart inside. Nails done, freshly drycleaned tan suite, chocolate ballet heels, straight hair, subtle make up, conservative jewelry. Cool, calm and collected, I think.

History: They called last week requesting and interview. They were supposed to send me a work history packet to have filled out when I got there this morning. It never arrived.

Anyway, so I got there 45 minutes early so that I would be able to fill out the history forms. All 8 pages. The group interview went well. I was the youngest person in the room of 10 by at least 7 years. Honors Theatre paid off because I was able to memorize a one page boarding announcement in 20 minutes. (Thank you, God) That lasted 3 hours. Then my 1 on 1. It was really good. Carina loves me, loves my resume', loves my cover letter and writing style. Very reassuring. We spoke about the job, what it would entail, hours worked, how long it would take me to be able to bid a line and hold it, probability of having INDY as my base. Realistically, I can't do the job and finish School. I'm three semesters and camp away from walking out with two degrees and my ASL certification. If I quit now, I won't finish. I know that about myself. Carina and I talked about it. She's putting my application, work history, and resume'/cover letter in her files and wants me to call her when I graduate. I'll have her first appointment.

It's reassuring that I know I'll have a job, provided that I make it through the training, when I get done. But....I'm not ready to be out in the "Real World" yet. I can't be that old. It's terrifying. I envy Van Wilder. I know that when the time comes for me to graduate and enter get out there, I'll be up to it and ready, but right now, I don't want to think about it. I can't. Don't focus too much on the future, you'll miss the present.

I'm messed up. It's 300 degrees outside with 1200% humidity and I'm drinking hot chocolate and eating ice chips. I need mental help. (The fax machine is spewing papper all over the place, rapidfire. lol. This is going to be fun.

Later that day....

So the fax thing was fun. It seems a fax spammer found our number and decided to abuse it. Just because we have 30 working in the office doesn't mean we each need a copy of ever fax known to man. Entertaining to say the least. Later!

Friday, May 27, 2005


(Adam, you're going to know exactly what I'm talking about.)

This ain't no temporary, typical, tearful good-bye, uh uh uh
This ain't no breakin' up and wakin' up and makin' up one more time, uh uh uh
This is gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone
Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things that ain't never coming back
She's gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone, she's gone

Have you ever just known that something was going to happen, and yet been completely unable to stop it. I know what's going to happen right down to the words spoken if I do this. It's not going to be good. It's not going to be pretty. And shit is going to hit the fan. Things will be said. And lines, better not crossed, will be crossed. And I'm going to laugh my ass off when it's over. But right now, thinking about it, it isn't a good idea. I won't even get to use the whole, "seemed like a good idea at the time" excuse, because I know it isn't a good idea. I wonder if the other party involved has even thought about it. But then again I did win in the divorce. (Go Me!)

This ain't no give it time, I'm hurtin' but maybe we can work it out, uh uh uh
Won't be no champagne, red rose, romance, second chance, uh uh uh
This is gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone
Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things that ain't never coming back
She's gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone
She's gone
She's gone (gone) gone (gone) gone (gone) gone, she's gone
Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things that ain't never coming back
She's gone (gone) she's gone (gone) she's gone (gone) she's gone
She's gone

Fuck this. I'm going to do it. For better or for worse. You'd better be ready to ref. this. Do you think we could set up a mud pit or jello pool or something? It could get interesting.

Gone like a freight-train, gone like yesterday
Gone like a soldier in the civil war, bang bang
Gone like a '59 Cadillac
Like all the good things
Well, she's gone
Long gone, done me wrong
Never comin' back, my baby's gone
Lonely at home, sittin' all alone
She's packed her bags and now she's gone
Never comin' back, she's gone
No no never, no no never, no never comin' back

I feel better having made this decision. We all knew that this is what I was going to do. (For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, ask Rabbi or call me.) Love you guys! SIDENOTE: I just finished watching All Your Base, All Your Smurf, and The End of the World. lmao I love them more each time I see them!

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Seeing Red...

I'm seein red
Don't think you'll have to see my face again
don't have much time for sympathy
Cuz it never happened to me
You feelin blue now
I think you bit off more than you could chew
And now it's time to make a choice
And all I wanna hear is your...

I'm kind of emotionally drained today. I feel like I don't have the capacity to sustain emotions. It's actually kind of scary. I've always felt that I don't have the capcity to feel true love or true hate. I guess that it's all fueled by my inability to sustain any emotion for a substantial period of time. It's true. Trust me. When was the last time that you've seen me have one emotion for a period of longer than 2 hours? I bounce all over the place. I can't even stay mad about something, I just stop caring...

So follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe thats when you will know
Follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When theres no place left to go
Maybe thats when you will know

...maybe it's just that the majority of my emotional space is centered on anticipation. I'm saving up energy to handle it all later? There's the bachelorette party the 24/25 of June. Which, hopefully, should go well. Personally, I don't think that any of the girls are going to drive 3 hours and spend about $100 on Sherie, but I guess I'm in the minority. It's a lot to ask of them. They're not that good of friends...

And foolish lies well can't you see
I tried to compromise
Cuz what you say ain't always true
And I can see the tears in your eyes
And what you said now
Can't stop the words from running through my head
And what I do to get through to you
But you'd only do it again

...I think back to Middle School and High School. I remember Cheerleading and dances and jobs, but what did we really have in common? Were we even friends? or just people placed together for a series of events that adapted to each others' presence? God, how sad is that? We've proven repeatedly that we aren't truely friends, we just keep hanging on. It's pathetic. I hated people like this in High School. They held on to who and what they were and never grew up. I think that none of us want to admit that we weren't ever really friends. You wouldn't treat people that are/were your best friends like this. Would you?...

So follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe that's when you will know
Follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe that's when you will know

...But I'm just as bad aren't I? I guess we really were the bitch clan weren't we?...

Well I confess, I don't know what to make from all this mess
Don't have much time for sympathy
But it never happened to me
You Feelin down I don't know where i'll be when you come around
And now it's time to make a choice,
And all I wanna hear is your voice...

...I'm horid. And repetitively redundant. (lol. 10 pts if you caught that) But, hell, I like me. My personalities and I get along just fine as long as we all keep to the time share rules of the body.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Defense Mechanisms?

Thank you for triggering this post. I don't know what it was about your latest one that did it, but thank you. These are things that I'm just unable to verbalize. You've given me words.

It's always extremely hard to know what to write or talk about. Do those brief entries that seem so meaningful to me actually say anything to anyone else? How do you reponse when you read or think something that completely verbalizes everything you've been feeling for so long? Or at least it gives you a direction to go towards verbalizing it. It's an instant clarification about things that have been confusing for so long. Wonderful and frieghtening all at the same time. And yet, something that I really want to develop. I realize that this post most likely won't accomplish what I hope for it to accomplish, but I just need to get this going....

Last year I spent the first semester conflicted. Where was home? My heart and soul were in Albion, but I was living in Indy. I didn't know where I belonged. Or really who I was...I was, and still am, two different people inhabiting one body. There's the girl that drank her way through her first year of college, got busted for underage drinking, and defined weekends by a guys' name. But then there's the person that I am when I'm honest with myself. When I'm walking though the woods or at Crooked Lake or simply talking to my parents. I still project the drug-free, National Honor Society, Honors Theatre, Student Government, Varsity Guys Soccer, Dancer to the world when I'm in Albion. They all think that I've just matured and not betrayed everything that I used to believe in. I want to shout at them that I'm not the person they all think I am and that they should stop respecting me for the mask that I wear. Stop holding me up to others.

They make me feel guilty about not being the person they expected me to be. But that isn't who I am anymore. I'm a combination of the two people. I enjoy both worlds and appreciate them for what they are, but don't keep me in the mold that you think I belong in. I'm me. And home is both Albion and Indy. Moreso Albion, but I'm working to make Indy home. I'm trying. But how can home be a place where I'm surrounded by people that don't care enough to know about me. Not the person that I project, but about the things that actually matter to me. It's like there is an entirely different person and no one even knows that she exists.

She's the part of me that's been hurt too many times and can't trust people with the dark stuff, the real stuff. Half of my life is a lie. I wonder how many people actually know that. It's not bending facts. It's outright lying. This front that everyone meets. Yea, parts of me actually come through and there are glimces of hope that I can trust people, but I don't. There's a line. Actually it's more like a castle wall, on a cliff that is in the middle of an ocean. People chip at the wall and try to storm the castle, but they can't. I've almost forgotten that there is still so much of me inside. I don't want to be hurt so she doesn't exist.

I'm not just keep people out, I'm keeping me in. But I'm so tired of hiding. I want to be free again. I want to be happy like that again. It's just that I trust the wrong people. People who end up not caring about me or what I need, but only about them. I don't want that kind of friendship anymore.

I occures to me that most of my friends haven't met my parents or siblings and haven't even been invited to go home with me. It's just me keeping myself safe again. Defense Mechanisms 101: an organism will protect itself from harmful stimulus in order to ensure survival. It's basic instinct. Nature vs. Nurture. Will an organism continue to emplyee evolved defenses if it is placed in a safe environment? Given time the organism should "relax" and it's defenses will become weakened or less reactive, but when provoked by the origonal harmful stimulus will it readapt the defenses? will it ever let them down again?

God, I hope so. I can't live inside these walls forever...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


(Mockingbird - Eminem) I went apartment shopping with Colleen last night down on Raymond Street. We actually found a really nice 1 bdrm that she can move into this weekend. Go us! That was the goal since the landlord at the place she's been looking has be real shadey. Cross your fingers for her. We're going as an office today to check it out. And we might have a mass moving/texas hold'em party this weekend. Colleen and I are teaching PJ and Katy to play. And we'll all be drunk.
It's weird. Now that I'm not allowed to quit things have gotten a lot better. I'm enjoying my job again. The Biannual report is in it's begining stages. (It was my first project two years ago.) There are so many events this summer.....I don't know. I think that things are going to come out for the best. (Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan)
Colleen, PJ, and I went to T.J.Max last night. That was so friggin' funny. And I now actually own sunglasses. I haven't been able to live it down since I drunkenly smashed my last pair. Oh, but now I own THREE pairs. It was $20 for all three. lol. Now I can be coordinated. (Gasp.) My boss is soooo proud. But I guess it makes since: appearances are everything in this job. Next week we're going shoe shopping. I DO NOT need any more shoes. could be fun. (Holiday - Green Day) What I really "need" is a dress for Sherie's rehersal dinner. Blah. I have until July. Anyone wanna crash a wedding? lol.
Tonight is dinner with Amy and more bachelorette party stuff. We're both praying that they go off without carp, but while she cares about Adria's, I don't give a carp about Sherie's.
Hmmm.....I working on the "Year in Reveiw" for the Biannual Report. Good times. It involves reading a bunch of reports and P.R. blurbs, but it could be worse. (In the End - Linkin Park)
Well kidos, I think this about does it. Hope y'all have a great day/week/month or whatever until I see you!

Monday, May 23, 2005

This shit is bananas B-A-N-A-N-A-S bananas

I found this today and it's surprisingly acurate. Take a look!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

Bitchin'...yea pretty much

So my birthday weekend was full of ups and downs. I'm basically going to be complaining through most of this, but if you want to hear it okay. If not skip down for a while or just skip this one.

(Woman to Woman - Wynona Judd)

I left work around 2:30 so I could go turn in my co-signer form for the new apartment. I called Angie to make sure that she had sent in hers. She didn't even take it to Texas with her. That's a bunch of carp. (Yes, I said carp.) So I picked one up to send her. Hopefully she gets it back to me soon. (cross your fingers!) I then found out that mom hadn't signed the back page of my application. Thankfully I was headed home this weekend. ARRRGGGG...... Hopefully we'll get this all fixed soon.

(The Zephyer Song - Red Hot Chilli Peppers)

The ride home was eventful, as usual. Mom was running a little behind on dinner so she asked if we could stop and pick up my bridesmaid dress for Sherie's wedding in Ft. Wayne and I needed to have my purity rign resized in 'Busco and Amy wanted to stop and look at Bachelorette party stuff in Ft. Wayne. So we did all of this. Then on the way home Amy's friends call and want her to go out to dinner and then to Piere's downtown. (I love this bar - Toby Keith) And "I'm not important in her life so it doesn't matter if she's there for my birthday dinner or not." Oh, and "Steven isn't going to be there anyway. He got called into work and it playing W.O.W. at Adam's." Well shit. Mom threatened to ground Amy if she didn't stay home. And Steven only had plans with his friends/work until 6. Fuck you Amy. But anyway. Ames and I drank 6 bottles of Asti. That was funny. Mom wanted to ground us both. Then Steven grabbed some Bud Light and joined in. We were like, "Mom, you've raised a bunch of alcoholics. Just let it go." lol. Then we rented movies and everything turned out okay. But for a while there things were tense. (Broken - Seether)

Saturday Kellie and I spent most of the day planning Sheries Bachelorette party. I think it's going to be cool. She wants to come to Indy and go to Crackers. Which works because we're all under age. (Girlfight - Brooke Valentine) It's going to be a Luau, which is overdone but I still think we can make it awesome. And we have coconut cups. We're staying in a hotel. Dinner downtown. Who knows? But Kellie and I definitely decided that our parties will involve stripers or Thunder from Downunder or something like that. I can picture my "good" friends doing that. LMAO.
Dinner with Gma and Gpa Petts was...entertaining? They're funny. And very "old school". I can actually be a lady when I need to be. Visited Cara and Dawson. Can't believe that my Godbaby is almost 2. Yikes. We played hide and seek. It was great.

(Sooner or Later - Breaking Benjamin) Sunday was spent lounging around and packing up for the drive back, which turned out to be considerably better than the drive North. Thank God. Got back later than I wanted to, but I guess that that's okay. Had pizza at Amy's. I guess she's going to be living with me for a few days in a couple weeks. That's going to be scary. We'll get through it. I lived with her for a month in August/September. I guess that's all.... I feel like I'm missing something. I'll remember it later and update again. Everyone have a great afternoon!

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Good old music on the eve of my golden birthday

Yesterday, she walkmed out of my life
She said it was the best for both of us
the other day, I was doin' fine
But yesterday was the last day of my life

Hmmmm........... Today has been a good day, I'm running on no sleep, but it's been good nonetheless. I spent last night sorting/cleaning my apartment.

That's the girl I've been telling you about
Ain't she everything I said and a whole lot more
She got it going on and iI never want to be without her
That's the girl I've been telling you about
She's been spinning in my head like a revolving door
Her smile is like the sun and my whole world revolves around her

I found my purity ring. I was kind of surprised that I wasn't struck by lightening when I put it on. I guess that, that is good. I mean, God doesn't hate me entirely. I know that God doesn't hate anyone and that he's here to love us, but sometimes I wonder if I've gone too far. If I've crossed the line that can be forgiven?

She likes me for me
Not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford
Oozing out my ears
But what she sees
Are my faults and indecisions
My insecure condition
And the tears upon the pillow that I shed

Outside is so pretty right now. The birds are chirping. The river is actually pretty smooth. There isn't any traffic on Porto Alegre and almost nothing on New York. It's hazy outside. The sky is a shade of gray and gold. The air smells clean. Ahhh....

Are you searching for words that you can't find
Trying to hide your emotions but eyes don't lie
Guess there's no easy way to say goodbye

I called everyone in my phonebook today. I've been in such a happy/uplifting mood. Peaceful even. It's strange to have this feeling in a city. It's probably the weather. Rain does this to me too. I sat in my bay window for most of the night. Just watching the storm. Windows open and all. Cleansing rain maybe?

Do I have to shout, Do I have to wave a gun
Hide my head from the sun screamin' someone, anyone
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Tell my why why if you bleed, I'm the one that's gotta bleed
Get my fiendin' for the need to say hey look at me
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey

I don't get to quit my job. The guy in charge of internships in my department said that mine won't count becasue my stupid boss forgot to sign a paper. If I want any of the last two years of my life to count then I have to redo half of my internship and document it thouroughly. Fuck it. I could just start over somewhere else. I don't know. I've stayed at this job because it was my internship. I cna't give up on that now. I'll figure it all out later.

But if she coudln't sleep maybe we could make up
but i just can't seem to wake her up this time
oh, no if she couldn't sleep
i know she'd tell herself maybe she might need
a little time to stop her heart from bleeding so
like me, i wish she couldn't sleep

We celebrated my birthday today at work and with the kids. lol. It was great. Lot's of junk food and chocolate. I'm making a cake for tomorrow. Eric and I had cigars after Qudobas. Yummmmy. Coconut. I really have to break this habit of smoking cigars. Theyr'e so bad for me.

We live on Shouth Hampton Avenue
We'll leave the welcome light on for you
Now that you thingk you know who we are
How do you like us so far

I'm partially depressed about the lack of comments that have been happening in here. But I dont' blog for others, I blog for me. So it really shouldn't matter, or should it?

What have I got to lose
Cause I can't fall much further down
And look what I've got to win
If you would only hear my heart

I love these songs. One CD. One group. Can anyone guess who it is? They're each from a different song. By one group. On one CD.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Be My Escape.....from myself

I've given up
I'm giving up slowly
I'm blending in so
You won't even know me apart from
This whole world that shares my fate
This one last call that
You mentioned is my one last shot at redemption
Because I know to live you must give your life away
And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and
That might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go,
Promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I really felt this today. It's hard for me to realize that I'm never going to be able to change completley enough that I don't feel threatened by my past. Or that I don't feel anxiety when a name crosses my mind. Classic conditioning at its finest. I've spent six years training myself to fear who I was that the closer I come to parelleling that person the more introverted and withdrawn I am. In essence I'm forcing myself closer to what I fear most: myself.

I'm giving up
I'm doing this alone now
Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how
He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there
And this life sentence that I'm serving
I admit that I'm every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

This weekend is really going to involve a lot of soul searching. I'm going to come back a changed person, again. My mom always helps with that. She knows what's wrong long before I do. But she always waits for me to come to her with the problem. She knows that I need to figure it out for myself before I can ask for help. That and I get to go sit on a grain bin and watch the stars. Or go out in the trees and stare at the sky. Just have space. I always get this morose when I've been away from home too long. I need the clarity that home always gives me.

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house all the while
You hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and
That might be the death of me
And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go,
Promise I'm going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something
I can't shake
I gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

It's terrible isn't it? I'm running away from everything in Indianapolis. But more importantly I'm running aways from what I feel when I'm here. I'm still afraid of being in the city. I want my farm back. The claustrophobic feeling of beign surrounded by buildings and concrete. The parks and canal don't even help anymore. I think that this is why I need my summers. I need to be able to feel relaxed and free once in a while. Escape from my prison.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made
And all I'm asking is for
You to do what You can with me
But I can't ask
You to give what
You already gave

I've screwed things up with Matt. Big surprise there. I'm not ready to have a "guy" in my life. Period. It sucks. He's great. I jsut can't handle it. Well, that's not true. I'm hiding behind hurt, anger, and frustration, but I can't move on until I've resolved everything that's in the here and now.

Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I've been locked inside that house
All the while you hold the key
And I've been dying to get out and
That might be the death of me
And even though,
there's no way in knowing where to go,
Promise I'm going because
I've gotta get outta here
I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I've gotta get outta here
And I'm begging You,
I'm begging You,
I'm begging You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Self Apathy is Bad

What is it asshole day?
If every person I've talked to today hadn't been an asshole my day would have been great. I don't think I should have gotten out of bed today. That's really when it all started. Housing is being an asshat. They're saying that my lease is up June 1. But the contract clearly states that I'm there until August 9. WTF mate? Stupid people call me at 8 to tell me this. Granted that I was up working on my feet positions in pointe, but still... GRRRRRRRRRRRRR. So I've been shoving my "pets" off of icebergs all day. (They're linked in here so check them out!)
Thank the powers that be that I was wearing a cute and very short black skirt today. It allowed me to talk my way out of a parking my boss's car.

Maybe it hasn't been all that bad. A lot of it may just be my attitude. Actually I know that that's what most of it is. I feel like a prisoner. I'm trapped in an apartment that I hate, a job that sucks, and classes. This is my summer. (pouting) I'm looking forward to Texas. Eric and I are going to drive down to see Angie. I miss that girl. I think I've actually figured something out. At some point this weekend, with drunken wisdom, I said that I don't like my friends because they're stupid and immature. That's so true. I feel like a mother to the majority of the people around me. That was one of the things that I hated so much about past friendships. (AKA HS and Frosh. year) Thank God for Kimmer, Colleen, Anna, and the other stable people in my life. My rocks. The people that I can always go to when I need to be sane or escape.

SIDENOTE: My Launch is actually being awesome today. Lots of Simple Plan, Linkin Park, Relient K and Green Day. For once they're actually playing my mood.

I'm kind of in the middle of a "thing" right now. I hate drama. So why go somewhere where I would obviously be 1/2 of the cause of a crap load of drama? And maybe things wouldn't be "drama" and everything would be fine, but I know the other individual involved. I also know myself. The shit would hit the fan. I'm not the same person anymore, but most of all I don't want anything to do with this individual. I realize that she's trying to make things work. I do. But you can't fix something when you refuse to admit that you are part of the problem. I know that I'm being cold and heartless. It's not that. I'm protecting myself at all costs. I can't go back to being that person again. I didn't care about.....anything? I look at who I was freshman year and want to smack myself. I remember weekends by a guys name. I hate myself for that. I didn't have respect for me, them, or their girlfriends. I've been in all three parts of that equation. (shakes head) But that's not who I am anymore. I actually have respect for myself and my work.

I can't go back to being that. No, I won't go back to that.

Is this F***ed up or what? I think I'm taking the rest of the day off. Or at least taking a break. Later...................

Sunday, May 15, 2005

If I didn't have a girlfriend.....

Why is that quite possibly the most frusterating line that I have ever heard. Well, there are others, but let's not get into that. Oh, hell let's just do it now. i love "safe" guys. Defined as guys in relationships that I can totally flirt with and not have to worry about anything, but come on. Don't be completely awesome people and then let that out. Because, even if it's only for a second, i feel like i've betrayed someone for for thinking about a relationship iwth someone who is already in a relationship and i realize that a year ago i wouldn't have given a shit but still. Moving on.....

Rose is great. Quite possibly the funnest place that I visit regularly. Shhh....don't tell them that. Which they're going to find out because they read this. Oh well. Hi guys. What's up? Hope your hangovers are going as well as mine. lol.

I slept all day yesterday. Ohmygod was it great. I haven't done that in a long little while. Ahhhhh, sweet sleep. Skinnerfest was cool. Someone had an Ashlee Simpson additction and they played the entire CD. It's not that I don't like her, it's that I like her in small doses. Then this guy started to play. He had a sweet guitar. Ahhhhhh, guys and guitars. Oooooo, we went to Olive Garden. I so kleptoed two glasses. Cute wine glasses for my collection. Mom would be so proud, or maybe not. The play was good. Kudos to all of the cast. Bur really to Stephanie and Katie for being awesome and shhhhhhing me during the performance. I've inherited my mothers laugh.

Cast Party.....should I talk about this? It was great. It was kinda like frosh. year. I mean towards the end. I was a lot drunker than I have been, well since July. (NOTE TO SELF: WTF mate? I really hate how my anger eventually consumes me when I drink. There's always a point when I don't want to be touched or around people that remind me of other people. So I cling to someone safe. I thought that I was over all of this. I know that this is going to take time and that I shouldn't force being okay, but still. I don't like being unhappy. But more, I don't like that Cale still has the ability to effect my life. I just want it all to be done. It's been five monthes. I hate boys. No I don't. I really should thank Cale for all of this in the end. I'm a much stronger and better person for the experience. Bastard. But it was my decision to not tell him until after everything was over. Had things not happened the way they had though I just wouldn't have come back from Winter Break. I would have stayed in Albion and been a typical graduate of CN. Go Cougars. Wow, I'm really apathetic today. And this tangent? So not what I should be blogging about.)

But the party was great. 99 Apples and Carmel syrup. I love alcohol. I love cigars. I almost had an orgasm from a back massage. It was great. Thank you Bob, Gage, and Elliot. I have to go. I have to drive to Indy soon. Thank you everyone for a great weekend.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

The glory of Woodchuck........Amber

Yo. So it's morning. I think. Maybe. I could be mistaken. Ummmmmm........yea. I have NO and I mean NO tolorance to alcohol anymore. And I don't have energy when I drink at all, this part I remember. I'm such a freaking extrovert. Blah....

I met new ppl last night. Kudos to Bob for helping me get my pic to show up in my profile. I'm just a moron, I swear. I could hide behind the fact that I'm a Tourism major, but I don't think that'll work. (NOTE TO SELF: work on cover letter!) I'm blanking on names.......Mercedes: Nick's girlfriend?, I think. Karen, she was funny. Justin: but I don't think I'll recognize him unless he's dumping water all over himself and asking if he "can use this chair". Good going guys. The New Media Fest. was good. The freestyle rappers sucked ass, but whatcha gonna do?

My feet hurt from pointe. I need better toe pads. And I need to practice with an actually barre on a hard wood floor with mirrors so I can spot and critique myself. That ain't gonna happen 'til I move in July. But it'll more likely be August. Sherie's wedding and all that. I still don't know why I'm doing it. Actively supporting something I disaprove of,....fuck her. I don't disagree with her marrying Gabe. I actually like Gabe as a person. I think his goals are a little off, but it's cool. AKA: he wants to be a starving artist for the rest of his life AND have a large family. Someone please explain to me how this works? He doesn't want Sherie to work either. Which won't happen because she is entirely materialistic. God love her.

The boys are back from paintballing. Color me jealous. lol. They need to come up to Noibla and do it at my house, but it's okay. We'll bring that up later. Adam's up. Well physically, not quite mentally. it's cool. See y'all later.

OOOOOOOOOOO, I almost forgot. I had Wookchuck for the first time. It's so good. I love it. New favorite drink. Okay, now I'm done. BYE

Friday, May 13, 2005

Filling you in

It's been a long time since I've been in here, well almost a month anyway. It's not that there haven't been things to say, it's more that I haven't had time to say them. Here are kind of the highlights.

The BUV event when off without a hitch. I actually enjoyed myself. I rode around the facility on an ATV all afternoon playing in the mud. hehehe. Then it was home to clean up and go to the Honors House closing dinner at The Speghetti Factory. Dinner was great. Everyone was there and Masha and Fasha came. Everything was going well. I mean as well as can be expected. Ang didn't want to be there. Mal was going to a party afterwards. Nick and Anita were completely absorbed in themselves, but okay. I had a good time. Ran into Cale on the way out. Had no idea that he worked there. That was quite a shocker. Yikes. Can't really digest that yet.

Finals went well. I ended up with 3 As and 2 Bs. Dean's list again. The parents are happy at least. Ehhh.... I should have done better.

Summer sessions have started already. 10pts for anyone not taking Psych 104. Yucky.

Amy graduated. I guess I'm next. (scary) Shemight be moving to Texas the end of July. I know that it would be a good opportunity for her and everything, but she's my sister and I don't want her to go. Never tell her that I said that. We still have to hate each other until she decides. She is actually officially moving out of Indy this weekend. I'm not there. I'm at R.H. Why you might ask? A: Sharon moved into the APTs today. And I can't wait to move out. B: Amy is moving. C: I needed to get the hell up out of Indy. D: I actually enjoy being here. (I wish Indy were this fun.) But I think it's just because I only visit, if I were here all the time then it wouldn't be so grand. At least that's what I hear. Oh well.

Speaking (....or writing) of R.H. I'm having a blast. MOggers was great. Loved the food. Been playing frizbee for a while. They're teaching my how to do it. I actually think I'm catching on. LOL.

OOOOOOPPPPSSSS....Time to go enjoy the rest of the c ya!