Still cleansing on day 41......(revisited)

I'm scared.....seriously.....I know who I was for the last 7 months. I'd like to hide behind the fact that I didn't really know what I was doing and the I was chemically altered by choice, but was I really? I've been completely absorbed in my anger and hurt.....at everyone. So I did things to forget about that......but I'm not doing that anymore. I'm clean......which makes me a different person....

I'm not sure how people are going to react to me changing like this. The anger is still here, the hurt its constant companion, but it's all out there now.....and the truth shall set you free......

am I really free? or am I know a casualty of my own truth? The reality in which I live isn't really reality at all, but a projection of what I want reality to be.....

she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar

Is being open like this really what I want?.....

It's not that I have things to hide, it's that I'm a victim of my own fear.

I remember when I'd run to you in fields of white flowers

we'll see............

************************************************************************

On a happier note. I'm playing a serious practical joke on someone. I'm doing it with a friend. I hope that this person doesn't get mad. That's really all I can say for now.....I'll let you know how it turns out.......

I need you, like the dragonfly's wings needs the wind

************************************************************************

Today I have realized how much I miss green food. I miss iceberg lettece and romaine lettece and spinage and "red" cabbage. Yummmyyyyyyy salads.....and carrots....I'm in heaven.....I want grapes too..... But not in my salad......This salad is so good purely for the lack of greenery in my diet of late......colorful food is sooooo much more fun to eat......screw eating...I just wanna' look at it. pretty salad.....

Am I nuts? I'm too happy today. PJJ asked if I got laid....negatory.....but I'm glowing like it, anyway.....but she also thinks that I look like a Carmel Housewife....the outfit might influence that but no.....I couldn't do that....Oh yea, obiously my bosses are back (PJJ and KC) They missed me....yea....I missed getting their Diet Cokes for them too.....I'm accomplished a month of work in the last three days, simply because they haven't been here.....is that bad? well....maybe I've been slightly more driven too....put me under pressure and I get so much done....case and point: my interior design and textiles final projects.....at 6 of them freshman year fall semester....that was a great couple of days with no sleep.....

I'm not sure what I'm doing to celebrate the 4th.....i was supposed to be in Chicago with KJS but she has a physics final on tuesday and I always go home for the fireworks at the wizards stadium, but that's monday night and I have to work on Tuesday...and there's a thing at TSAV on Sunday...but if I go to that what would I do Monday? pack and clean....duh.....i need to be smacked in the head....i don't know if I want to drive that much....i'm going to become a hermit....nope....i need people too much.....OMG....I had a two person conversation with myself, outloud, at work....maybe i do need medical help.....no.....1.5 hours of work left.....is it really 1:30? ELWOOODDDD!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, he just came to visit......he quit about a year ago and was on contract doing tech support and networking all over the country for some company.....he gets me a shot glass everywhere he goes!!!.....he told me stories about taking his final from an airport in canada.....i miss him! and now I only have a hour left!!!!

I do actually love my job, even with it's bullshit........

40 Days Gone By....

Batman was fun. I was a little disappointed with the kid that played young Bruce Wayne, but everything else was superb. SP and I were so dead yesterday. It was comical how tired we were. We split after the movie so we could both "go home and sleep." With the exception of a stop at Best Buy that's pretty much how it happened. I took a bubble bath and fell asleep to California (Copeland) last night. Sweet Bliss.....

I put together a really..interesting?....not the word I'm looking for....eclectic?....sure.....group of CDs for today at work. Breaking Benjamin (we are not alone) Copeland (beneath medicine tree) Lifehouse and Reliant K. It makes me want to curl up in my bay window and dream......

I've been singing to everyone today. (really off key) But people keep smiling...so I guess it works....

It seems like when I'm happy everyone else isn't. I wish I could change that.....

Is it really July? July is going to be nuts. It can't almost be here. Because there's Texas...and moving....and SMJ/GFC wedding...too much...brain overload....need sleep....danger sara beth danger....

lol. whatever...I wouldn't have it any other way.....

I owe it all to my girls ex boyfriend....

and now that we have that covered....:)

It's all for shits and giggles right?

Money is the root of all evil.....

I talked to NPN last night. Good talkin'. He just got his blog "edited to his satisfaction". whatever. He should be linked now. Nicky. Not much content. I'll give him time....

IIIIIIII gotta' get outta' here......

Randomness.....2.5 hours of work left. THANK GOD.

I look really cute today. The Frenchies are here......It's required right? I'm actually begining to like suits......wearing them at least. I've always liked guys in them.......weird....okay....moving on.....


I really like it when I type everything that enters my mind.....kinda different.....okay......


Oh, I did want to talk about this. CPP yelled at me! I deserved it, but still....He yelled.....It was.....yea.....He doesn't realize that I'm NEVER serious about anything....well generally....and for all the threatening that I do to kick peoples butt, I hate violence.......okay.......so everyone remember Sara=not serious....

It's going to rain.....soon.....and I'm off work soon....I can play in the rain....this is good.......

Hope everyone has a great day/night!

stolen...

stole this from nick, who stole it from penny, who stole it from leah.....

3s
3 NAMES YOU GO BY:
Red
Sara Beth
Giggles

3 PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
Eyes
Hair
Hands

3 PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
Irish
Scotish
English

3 THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
Trusting people with my emotions
Being sad
My parents being disappointed in me

3 OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
Camera
Music
Family

3 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
Promise ring
Sweet 16 ring
Black heels

3 OF YOUR ALL-TIME FAVOURITE BANDS:
Simon and Garfunkle
Smashing Pumpkins
Live

3 RECENTLY WATCHED MOVIES:
Batman Begins (with SP)
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (family)
Van Wilder

3 REASONS YOU'VE BROKEN UP WITH EXES:
Boredom.
Lack of Interest.
Disillusionment.

3 THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
Laughter.
Honesty.
Commitment.

3 PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
Eyes.
Hair.
Smile.

3 OF YOUR FAVOURITE PASTIMES:
Dance.
Insanity.
Randomness.

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW:
Run.
Cook.
Move.

3 CAREERS YOU HAVE CONSIDERED OR ARE CONSIDERING:
Philinthropic Studies
Interior Design
Underwater Basket weaving

3 PLACES YOU WOULD LIKE TO TRAVEL TO:
Ireland
Scotland
Italy

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
Truely love someone
Have a family
See the world

Cleansing Days

First and foremost....SMJ and GFC are going to kill me. Their song is Brightest (Copeland) and I could have sworn that my Beneath Medicine Tree CD was one of the ones that wasn't stolen by Kimberly. Well.....aparently I was mistaken. Because I can't find it for the life of me. I'm so sorry guys. I think I'm just going to buy them a copy.........whatever, I'll figure it out.

I feel free today. I posted the whole CPP thing....all of it. Even things that I haven't told anyone....yesterday. And I've hidden it today, but that's not the point. Just knowing that it's all out there makes me feel so much better. I'm not hiding any of it anymore. There were so many things that I could never verbalize or even consider putting words to, but I have. It's all part of the healing process I guess.....

Things didn't work out with SP last night. We both just ended up being too busy to hang out. We've rescheduled for tonight.

So I went walking with CPP yesterday just like we used to last summer. Scarey. I see everything that I used to "like" about him. But I also see the things that I didn't want to see before. He doesn't have any goals, he doesn't believe in himself. It was really hard for both of us to see each other, let alone talk, but we did. We both realize that mentally we need to be friends because it makes everything right, but emotionally I don't think we can be. I don't really want to be. I'm healing, slowly but surely....

....Seeing him also makes me realize how important it is that I kick the habit. It's easier with KO gone. 39 days. The interesting part is that no one suspected anything. Or at least they didn't verbalize any concerns. I can do this. The first 7 days are always the worst. I'm through that. I can do this.

SMJ and GFC these are for you!

If you find yourself here
On my side of town
I pray that you'd come to my door

And talk to me
Like you don't know
What we ever fought about
I don't remember anymore

I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And she said that I was the brightest
Little firefly in her jar

And I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are

And she says that I am the brightest
Little firefly in her jar

Stuff..........

Questions from Bob:

1. You have to choose between the love of your life and your dreams. Which do you choose and why?
I can't have both? .........(extended period of time)..........the love of my life. Love is a dream at this point for me. I look back at the people that I've thought I loved and realize that I never really did. Sad. I believe that love is worth giving up my dreams for because with love there are new dreams. But my dreams include love, so by choosing either/or I'm not, in truth, giving either up. When I meet the right person I'll be willing to give up my dreams if they ask. But a person that loves you shouldn't ask you to give up your dreams, should they?

2. If you could live in any era, which would it be and why?
Probably ancient Scotland. Not medieval, but around there. I have a weakness for horseback riding and guys in kilts.....call it embracing my heritage... I wouldn't want to go back with everyone's little girls dream of being a princess, but an important clan member would be nice. But I don't think it'd live up to my expectations. It'd be harder than I expect it to be. I'd be more restricted as a female.....The clothes are cool and I love castles.....and the kilts (have I mentioned that yet?) I honestly think that my personality fits that time period better than it does right now.

3. If you were to look back on your life, when would be your "good ole days" and why?
The "good ole days" would have to be when I was a kid. The oblivious nature and endless curiosity weren't spoiled yet. I felt free then. I played in the rafters of barns and spent my summers at crooked lake playing in the lake and walking the trails, everything was simple. It seems that with age the simple joys in life have been spoiled by a cynical mind.

4. You can change one thing about you. What do you choose to change?
My eyes. They're the feature that I love the most about myself, but I hate how people that truly know me can see through them. I can never fool my parents or Sherie or Dustin. Everything is there for the world to see, I've learned to hide most of it in the last year. (Sherie even remarked on how hard it was for her to read me this weekend.) At the right moments my soul is bear, I'd change that...

5. I am told I have my mother's eyes. What do you want your kids to get from you?
I want them to have the spirit that hides inside me. I want them to know the endless joy that comes from being free and living your dreams. But most of all I want them to have my capacity to love each person that comes into their life, should they choose to.

Weekend Recap:
The Bachelorette Party went well, in spite of the hotel be total dumb fucks.
Saturday was fun. Lunch with my cousin Matt and hanging out with Sherie and Steph.
Started packing on Sunday for my big move. Cross your fingers for the end of July.

Other Stuff:
I love Scott Adams because he writes Dilbert Cartoons/Comics
I'm too tired to work. Must sleep soon.
Hanging out with Scott tonight in Greenwood.


I have a really in depth post started, but it's not where I want it to be yet....we'll see what happens when I'm not this mentally fried.

4x4 Trucks....ahhhhhhhhh

Why do I go completely gaga for a guy with a bright, shiny, new 4x4 truck. It helps that he listens to country and works construction, and is completely adorable. Named Kyle. Ahhhhhhhhh. 10 minutes and I'm ready to have his children. He's the perfect combination of home grown country and engineer. wow. And talk about those guns.....

.......and yesterday kimmer and i discussed our complete lack of interest in guys...........

......So I'm not as heavily medicated today. I think that I should be. I'm not going to make it through the party tonight. I'll snap and kill......

......I like popcorn. Specifically Orville Redenbacher's Kettle Corn. YUMMMMYYYYYYY :).......

........My mocha frapachino kinda sucks. too much mocha. not enough frapachino. I think I should just get a caffine drip installed. Although I'm already bouncing off the walls......

.........I think I had too many pain killers yesterday. There's still a fog between me and what I want to do. It's like my brain won't kick into high gear. That and the caffine are a dangerous combination........

.........Baker you stupid nut! I LOVE YOU! (We're on the phone.)The TKEs are throughing a "Rock Out with Your Cock Out" party on Saturday at the house. He thinks that I "definitely need to be there". LOL, because I feel like getting busted for underage drinking, again. Go Alex, dirty drunk. I hope it's as good as his "Friday Night: Get Crunk" party. He's awesome.........

..........I dunno. It kinda depends on what MJ is up to. I might actually watch all of the star wars movies this weekend. It's kinda a go hard or go home situation. If I'm going to watch them it's going to be in his theatre and it's going to be all at one.....we'll see.........

....Is anyone following my train of thought? weird........


Lata gaters. Oh, and call me tonight. Please. I cant' handle the girls for long. We'll be at the Sports Comedy Club from 7-9 but outside of that. CALL ME!

Ouch.

Tag.....you're it now, too!

If you get tagged you have to list 5 songs that you have been stuck on recently and tag 5 more people, and remember no tagbacks!

Songs I’ve Been Stuck On
1. Be My Escape - Reliant K
2. Speak - Lindsay Lohan
3. You Wanted More - Tonic
4. Old Apartment - Bearnaked Ladies
5. My Own Worst Enemy - Lit

Tag, You’re It!
1. Katie
2. Stephanie
3. Nick
4. Mike
5. Bob

I"m heavily medicated today. Good stuff. Katy isn't medicated today. That's bad. I like Z99.5 as a radio station. Not such a fan of Smiley, but still. The music is decent. A lot of stuff from the 90s. I have crayons.

I'll revise this later

Speak.....let it out......give it to me

Yesterday was just.....surreal.

Everybody's got a point of view
And the right to their own opinion
don't be scared of what I'm gonna do
When you let me know your intuition

No one makes you think
That I wont get it
No one makes you think that
I wont get your love tonight

Paula's decided that it's her mission to find me a husband.....ASAP. It doesn't matter that a serious relationship isn't a priority for me right now, she's going to find me one. I don't get it........

Speak your come and let it out
Give it to me you know that I can take it
Speak because the more you say the more I know I'm at ease
Come on don't keep me waiting now
I don't wanna guess, not a test, tell me what your thinking
Keep it real, know we deal
Tell me what your dreaming
Speak let it out... Breathe

It cant be wrong it can only be right
Just show me what you are feeling
You'll be surprised that how easy it is
Just open up its so healing

I picked Art (Paula's bf) up from the airport around 2. He's great. We haven't gotten to spend a lot of time together, but we bonded yesterday. lol. Drinks at Chancellor's. She called around 4:30 and we picked her up from work for Happy Hour at TGI Fridays. Honestly, the only thing I enjoy about being in a suit/excessively dressed up everyday is not being carded anywhere. That, and I was with two people old enough to be my parents. Go figure.

So what makes you think that I wont get it
So what makes you think that I wont get your love tonight.

I got the stuff for the shirts for the party this weekend. The cats aren't helping me with that.....I have to get the backs done tonight and the fronts done tomorrow. Cross your fingers for me. Work is looking up today so far.....I'm only an hour into the day....Hope everyone out there has a great humpday and a great weekend!

Bee Gees - I Surrender

My life is really mundane. Seriously.....at 10 last night I was sitting in bed, watching TV Land and attempting to study for my final. Oh, and spraying my houseguests, Fefe and Lulu, with a squirt gun when they jumped onto my bed. They didn't get it.

This weekend is going to be interesting. The Bachelorette Party is here. I still have to make the shirts. Oppsssss.....I'll do that tonight. I can't believe that everyone is coming. I didn't predict that. I have to go get prizes too. I wish there were a Stoner's Funstores in Indy.

It'll be good to see the girls again. We haven't all been together since Christmas of our Freshman year of college. (Has it really been that long?)

Lunch.....Yummmyyyyyyyyy. Nothin' But Noodles. Clogging my arteries one bowl of pasta at a time.......lol.

I just sent TSAV a card. It's on official stationary. hehehe. I love acting like I'm a professional......not quite.

I can't wait until next weekend. Kimmer here I come. It's all about Chicago. FUN FUN FUN!

I know that I complain a lot in here. I'm good at it. :) Sorry all. It's not that life is bad, it's just that life isn't exceptional anymore.

I'm having a weak day. It stems from lack of sleep and emotional issues, but it's still a weak day. I'm rethinking a lot of decisions. It'll pass. But was I wrong? Maybe things can change and work out for the better. It'd make life easier. I don't know. Internal drama.

I'm so tired of fighting. I cheer the small victories and morn the loses, but what's the war about anymore? I surrender. Good lyrics BTW.

From the highest tower, I will call you home
It's the same old story, love will find it's own

You come to me, conspiracy of the night
The heart that you want just happens to be mine
Thieves in the dark, you ought to be locked in chains
But you wind up on my side, and what will be will be

That you wear a disguise, the epitome of deceit
The face of a friend invisible on the street
If you're battling to be mine, I'm victorious in defeat

And I surrender, I surrender

Anybody want me, anyone know my name
Do it in a lifetime, you be dust and the soul survives
Evens up the score

From the highest tower, I will call you home
It's the same old story, love will find it's own

And I surrender, take me for all time
Love that lasts forever, I surrender

We are elite, prisoners of the night
We fight to the finish and savour the delights
It's your body that got me beat, at I'm crumbling at your feet
I surrender, I surrender

I will walk through fire, keep you safe and sound
In the final hour, turn my life around
And I surrender, take me for all time

This is my life story, I've been lost and found
In the final hour, turn my life around

And I surrender. take me for all time
Love as warm as wine, and I surrender

Take me for all time, love that lasts forever

Lata kids,

Truth...is it out there?

Your Birthdate: May 20
Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading.
The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly.
Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group.

You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection.
You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.
It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in.
When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

I think about how life is actually just twisted masks. We all play our roles in the many shows of life.

I've been thinking about the many roles I play. I don't like it. There are too many. I'm making changes again.....They're just in the consideration phase right now, but still........who knows what will come out of it.

Given up on trying to be me at work. I've conformed to waht they want me to be. I'm not happy, but I'm tired of fighting them every day.

I spent a lot of time with Mom and Amy this weekend. I idolize me sister. Don't tell her that. Little Sister Syndrome. I can't believe Amy is moving to Texas.

Angie is having fun at Ft. Hood. I'm going to visit her on my way to Houston. We're going horseback riding!!!!

Sherie's Bachelorette party is Friday night. Cross your fingers.

It's finals week. Blaaaahhhh.....

I had a great weekend at home. R&R. Miss the FORT!.

Not much to say...........lata.

Dreams of the future........?

I've been fighting an uphill battle at work for the last two years. It centers around office politics, undefined responsibility, and general unhappiness for most of the people that I work with. It's frusterating to say the least.

Given that the subconscenous expresses itself through dreams, I should not have been surprised when I awoke this morning, but I was. Last night I dreamt that I was at a CDD (Dean's, Directors, and Chairs) meeting taking notes for my ever tardy employer. The topic of discussion was the lack of morale in the office. (This isn't surprising because when J.R. quit last month during his exit interview he stated that he was leaving due to the a:lack of repect from upper level employees b:intense office politics c:lack of happiness d: lack of fullfillment from his job.

During the time that he worked here we had become friends. He's an enormously lovable gay guy with three dogs that serve as his children. Excellent taste in everything from clothes to home decorating to food, as one would expect. He also had a talent for making the day durable during our "gossip hours" each day.

okay, so I'm sitting in the meeting, taking notes and not commenting. (My new goal at work is to stay under the radar at any cost, btw.) PF begins talking about how there are no office politics and that JR didn't know what he was talking about. I can't help but laugh.

Every morning when I wake up I spend a hour laying in bed, watching TV, and planning my lunch/outfit for the day. My clothing is, as I have been informed, one of the most frequent topics of conversation in the office. Jean skirts, even if they go to the knee, are jeans and therefore only to be worn on Fridays. Halters, even when worn under a sweater/suit jacket, are halters and offensive to PF. Open toe shoes, big jewelry, painted toenails, curly hair, (the list goes on forever) are all offensive. My confusion is that for my boss to be happy I need to "dress my age" and represent students and that PF wants me to dress like I'm 30. So I find something in the middle and hopefully it works.

HA.....I just did a thing for my word study....."What are your current career goals?" TO STAY UNDER THE RADAR AND NOT GET YELLED AT. I don't think that's very productive, do you?

My cubical has become a second home. It's my happy place at work.

I'm glad I have Friday off. I like dentist appointments. It could be because my mommy works there or that my dentist was my soccer coach, but still. If I have to see a doctor, I'd choose my dentist. They have a big fish tank!

Obviously I didn't run myself to death last night, but I thought about it. (PG just asked how I'm feeling today. I don't think I'm having a fat day and my boobs hurt qualifies as an answer, do you? TMI, I know.)

It's time to go run again, isn't it? People look at me funny on my way home. It could be because no one in Indy works out or because I'm bear foot. I can't decide. Honestly, after my feet have been in heels all day and then I go running, I don't want to wear shoes at all.

I just drew a maze on a file folder with a white out stick. 12 more minutes.....

I'm going shopping this weekend. That'll make me happy. Not so much, but we'll act like it will for now.

I'm cat sitting for three weeks. Lolo and Fefe. But at least I'll be away from campus.

I can't wait to go to Chicago to visit Kimmer. Taste of Chicago here we come!

7 minutes......

OOOOOOOOOOOO I have a really cool poem that I wanna put in here. But it's at home. We'll do that tomorrow. Well, goodnight cats and kittens!

Relationships: The Tough Ones

Somedays I feel like a chain of bad relationships. I look back ans see the decisions that I've made in the last 5 years and mainly wonder what I was thinking. I wish that I could blame it all on Aaron because that's where it all started, but maybe I'm just genetically messed up.

Honestly, what kind of 15 year-old dates someone 10 years their senior? Maybe one that wants to piss off their parents or just doesn't care......I don't know. I went to his daughters' 3rd birthday party. It was fun, I guess. Messed up, to say the least.

I look at the tone of that relationship and see it in every one since then. It was the same cycle with Stephen, Josh..........Graham, Mike.........Cale, Alex. It's the same thing every time and I'm sick of it. I need counciling.

I'm too worped for counciling.............

Maybe I should be a nun.........

I hate boys............

I need Kate right now. She so knows what I'm going through. I wish she hadn't moved to NC last week.

I think I'm going to run myself to death tonight. Maybe six miles? I did three last night. Six might not be enough to kill me........I'll just run until I die, that'll work. Goodbye all. Enjoy the kegs at my wake!

I'm morbid.................

I got another job today. It'll be cool. A couple nights a week working events. And I get to go to bartending school! I don't event hink I like drinking. I think I just like making drinks. I should invest in bartending school. That would be fun.

Works over ...... I'm still sitting here ....... I should leave .......... hmmmm ........ wahtever ........ sooner or later .......... lol ......... this is some mood I'm in ........... I'm going to go lock myself in a padded room ..... thanks for playing! :)

Cliques................

Okay, so this has been rolling around in my head for a while.....

I think it's interesting how the social dynamics of high school effect our friendships. Who we're friends with, what we do, the organizations that we're in. For instance, in High School I was very defined by the organizations that I was in: PRIDE (parents resource institute for drug education), Central Noble Theatre Company, National Honor Society, Prom Corp., Student Government, Mentoring, Soccer, Mat Maids, color guard...everything. That's who I was. And I was friends with the people that it was socially acceptable for me to be friends with. The popular drama kids, other NHS kids, the Stud. Gov. Reps on my committee, the rest of prom corp.....but I wasn't supposed to be friends with my soccer boys or the wrestlers or my PRIDE kids. It wasn't acceptable for me to talk to the kids that I mentored during school. Why? Because someone 50 years ago said that we shouldn't? or because we were socially different? We weren't.

In the last couple years I've realized how defined I actually was, despite my belief that I was one of those people that was friends with everyone. Truthfully, I did have friends in a lot of different cliques, but what about the "Goths" that I was friends with before? Granted, I was a different person with much different values, but still.....Why wasn't I still friends with them? Were we really that different? I think about all of the friendships that were lost because of what was socially acceptable....but I digress.......

Everytime I go home there are specific people that I know I want to visit. The list goes
1. Parents
2. Cara
3. Russ and Jean Smith
4. Petts Family
5. Riddle Family

I'm not saying that it actually happens this way or that I get to see each group on the list, but that's generally how it works out. I'd like to focus on Russ and Jean. I played soccer with their son, Joe, for two years. He was my sweep. (I've talked aobut him recently.) I love them, they're kind of second parents. I normallyhango ut with Jean for a couple hours talking about college and Albion and basically filling each other in. Then we go visit Russ at the shop (they're starting an antique store). Sooner or later we run into Joe and the two of us will talk for a couple hours and then I'll head out. It's fun because I've gotten to watch him grow up and help him through some hard times. It's nice that we've managed to be friends after everything.......high school drama. But I guess there has always been that void where we're friends, but it's still not accepted because of the High School restrictions.

He graduated this year. He's amazingly intelligent. I went to his graduation party before I headed back to Indy two weeks ago. It still kind of surprises me. When I walked in he ran across the room, picked me up and swung me in circles. he was so happy that I had made it. There were some wierd looks from people who obviously thought that I shouldn't have been there. (You wouldn't believe how cliquish our high school was.)Before I left he made me promise that since he's only going to be 45 minutes away that we'd hang out a lot.

I'm not sure if I buy into it. He's not a frat boy. he enjoys learning too much. And he's not into the drinking, partying, sex scene. I guess I just wonder how Wabash is going to change him. I hope that he doesn't change too much. I miss hanging out with people who actually know me and that I feel comfortable with. I've only had that with Kimmy since I came to college.

It's ironic. I never trusted my best friend with half of my personality...maybe I knew all along that we really weren't friends at all. We were friends because we were both there and had similar interests.....but it takes more than that to be friends. How can you trust someone who admits that everything they do is an act? You always wonder if they're professions of friendship are facades too.......food for thought I guess.

Lata..........:)

It's gonna be a hot one.....

I walked outside at 7 a.m. and just new that it was going to be hot and muggy and that I don't, DO NOT, want to be in a car for 2 hours in the middle of the day. But, whatcha gonna do? Middletown, OH here I come. I should beat my family there by a good 4 hours. I've decided that I'm going to diplomatically spend it in the workout facilities or the pool or the hot tub or laying out.

Hmmm.... I love this song. Seeing Red by Unwritten Law I've been listening to a lot of Unwritten Law lately. Mainly the Elva CD. And it's not that I'm unhappy or frusterated, well maybe I am, but it's that it makes me happy.

I'm not going to make it through today. Need sleep.

Anita, Nick and I puzzled ALL night. It's a giant grandfather clock. 3-D. I was matching wood grain for 6 hours. We didn't get very far. I miss the kids. They were always good for entertainment.

I worked for ten hours yesterday. BLEHHHH........ so I've decided that since I did a weeks worth of work for two people, I shouldn't have to be here, BUT I should still get paid. The Dean laughted at me. I love Dr. Y and all his Turkishness. At least I'm entertaining myself today. Sarah (with an H) keeps walking by and laughing at me because I'm talking outloud to myself while I'm typing. I guess she didn't believe me when I said that I could carry on a two person conversation with myself and type at the same time........anywho.....

I actually do have to look productive today, since I'm leaving early. But really I was here early so I'm leaving on time, but it'll be before 5 so it's early. Does this make sense to anyone?

Lata!

Answers to Adam's Interview Questions

Rabbi's Questions:
1. Pick one item in your life that describes you, what is it and why does it fit?

Hmmm....I think I got it. I have this canvas sitting at home in my room. I've had it for 4 years. I always sit down to work on it, put paint on my brush, swish it around, but I never finish it. It's just a mix of colors. But it says so much about me. There are times when there's dark colors, violent and bold, and times when there are soft colors, subtly changing the entire picture. I think of it as a portrait of who I have been, who I am, and who I'm becoming.

2. What event prompted you to stop being a good catholic?

Talk about a loaded question...
Everything?
My grandfather died when I was nine, while I was holding his hand. I never told him that I loved him. I was too young to understand that the reason he had been so unreachable during my life was because of the considerable pain he was in. I blamed God. I couldn't understand why he had taken my grandfather away from me. That was my first experience with death.
I became withdrawn, Goth, got into drugs and other things. When I finally pulled myself out of where I was I started trying to find religion again. I realized that it wasn't God's fault and that he really did love me enough to give me time to get to know my grandfather. At least I had that.
I initially went back to Catholism because that's what my mom's family is. It didn't make sense. I kept looking around, becoming immersed in religions, I guess trying to find truth. Through all of that I had still been attending religious ed classes through Blessed Sacrement Catholic Church. I started going to the adult discussions with Deacon Ramero. He has this fire and spirit that was more genuine than anything that I had found in books.
I came back to Catholism and was confirmed when I was 14. The one thing that I learned trough everything was that every religion from Hinduism to Native American has the same basic belief: There is a higher power. One good. One evil. The good can take the form of three beings. Catholism just seemed like the one that had it close to making sense. And every religion has it's problems, maybe the Catholic church is just more noticable because it has been around so long. And it doesn't all make sense.
I've learned to just have faith. Faith and religion are not one in the same. I still attend a Catholic Church, I'll buy into about 75% of the teachings, but at the end of the day I have faith in God and not in a building.

3. If money was not an option what would be your job and why?

Travel, that isn't really a job is it? There are so many things to see and experience in the world. But honestly? A homemaker. I want to be a stay at home mom, go to soccer games and dance competition. I want to cook and clean and turn a house into a home. I want to take care of my family.

4. Tell your best party story.

Well, it involves Kate and Val. (I guess you don't know them, do you?) It was a three night serious of parties we call TKN (triple kiss night) parts I, II, III. These are supposed to be kept secret within the group, but I'll give you overviews.
Part I: Val, John, and I got trashed on a Wed. night. Webcamed with Doug. Drew all over John with highlighters and sharpies.
Part II: I kissed Val, John, and Kate (any and all combinations involving 2-3 ppl.) Homemade whiskey. Kings. Four bottles of everclear and one gallon of Kool-Aid.
Part III: Vodka test tubes. Four beer runs. Drunk driver (game). Kings. College Humor.com. Met Casey from Purdue. Soccer party. Party at the Hyatt.
You don't really get a lot from that, but they were good times. I think it took us all a week to recover!

5. What is the one big decision you wish you could have changed, what would you have done differently and why?

(sigh) I told myself that I would never regret the choices that I make in college, but Cale is one that I do. In that time, I came as close to giving up on myself as I could. I sacrificed everything that I stood for. I can't ever fix it. It's something that I've had to come to terms with, hard as that may have been. I'm still working on it. It's why I try to loose myself in other things so much. I can't say that I'd change things because it's why I am who I am today, but going through everything is probably the hardest thing that I've ever done. I wish that I had kept my dreams alive.

Stephanie's Interview Questions

So it's taken me a while, but here they are Steph...

1. Describe Paradise.

2. Favorite number and why.

3. What do you hope to accomplish during your life?

4. Describe the perfect date. Place, time, who you're with...etc.

5. What is your zodiac sign and does it fit you?

Adam, I'm working on the answers to your questions.

It's getting better all the time....

Well. Okay. Maybe not. But yesterday did wonders for my soul. I left work around 11. The boss was out and my coworkers were taking naps. lol. I saw Cale. I'd like to say something about this, but I'm not quite certain I've got it figured out yet. So I drove around 465. I have now officially seen all of it in the light of day. I caught the traffic at rush hour. That was hell. Ended up going to Haute and picking up my pillow and blanket on my way to vist Sherie in Bloomington. She had just gotten back from a picnic in Brown County with Gabe. We talked about the wedding, bachelorette party, and all kinds of stuff. I hope she isn't as stressed now as she was. I think that I'm adding to it by being in Texas the week before her wedding, but I can't really help that. Amy's moving to Texas. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'm upset because she'll be so far away. It terrifies me. I know that we don't get along, but I'm going to miss her. Don't ever tell her that I said that. It's just going to be a big change. I might get to fly back with Angie. That'll be interesting. I can't wait until we move into our apartment. They should be letting us know about that rather soon....I hope.

Sherie does wonders for my mood. She's seen me go through a lot and always seems to know what I need. From chocolate to quiet to just being alone. So many people just don't understand that.

I saw Parket today. That was intersting. I miss him. He was always good for stimulating conversation. :) Love you Parker. You can be my techie anyday...

I think it's funny the people that read this. The ones I don't know anyway. I was briefly on AIM the other day and got random IMs from people I've never met. It was kinda cool. It makes me wonder about the people that do read this. I'm sure that there are people out there that I'd rather not have in here. I guess that's why I don't go too deep. Because somewhere I know that there are people reading this that shouldn't be. People I don't know, stalkers, people who would use this knowledge for their own gain. LMAO. Paranoid much? Sherie and I watched this thing about internet "people" last night. I'm nuts. But really, think of all the creepy people out there that could learn everything about you by reading one of these......YIKES!

I'm done now. I'm not concerned enough to stop blogging, obviously. DUH!. Anywho. Today's been better. I'm hoping rains tonight. Looking forward to being in OHIO this weekend. Is Canada on the way back from Ohio? Maybe only on the scenic route!

ignore me........

i'm dwelling on my unhappiness. phantom of the opera isn't helping like it normally does. today i feel the pain of the phantom. his hopelessness. his frustration at not being able to change his circumstances. his desire to fight for love, yet being unable to do so. the finality and resignation when he finally releases christine to be with raoul. i guess i feel that way a lot. i spend so much time fighting for what i want and then when i finally am able to hold onto it, i realize that it was never mine to begin with and then i have to let it go. but the glimmer of happiness is almost worth it. maybe not. hell, i should just give up.

what do you think?

Some days it's just like that.

Adapted from:

THE COLD SHOULDER AND OTHER TREATMENTS

I am currently not speaking to my clit.
I realize that my passive aggressive use
of the silent treatment is childish.
This bothers me until I choose not to worry about it.
Instead, I just cross my legs very tightly thinking,
"Take that, bitch," and smile from my receptionist's desk.

***

My friend Joan, who is not really my friend,
is always reading Cosmo.
She sits at the desk across from me.
Once a month she interrogates me
about the inadequacies of my past, present and future relationships with men.
My most recent endeavor was a fish-lipped man named Phil:

SWM, 38ish, "stocky," balding, manager-type
who enjoys moonlit walks and candlelight dinners,
romantic evenings on the beach and the occasional slap on the ass

SEEKS SWF, young(er), slim, attractive, blonde (brunette if shiny),
blue-eyed (will negotiate green), tall (but not taller than),
employed (doesn't make more than), intelligent (but not smarter than) f
or fucking and possible friendship. Personality a plus.

There were three things I did not like about Phil:

The way he picked his nose in public,
his refusal to perform oral sex because of the smell,
and his disinterest in bringing me to orgasm.
The rest of his flaws I tolerated,
finding them almost (but not quite) endearing.
We dated for five and a half months
before Phil flashed me the "it's not you, it’s me" finger.
I blame my clit but sometimes I wonder what I could have done differently.

Last month, I was a masochistic enabler.
This month, Joan likes to point out that according to Cosmo,
I might be a lesbian.

***

I like to lose myself in mirrors,
my eyes, my nose, my mouth.
I am fascinated by the reflections of reflections of reflections.
I never know what it is I see,
only what Cosmo tells me I am supposed to see.
My nose that is too long,
but with the proper shading technique can be shadowed into submission.
My forehead that is too wide,
but with the proper hairstyle can be hidden under a starchy wave.
My eyes that are too small,
but with deftly applied eye-liner
--the outside of the rim, not the inside--
can intrigue any man with their defined mystery.
And then my lips that are too thin,
but with just the right color and a dab of gloss,
can produce a pout that will have the men drooling
--and I sigh for something more.

Once and only once, did I look at my clit in the mirror
(a Cosmo suggestion).
It was rather uneventful, uninspiring and quite disappointing,
so I didn't do it again.

***

I like men to carry heavy things for me.
I'm not sure how that fits into the whole feminist scheme of things.
I acknowledge that I really should be self-sufficient,
but I don't understand why having ovaries and a uterus
means I should carry heavy things when
(a) I don't want to and
(b) men will carry them for me.
I'm sure my clit has something to do with the conspiracy.

***

I remember putting on nylons for Church
(The time is BC--Before Cosmo.):

I hate them,
the way they scratch and ride my crotch,
but I want to look nice,
and nice girls wear nylons.
The thought of hot synthetic mesh slowly suffocating my clit upsets me
(and my clit)
but propriety and the Bible (I assume, though I'm not sure) require it.

Scrunching each leg of nylon into a ring,
one after the other,
I wonder if God would be offended if I sat naked on a pew.
The words naked and pew make me laugh.
The thought of rubbing my naked body over
the smooth wood surface of the bench does not.
It intrigues me.

I consider nakedness in church:

I would wash myself in the baptismal font,
spread myself on the altar,
press my body against the huge stained-glass apostles
and roll around in the Communion wafers
--the ones that feel and taste like Styrofoam,
welding to the roof of a mouth because the thimble-full of wine
(one finger for grape juice)
—the blood of Christ--
isn't enough to dislodge it.
All of this would be done in biblical nakedness,
like Eve before Adam,
the apple, the curse,
before everyone was busy trying to know everyone else.

I think of myself as Joan of Arc,
but then decide Joan--both of Arc and of 51st and Maple--
wouldn't dare be naked in Church.
Then again, I wouldn't normally either.
However, I conclude I would not be truly naked.
My clit would still be covered (as always)
due to the discreet (and discerning?) nature of female genitalia.
This being the case, the eyes of Baby Jesus would remain pure,
the old men would not blush
and I am quite sure the pastor would still bless me because he's Protestant.
I find that Protestants (as opposed to Catholics)
tend to be more relaxed about these sorts of things
—rolling around naked on top of the figurative body of Christ.

I hike the nylons up over my hips and adjust the crotch.
I have a hard time believing Jesus died on the cross
to save myself from my clit.

***

I smile at all the men (Kevin, Rob, Sam, etc.)
who pass by my receptionist's desk
--I've been told it's company policy to do so (smile that is).
They wink, wave, offer me pats on the ass and quickies in the Xerox room.
I continue to smile, laugh, thank them for the offer
and silently curses my clit, the cause of the attention.
Later, when their wives call the office, I suggest they read Cosmo,
hoping they'll take the "Is He a Cheater?" quiz.

The wives assume I am a lesbian because my hair and nails are rather short.
Unaware that lesbians have access to Cosmo,
they are somewhat surprised by my recommendation.
However, since they already have lifetime subscriptions,
they thank me for my thoughtful suggestion.

***

I am still not speaking to my clit.
My clit is still not speaking to me,
or anyone for that matter.
Resisting the temptation to confront my clit,
I call Joan to discuss a re-occurring dream:

"I'm standing in the middle of the street,
like in a Western.
From out of nowhere, a man saunters up
—and I say saunters because he didn't walk,
it was more of a John Wayne waddle.
When he finally manages to Duke his way up to me
I start to feel like Clint Eastwood with tits.
He jerks his head in this slow, cowboy way and says,
‘Hey you, I called you a bitch.
What are you gonna do about it, bitch?'

I lower my lashes and grind the heel of my stiletto and say,
'Bitch, huh?'

“So he says, 'Yeah, that's right.'

“Before I know it,
I'm beating the shit out of him—elbowing him in the ribs,
kneeing him in the balls.
When he finally falls to the ground moaning and stuff,
I place my shoe, heel first, on his chest.
I reach down and rip the tie from his neck,
wrapping it around my head Rambo-style.
Then, with my red lipstick,
I write BITCH across his forehead."

"Yeah, that's really weird. I gotta go."

I decide to have a chicken potpie for dinner.
Between bites of tasty, flaky crust, I discuss with my cat,
Fido, Joan's inability to fulfill a man.
I speculate (according to rumors in the office)
it is due to the intense frigidity of Joan's crotch,
a common side effect of Cosmo.
I purposely leaves her clit out of the conversation.

***

I have just bought new moisturizer.
Cosmo promises it will have me
radiating, illuminating, gyrating, gravitating, deviating
and manipulating in less than a week.
I am surprised it is only for my face.
I smoothe it on and wait for results.

***

Inspired by my dream, I decide to send the wives
--Karen, Rita, Sharon (etc.)--anonymous letters:

Dear beloved wife of (fill in the blank with coordinating bastard),

Your husband is a pig. Thought you should know.
Enclosed is a Xerox of his dick.

Sincerely,

Mary Magdalene

I reconsider the closing.
I'm not sure I like the reformed prostitute reference.
I resent the implication that it is the prostitute who needs reforming
and not the man who pays her.
I decide on:
Sincerely, A Concerned Clit.

I fold the letters and slip them into envelopes
along with black and white copies of Phil's dick
(a framed Christmas present).
I assume one Xeroxed dick must look like another and lick the glue.

***

I have successfully ignored my clit for a month
and now wonder if maybe I was being too harsh,
too unreasonable, expecting too much from something so small.
I still have yet to radiate, illuminate, gyrate, gravitate,
deviate or manipulate like Cosmo promised.
I consider rubbing some moisturizer on my clit,
thinking maybe I misread the label.
I think about it for a moment, but then decides against it,
not sure I really want those kinds of results.

I sigh and open the small, blue metal door in front of me.
Looking at the letters, I whisper, "Truce,"
and drop them in one at a time.

by K. Nanaziashvili

This will be quick. I've started another blog to coexist with this one. I'm asking everyone in here to not read it. I'd really appreciate it. Thanks.

3 liters of water and some crackers

Wow, so I'm back in Indy. I'd like to say that I had a good weekend, but I don't remember most of it. That kinda sucks. Kinda doesn't. I have a feeling that I'm surpressing things that I'd rather not know. Sooner or later I'll get it.

Spent Friday night in Terri Haute. Woke up on a couch, not quite sure how I got there. My last memory is of being outside somewhere. Things were spinning when I woke up. That, and the taste in my mouth, lead me to believe that I had a little too much to drink. (NO SHIT, right?) Most of the night is in freeze frame pictures. Snapshots in my mind. I haven't put them together yet. The more time that passes the less I think I remember and the more I think I shouldn't. I just wish I knew why.

Found out at 6 Saturday morning that I was expected for lunch with Grandma and Grandpa Petts in Ft. Wayne at noon. There was no way. I changed clothes got my stuff and was headed northeast by 7. Stopped at my APT. for a quick shower and then I was gone. I ended up making it north in time for lunch, drank 3 liters of water and some crackers on the way up. We went to some place at Jefferson Point. I dunno. Spent a hour or so with them talking about their upcoming trip to Stratford.

I wish that I could work it in this summer. The Festival Theatre and The Avon both have some really good shows. Graham Abbey as Jacques in As You Like It at the Festival and Measure for Measure at the Tom Patterson. I'd also like to see Three Women of Stature perform again. Anything in the Avon is good. That theatre is just amazing. Hmmm.....good memories. I almost think that going again would destory the magic of how it was in High School. And I highly doubt anything could beat the shows we saw senior year. The Kind and I, Henry IV, Taming of the Shrew, Hunchback of Notre Dame, and Three Women of Stature (Musical Performance). There are so many places to see up there. It's a different world. And the acting is amazing. I loved the environment. And the actor chats, tours of backstage, the costume warehouses, ahhhh. Sweet love. But I can't work it into my schedule. Here's the link http://www.stratford-festival.on.ca/ (Yea, I'm not being fancy today, copy and paste it.)

I finally got home around 2. And then spent a hour bonding with my whirlpool. Ahhh...sweet relaxation. Dad and I hit Kyle's graduation party, which included BBQ chicken and pork. Yummy....I got to see a lot of people (new and old) at that one.

I caught a ride with Joe to the C.N. Campus in his beautifully restored ORANGE truck. He just finished it a week ago. The ceremony was fun. Laura and I jointly spoke on the history of Central Noble Theatre Company (CNTC) and presented keys to all of the inductees. Of which, my little brother was among. I'm so proud. It was amazing to be on stage again...in the lights...with Johnny mooning us from offstage. At least he's tempered down from the all out strip shows of the past. We inducted 12 new members. Not bad. Then I headed home for some R&R. Dad and I both took naps while watching the Generals Daughter. I guess at somepoint I went to Adam's to drop off Steven's stuff and pick up the much anticipated Cheezy Pan from EOC. Dad said that I was pretty dead to the world. I don't remember going to bed, but I woke up there...who knows.

I'm realizing the I might not be the light sleeper that I once was. Normally if someone walked by my bedroom door I'd wake up. Dad and Steven had to dump a gallon of ice water on me to get me to even wake up. I didn't respond at all when they shook me. But even after the water I rolled off my bed, under my bed, and went back to sleep. There has to be something wrong with me.

Anyway, I eventually got up and headed to 'Busco for church. They've done a lot of remodeling since I've been at St. John Bosco's. It looks really nice. Mass is kind of a blur. I got there in time to hear the homily and go to communion. It doesn't really count, but whatever. Dawson's Baptism was the quickest thing I've ever seen a priest do. And the angelic almost two-year-old Dawson DID NOT want to be baptized. But it was entertaining. I got to ride on Justins new bike. Ahhh....insert sigh of longing. NOTE TO SELF: get my bike license renewed SOON! I actually think I'll have to do the classes again, but it's worth it. (sidenote there is a gorgeous Kawasaki ZX-7R in green and blue downstairs right now.)

Went to graduation, which was hot and stuffy as usual. I like the remodeling and additions that they've put on the athletic facilities. The soccer fields still suck, though the rock is worse yet. I went to Carol's party (She's going to come visit so we can go to Wolfgang Puck's in the IMA) and met mom and dad at steve/tricia's. I'm not sure why I went to that one. But I was invited. Tricia is such a bitch.

Anywho...we then trooped to Joe's. It was packed. They had a live band. Joe's looking forward to starting at Wabash as a Lamda Chi. He claims that since he's only 45 minutes away the two of us are going to bond. I doubt it, but he insists.

Then it was back to Indy. I crashed when I got here. Didn't even close my door. Thank you Jake, BTW. I have a lot more to say, but I'm feeling like a shell and this has been rather long. Whatever. Later

Memories.........;P

So for a day that started over 4 hours ago (6 a.m.), (I thank Red Hot Chilli Peppers and the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack for making it go so quickly.) things aren't going too bad. I found out that I don't need to take Fefe to the vet. (Colleen's kitten) Which works, but I was looking forward to the break midday. (I don't take lunch breaks.) I had to have CampusPD open the office for me this morning because our half of the suite was locked and the connecting door has yet to be removed. Thank God Vicki was here to verify that I am actually an employee, because the School polo that the entire office wears on Friday didn't give it away. I'm biting my thumb at them.

I've been pretty constructive so far. I stalked everyone's blogs and even added Karen, Gage, and someone named Joe Wack to my stalking list. I checked the bosses email, updated her calendar, filed some crap, and was writing thank you letters for her when we made an executive decision that because it was "National Doughnut Day" we needed to go to Long's. Heaven in a pastry. I've actually just gotten back from there. PJ still isn't here. Colleens at GO:GREEN. I have to head to Rolls Royce pretty quick. Gene is going a tour and doing a talk and the School has to represent. Then there's the thing at Eli Lilly.

Later that day......

Back from Rolls. It was decent. Gene made a bunch of corny jokes. God, I love that Alum. Reg tried to get me to work there again. I told him if he'd find a way to pay for my tuition then I'd do it. I'm braking for my popcorm lunch. Yummy! and then it's to Lilly.

I found both California quarters today. GASP! I know it's corny, but my Grandma Petts started them for all of her grandkids and it makes her happy so it makes me happy. Apparently while I was gone my mother and sister dropped off a CRAP LOAD of cookies at the office. Not quite sure how that works. I'm glad they're keeping themselves busy though, I guess. So now my lunch is sugar, caffine, and popcorn. Hmmmmm.....healthy.

A little later on.....

So the Lilly didn't take nearly as long as it was supposed to. Lot's of old people talking about things I don't give a carp about. I think I'm switching to Blessed Union of Souls for a while. Karen, Tiffany, and Josh are thrilled about my taste in music. I make them feel "not so old." They think it's funny that I was born mid 80s, but still love all of the classic 80s bands. And I haven't even broken out ACDC, Metallica, Bush, or Bon Jovi yet. I was born a generation late, I swear.

I can't wait until this weekend. It's going to be amazing. Hanging with the guys n' gals in the new TSAV house. Then heading home. I have Honors Theatre inductions Saturday night and then Kyle's graduation party. It's depressing that the majority of my senior soccer team is graduating this year. My sweep and my center in the same class. I miss my theatre group. Cassi is graduating too. My little girl is all grown up and handing over my Green Room to another. God, I ruled that place for four years. I taught Cassi everything she knows and now she's passing it on to another. Good girl Cass. I remember all of the carp we used to do. Johnny "exposing" himself in A Midsummer Nights' Dream (I ALMOST broke character). Crawling under the set of Anne Frank during a black out because the door to the W.C. was stuck. "Screwing" around with Chris, Jeremy, and Cameron during Aersnic and Old Lace. Jess, Jen, Sherie, Britt, Cara and I being "gansters girls" in Robin Hood. Cara was so awesome dancing. Hmmm....fond memories. My froshy, Carol, directing her first One Act. Little Women. Steph and I wearing mismatched boots in Annie Get Your Gun.

So that was a great trip down memory lane...CARP. I have to go home and pick up my Key for the ceremony. Put it on my to do list. Is it bad that I have an entire bag dedicated to alcohol for this trip? lol. Whatever.

Bachelorette Hell

Yo. OMG. I just got done messing the the counter in Nick's Blog. I wanted to be number 5400 to view the blog. And I was, I just had to hit the refresh button a few times. Sorry Nick.

It's actually been a decent week, considering everything. Amy and I haven't killed each other yet. That's always a plus. We've actually been consumed in Bachelorette Party hell for a while. We did Prascilla's Tuesday night. Ladies night=25% off. Thank God. We both saved like $50. We worked on a sign to help people get to Brian and Adria's reception most of the night and got everything else ready to be worked on for yesterday.

I worked on paper macheing the pinata until Ames got home and then we had Mexican for dinner. Corona with limes and all. I love that she's 24 and willing to experiment with alcohol, or at least try the stuff that I like. I can't believe that she hasn't had some things though. It's okay. I made the veil for Adria to wear and Ames finished the sign and then we got stuff together for the games. I actually got to dress my older sister for her interview today, gasp. She always says that I have nothing to wear and that my clothes are all to "slutty". Whatever. I have a very nice professional area in my closet. But anyway, she looked gorgeous when she left this morning. I hope the third graders take it easy on her. lol.

I got up at like 5 today because I coudln't sleep. We turned on the air last night and it blows right on my bed, normally good, but I'm not used to it yet. I got ready for work. Finished touching up the sign. Put another layer of paper mache on the giant dick and then came to work. I've been here since 7. Arrggg....but it was my choice. I've been surprisingly productive all day. Now I'm in crash mode.

Mom's going to be here in a few hours. I can't wait to see her. I miss my mommy. She's short, but I still love her.

ohhhhh, Diet Coke run for the boss..........

Jos was downstairs. I miss that girl. Stupid ME had to graduate on me. WTF? She's thinking about coming back and coaching the dance teams. She thinks that I should definitly do it. The problem? I'm sick of school organizations. I've put in my time, now I just want to focus on dancing, friends, and classes. I might take Moving Company, but I haven't heard good things about that class, and auditions aren't until August...I'll figure it out later.

Things are looking good for our apartment next year. I can't wait. I think my bedroom is going to be out of the 80s. I want it to be very clean. black and a very soft white. I'll accent in aqua or some equally lovely color. I dunno. It'll be interesting.

I haven't felt very deep lately. It's like everything is on the surface. Not really. I'm just avoiding the inner turmoil. Oh, fuck it. I'm so pissed at myslef. I can't believe that I did it. I wish that I'd gotten caught, because at least then I'd have a space in time when there actually were negative consequences for my actions. It was fun don't get me wrong, but still. I feel that now I need to stay away from people like Kate because maybe I can't always resist the temtation. It's been six years and I still fight myself every time I'm around that kind of life. I always thing I can keep it together. Realistically, I know that I can't. I'll keep it together this time. I have to. I have too much to loose. I just wish it weren't a constant battle.

...But nothing worth having in life comes easy or stays without a struggle.

The interview/survey thing

1.) Describe a situation or activity that you feel defines you, and explain why.

Not surprisingly: Dance. It can be anything, everything, or nothing. It takes on the emotions that you're feeling and can mean so many things. It's in constant development, change, and revision. It's always the same or constantly new.

2.) What major decision in your life have you been most pleased with?

(Except for my relapse last night) Not giving up on myself. I can't really say much here. There are somethings that I can't explain in a paragraph. Through all of the hard times and every time I wanted to give up and just quit, I didn't. It wasn't always my decision, but I kept working at it. For pulling myself out of eveything I was into that was wrong (go m.s.). For making me who I am today.

3.) Do you have a rating scale for the opposite sex, and if so, how does it work? For example, I've always said that smoking was a -4, meaning that a girl who started out at 10 would be a 6 if she started smoking.

I don't really have a rating scale, but I know what I'm looking for and what I won't accept. I won't accept less than I expect from myself. I need someone that has it togther, takes care of themself, shares similar interests, has their own interests, is okay by themself and in a crowd, adapts to environment, someone I can talk to, is okay doing the unique or nothing at all.

4.) How do you define yourself? Think of four cultural adjectives that describe you. That means "nice" and "easygoing" are not allowed.

I define myself as a Melting Pot of the U.K. (Irish, Scotish, English) with a little German on the side. A redhead with all of it's implications. Old world. Catholic.

5.) What does the most attractive member of the opposite sex you have ever seen look like? What kind of person did you think they probably were?

This is a really hard question because I've always been attracted to different "types". They all share some physical simularities, but I like individuals. I guess I'd have to go with Phil/Dustin. Their kind of a Gerald Butler (Phantom of the Opera-Movie), Patrick Dempsey (Gray's Anatomy), Micheal Crawford (Origonal Phantom - Stage) type?
About 5 in. taller than me, good teeth, hair that you can run your hands through, can sing, muscular (not skinny, but not bigger), gorgous eyes. You can tell by looking at them that they're a great person.

The Official Interview Game Rules

1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "interview me."

2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.

3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.