The Redundant Ramblings of an Insane Mind

Okay, so I'm nuts. I think that everyone should know that up front. But I enjoy my insanity. I feel sorry for people that suffer from theirs. I'm an Irish Catholic Redhead. Picture that! hehehe. Anything else you want to know just ask!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005's like that

Tired from 6 a.m. workout.
Don't feel like updating.
Don't feel like being at work.
Can't wait to dance with Ben later.
Need to sleep.....

Monday, August 29, 2005

The weekend....

This weekend has been amazing.

Thursday: worked in releve', watched a movie, talked with AMS for a while. Chilled. Had a lot of introspective time, which was good and bad....we'll see.

Friday: Joined SwingCats. DJ is my partner, which is really wierd, but good. He doesn't lead me. That's kinda frusterating. And I'm picking up the routine faster than he is. There is a night and day difference between when I dance with DJ and when I dance with B. Practice is tonight. I hope it goes well.

KJS and I went to Jillian's to get our drink on. J is such a complete ass. But we made friends with Josh the bartendar. He's completely amazing. We had a butt load of free drinks. This is the order as best I can remember. I might need to have KJS check it for me. Sex on the Beach, Cosmopolitian, Oklahoma, Washington Apple, Chocolate Cake, Carmel Apple, Josh's Special Mix, Orgasm, Pineapple Upsidedown Cake, Pineapple Upsidedown Cake, Chocolate Cake. Damn. I stumped eight bartendars trying to get an orgasm. lol. I crack me up. We then walked around downtown and met these two incredibly older guys, Brian and Randy, that were sitting on a wall smoking cigars. KJS gave them her rose, from J, we chatted it up for a while. We got down to the Slippery Noodle and then headed back up Meridian. Randy gave KJS the rose back on our way north. They also provided me with the too true quote of, "Guys are only as loyal as their options." Which fit my mood fine. Then it was home for the night/morning.

Saturday: Hells Yea. I woke up hungover to the point of not getting out of bed at 6 a.m. I watched TV for a while and got up for water around 7. Then laid down and painted my nail, hands and feet, about 12 different colors before settling on pink hands and aqua toes. Hit the shower at 11 and then I was off and running. Sprint is ordering me a new phone. Apparently I've played catch and spoons with my phone too many times. And BTW it doesn't float in water no matter how many times I drop it in the bath tub. But it's all good. The freshman welcome BBQ was decent. I was raining, but who cares. I left there, picked up SDRC on the East side, got ready at her place then it was off to TSAV for an amazing night of drunkeness. I forgot how much fun it is to be the sober person with the drunks. Quite entertaining. I was too hungover to seriously drink. Beer pong was made interesting by the use of boobs as a distraction and E as my partner. She's hilarious. Had some talk time wish SDRC for a while. lol. Lot's there, but nothing I can discuss here.

Sunday: lol. I just miss the TSAV guys. You're great btw. SDRC and I talked on the way home. She asked me I was really okay with everything or not. I told her no, but if I think about it too hard I might cry and it's really not worth that. I'm starting to think I may just need to cut my losses and go somewhere....anywhere....else. Brian in Ireland always sounds fun. Or maybe I'll visit Simon and Louie in England. I have family in France so I could do that too. Maybe I can't be friends with people I don't respect. Who'd of thunk it?

Went dancing at the Madame Walker Sunday night. That's always fun. I feel more prepared for practice tonight because of it. We'll see how things go. Homework sucks. I had so much shit to do yesterday, and yet I was bored. Oh well.

Today's been good. My destinations test was just over some articles that we had to read before class. That class is going to move fast. And the prof., AJ, is pregnant. lol. Can we say class cancelations due to morning sickness? Good deal. Now it's time for ASL and then I'm going to do my Econ homework by the pool before practice. God, I'm lazy. Oh well, I really don't care!!....


Thursday, August 25, 2005 know that five letter word that begins with C

It's a general concensus that ASL is going to kick our ass. The prof is deaf and we only had a translator for the first class. No verbal communication. No written communication. We can just sign everything, it is after all a sign language class. WTF, mate? Moses, Stacey and I are sticking together. I love how once a year I get the "new" prof. that has never taught before, but wants to give it a shot. Maybe I'll be pleasently surprised, but I doubt it.

Human Geography actually sounds like fun. My prof is a nut. We'll see. I don't like lectures, but he says we get to color a lot. lol. I feel like I'm in elementary again.

Economics of Tourism just sounds fun, but I love econ. And SA is my prof. He's so funny. And AE and DG are in there. Hells yea. I love those two!

Other classes aren't really anything special. But whatever.....

Played ultimate twister last night. I was the last girl "standing", but that was only due to Good times. T and P came down. It's so weird having BOYS living in my old place. It freaks me out. They want me to tell them stories about the apartment. Bad idea. Maybe someday. Trust me, they don't wanna know. Yound innocent things that they are....

My diet only works in the morning. Cereal for breakfast, crackers during the day, chocolate cake at night. PB and J in the middle somewhere. And CM is sitting next to me with pop, chips, and fudge. GRRRRRRR. I love crackers. I do okay until I remember the cake sitting on the counter in the kitchen. That and I'm too sunburnt to run. That's lame. Whatever.

Looking forward to this weekend! Can't wait to see TSAV!!! :) Ran into MS today. She introduced me as Sara, she's on her way to being the biggest alcoholic in the Junior class, be proud of her. And she's a blast to party with. So next weekend....going out with her. Probably hit the TKE house and a couple other random places.

I need to quit thinking of JRM as mine. That's my goal for this week anyway....

I haven't talked about XYZ in a while. I haven't talked to XYZ in a while either. maybe it's best that way.....

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

You're freckles are frecklier.......


“Sara, you’re a grouchy bitch today. Go home.”
“Okay. Bye.”

So that’s how yesterday started.

Visited/got SDRC out of bed for a lunch of leftover T.G.I.Fridays. Jez got out. LMAO. SDRC actually went around to her residents and acted like she was pissed because someone had a cat. lol.

Called JRM because I’m supposed to see his new apt. I can’t believe that he’s back OnCampus. But then, no one could believe that I stayed for two years. He was working. Booo… But he called me sweetheart. It doesn’t make sense. We’re only friends. But it still made me happy. Is it weird that I think of him as mine? As in he belongs to me and you’d better not touch him? This was one of many topics of discussion with KJS…..

Spent the afternoon with KJS at the pool. I look like a candy cane. FYI I’m a tad sun burnt. Actually I could heat a third world country, but whatever. Lot’s of good conversation, which there always is with her. Cheers to Friday night!

Got hit on at the Sprint store. lol. J’s a bouncer at a club downtown. Which is where KJS and I are drinking for free on Friday! It’ll be a good time…. Oh, and they actually think they fixed my phone. Whatever. I give it a week, but it’s still under warranty so give me my new phone, bitch.

Helped AGD plan/get everything ready for a late night picnic with EH. It turned out great, so I’m proud.

Today is the first day of classes and my first class was cancelled. I think the semester is looking up. We’ll see. I have homework for my classes tomorrow and we’ll see what ASL brings this afternoon. My individual classes don’t worry me, but the number of them do. I’ll be fine. I know this. I just really want the dean’s list, again. If you get 3 semesters in a row then you’re Honors Dean’s List. And this would be three. I have a perfect record for being on the list in TCEM. That and I know that SA, my prof., would be really pissed, because we all know that if I can pull off accounting then I can do this….. Wish me luck. All you IUPUI kids out there, good luck too!

Oh, Cassie said that volleyball was supposed to start tonight so KJS, B, C, KC, and I are going. Let’s see who shows up! Be there or get your ass kicked…maybe not, but just come! 7 in the Nat.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

*edited* Ohhhhhh.........Kelly Clarkson.........

Last night rocked my socks off. Night out with the kids was definitely what the doctor ordered. But that wasn't all....

I can make anybody pretty.
I can make you believe any lie.
I can make you pick a fight with somebody twice your size.
Well, I?ve been known to cause a few break-ups,
An' I?ve been known to cause a few births.
Well, I can make you new friends, or get you fired from work.

AGD and I finally unpacked all of the boxes in our communial areas. lol. We're not allowed to buy anything that could remotely belong in a kitchen. Ever. Hung out with N^2 for a while. Good discussion. He was wiped out. Headed home and made a really, really chocolate cake. Yuummmyyyy. Then out to see 40 Year Old Virgin. LMAO. It was amazing.

And since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg an' Bordeaux, France,
Been making the bars lots of big money,
An' helpin' white people dance.
I got you in trouble in High School,
But College, now that was a ball.
You had some of the best times you?ll never remember with me:
Alcohol; Alcohol.

Missed an ass load of calls during the movie. lol. I'm loved. I'm concerned about KJS. She really shouldn't be even talking to D. I know that he's leaving and may never come back. But he's just using her. At least she knows it this time.....whatever.

I got blamed at your wedding reception,
For your best man?s embarrassing speech.
And also for those naked pictures of you at the beach.
I?ve influenced Kings and world leaders,
I helped Hemingway write like he did.
And I?ll bet you a drink or two, that I can make you put that lampshade on your head.

I think JRM is mad at me. His message was....odd? And when I called back he was just like, "I'm at Meijer. But we need to talk." I hate those words. I hate using those words. I really hate those words coming from him. I think he knows. I should have told him. It's weird. I can't explain our friendship. But he's really important in my life and him being upset with me makes me uneasy. We've finally gotten our friendship back where it should be and for me to have fucked it up.......I really wish I could just take it all back.....

?Cause since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg and Bordeaux, France,
I been making a fool out of folks just like you,
An' helping white people dance.
I am medicine and I am poison,
I can help you up or make you fall.
You had some of the best times you?ll never remember with me:

KH. I'm mad at you. Okay not really. I understand that you have a prior commitment. Ahhhh wellll..... I'll still love you. It won't be the same without you, but still. Glad that SH is probably going to make it down to TH. (Oh, and SH....glad you're having a blast at BSU!)

Yeah, since the day I left Milwaukee,
Lynchburg an' Bordeaux, France,
Been making the bars lots of big money,
(Helpin' white people dance.)
Yeah, I got you in trouble in High School,
But College, now that was a ball.
You had some of the best times you?ll never remember with me:
Alcohol; Alcohol.

*********************Late Addition************************************

Dear Mike,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us.
I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you.
Love, Susie

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Susie, Mike included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.....along with this note:

Dear Susie,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the heck you are. Please take y0our picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care

Sorry it's so long everyone!!!

Monday, August 22, 2005


SDRC tagged me. So I'm tagging people too.....

List 10 things that make you happy. Tag some people (5 people, to be specific) afterward.

1. A day of laying out by the pool with friends and knowing that I don't have to accomplish anything. Period.

2. Turning my cell phone off on a weekday.

3. Hugs

4. Playing with a guys hair.

5. Driving for long periods of time with a friend and no destination.

6. Actually understanding what my computer nerd friends are talking about. :)

7. Building things with my bare hands.

8. Being on a stage for any reason.

9. Dancing

10. Quiet evenings with friends.

I tag:

"Are you trying to get into my pants......

maybe. are you trying to get into my dress? Yep...." Gotta love it. :) lol.

Hmmm...where to start? This weekend was a blast. Friday I went to the state fair with AD. lol. Blast and a half. I love fair food. And lemon shake-ups. Yummy. We were little kids and rode rides too! (I thought I was going to be sick after all that food.) She came back and say the palace, as I enjoy calling the new apt. Seriously, it's THAT big. Saturday was worth the summer being really calm. Kimmer and I ran errand, sat by the pool, and made pizza. Yummy. Then got dressed up for the TKE charter party. We went as Brandon's dates. God, I love that kid. He's amazingly wonderful. I think he's more comfortable with himself this year. I'm happy for him. All three of us can't wait until VOLLEYBALL. I think we're going to try to get it started early this semester. We just have to see everyone's schedules. Got drunk. Okay, not drunk, but tipsy enough to do something stupid....That was a good time. Gave Brandon the grande tour of the palace too. Smoked a cigar out back. That was amazing just for the absence of them in my life. Showered and then to bed. OH drunk dialed SDRC and told JD that he had to have amazing sex with her. (per a our conversation on Wednesday). Sunday was fun. Busy. Surprisingly I wasn't hung over. That made me happy. Purdue House and Honors House move ins. Honors Bridge Program welcome BBQ. Met the BOYS living in MY apartment. Home. Did laundry. Say AS and MH. Good times. Props for the shaking of the lemon shake-up. :)

OHHHHHH....forgot this. Aparently my little drama falls right int he middle of this BIG drama. Found that out. Hmmmmm....I just laugh. WTF, mate? Fucking kangaroos. Anywho....oh, I'm on the Dance Marathon Morale committee with WH. Go me. THEME HOURS. Oh, do I have costumes. Can't wait for that to start up!

I think it's going to be an overall good year. Good times.....

Friday, August 19, 2005

Is someone getting the best of you?

Yesterday was unproductive. But I enjoyed it. Worked, and I use that term loosely. Went home. Showered. Napped. Visited Anita. Went to bed. Still couldn't get up this morning.

weird fun facts about Sara:
*I do need 8 hours of sleep a night or I can't function properly.
*I don't hold hands, cuddle, or be quite with/around guys I like, even though these are things I crave.
*I'm insecure about my hands. I'm not sure why.
*I really do love my job.
*I think I'm a masochist.
*I've never trusted anyone completely.
*I maintain a very precarious balance every day between destroying and saving myself.
*I generally don't enjoy drinking anymore.
*I think I've lost all desire for a relationship of any kind.
*I believe that we all pretend to be something we're not. And this angers me.
*I'm truly happy making others happy.
*I would rather have one true friend, than 100 people I don't care about.
*The future terrifies me.
*Living up to my own expectations is harder than living up to anyone else's.
*I like rain, in all its forms.
*I want happily ever after and won't settle for less.
*I'm happiest when I'm miserable.
*I want to graduate now, yet I have no plans for after graduation outside of get a job.
*I have a very good network of potential employers.
*I hate drama, yet my closest friends are drama queens.
*I fall in and out of love very quickly, then doubt that I ever loved.
*I can't sleep if my room isn't organized the way I want it to be.
*You can always tell my mood by the music that I'm listening to.
*I'm very readable if you know me.
*I'm not good at lying to people I care about.

Hmmm......yea lot's more that I deleted.

Classic Foo Fighters sound good today. Enjoy....
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?


Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

"I don't know why I attract guys like this. I think I'm a mothering figure. That and I like sex."

I'm torn. And either way I go will be an extreme. Talking to AT helps a lot. I actually trust him more than my friends from H.S. lol. I can't put into words how I feel. I just know that I can't keep hovering over this middle ground. It's one way or the other. Good or Bad. Right or Wrong. So many questions and no answers. So I continue to straddle the fence. We'll see.

Yesterday kicked in its own right. Work sucked, but I expect that. Laid out by the pool. Yea, I know. Met a girl named Ruth that seems pretty cool. Dental hygiene major. Senior, psuedo. Really just veged out, unpacked stuff, and watched TV for a while. Talked to my parents for a hour. (I hate how I always talk to my dad second. I can always hear the tears in his voice when we're about to hang up. He wants me to come home more. I wish I knew how to make them not miss me this much. I miss them more, but that I can handle. I was literally in tears after we hung up. I love them so much.) SDRC came over later and we caught up. I need her to watch over me this year, kinda like I did frosh year for her. And for the same reasons. I'm either going to destroy myself or turn into the person that I always thought I would have been. Currently I'm leaning towards destroying myself. That doesn't bode well, but if you're going down, go down in flames. I don't really do things half way do I?

Definitely had issues getting up this morning. It went kind like this:
7:00 "Sara it's 7" *rolls over* "hurmp" *rolls back over* "No seriously get up" *throws blanket over head* "I'm calling in fed up" *snuggles with giant stuffed panda* "me too, now get up" *glares at door* "hurmp" *burries head in multitude of pillows*
7:01 complete panic
7:02 hysterical laughter at how late we both are for our 7:00 jobs
7:03-7:10 rushing around
7:11-7:15 driving to work
7:19 sitting at my desk "hurmp"

I think it's a fairly acurate description of how things went. Bed to Desk in ~20 minutes. Hells yea.

I'm debating heading home this weekend. I want to, but I need to be OnCampus on Sunday afternoon for Purdue House Move In. Yea, that was a brillant idea I had 1.5 years ago. Fuck that.

I think the security officer is getting tired of Angie and I having visitors. We leave a message every time we have visitors after hours so that they don't get towed and well, we've been having frequent visitors. Sorry about that. It's the rules, not us. Well okay, the rules are a little shadowed in this area, but we're playing it safe....hehehe.

I need to work, don't wanna. My mind is still laying in bed under the pillows somewhere. And that's why I can't get anything done. :) Whatever...hope y'all have a great day. Oh, and freaking awesome quotes last night.....

Where's the rest of your skirt? and star wars marathon update

This morning actually hasn't been the greatest. But I keep laughing at the problems, sooooo I'm having fun. WTF. It doesn't really matter anyway.

I actually miss working out until i puke. I never thought I would say that. Bremer pushed hard and I loved it. Maxing out on squats and then doing wall sits. His goal was to make us all puke at least once during the work out. He generally achieved his goal. I'm planning on hitting the gym hard Fall semester. I'm also planning on working until I'm sick. Daily. We'll see how that goes.

I'm done with class/work by 3:15 every day. It's sweet. No night classes. I've never not had a night class. I'm loving it. AND no Friday classes, again. hehehe.

Apparently I have on a short skirt today. I think it's just because it's above my knees and I haven't done that at work for a while and it seems to get shorter the longer PJ looks at it......go skirt....I actually have skin color so I'm going to show it

Oh for all the Star Wars lovers out there... After a long discussion on Saturday we have decided that Matt is fasting and I'm just going without seeing the Star Wars movies until Episode III comes out in November. At which point I'm taking a day off school to watch them. :) (I'm still having trouble believing that one..) I believe that we are watching the movies IV, V, VI, I, II, III, but am not sure. It'll be a long day, but if you want to come IM me. I think it's November 1st. More at a later date, I'm sure. I can't believe that I'm actually getting into this....*shakes head* But if you're going to do it, do it all the way. I'll probably even wear my shirt from the convention!!!

It's going to be a good day. I'm leaving for columbus, like, soon. So everyone smile and have a great day!

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

for some reason this song always fits

Sooooooooooooo, yesterday was actually a good day. Lot's of training at work, for things that I already know how to do, but still it was alright.

I actually saw my roomate, and we didn't fight. lol. Thank God. I somehow restrained myself from maxing out my credit card at Best Buy. It was tough. But now I have goals for what I want to buy. New surround sound is first on the list. (FYI I tore apart the current system last night AND got it to quit making that clicking noise AND it still works. Go me.) A projection tv is up there on the list, but still not very realistic until I a: get a better job or b: marry rich (Thanks Andy).

I think I'm forever cursed to help my friends boyfriends with their relationships and be too wiped out to have one of my own. It's a cycle. I can't change it...whatever....

I love you AT, really I do. And I wish that I could help, but the signs really aren't looking that good. :( But I have to believe that she'd be honest with you. BS just isn't a lying person. She's too straight forward and methodical. I really hope everything works out alright....You two are perfect for each other. But I'll be here to make sure you're taking care of yourself if you need there are still limits...:) Oh, and aparently I'm not jinxed. Thank God. I couldn't handle that right now. And you're relationship couldn't handle it either. BS would flip....

I talked to Mills last night. I think things might actually be okay with our friendship. At least he seemed like the guy that I know and love last night. We'll see. I hope he is.

People don't seem to think that I'm serious about the nun thing. I am. The knowledge that I could be happy no matter what I do doesn't really help me. I think about not having a family and it tears me apart, but is what I feel right now worth it? Has the past year been worth it? I've never thought of not having a family. I guess that's why part of me just accepted it when I found out that I was pregnant last year......Hmmmm....who knows. Enough of that train of thought.......

I'm rocking out today with Shinedown and Fall Out Boy. Here's A Little Less Sixteen Candles, A Little More Touch Me, because's what's on right now.....

I confess, I messed up
dropping "I'm sorrys" like you're still around
And I know you dressed up
said "hey kid you'll never live this down"

And you're just the girl all the boys want to dance with
And I'm just the boy who's had too many chances

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

Write me off, give up on me
Cause darling, what did you expect
I'm just off a lost cause
a long shot, don't even take this bet

You can make all the moves, you can aim all the spotlights
Get all the sighs and the moans just right

I'm sleeping on your folk's porch again, dreaming
She said, she said, she said, "Why don't you just drop dead?"

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

I'm just always on
You said you'd keep me honest
(you're always on)
But I won't call you on it

I don't blame you for being you
But you can't blame me for hating it
So say, what are you waiting for?
Kiss her, kiss her
I set my clocks early 'cause I know I'm always late

Monday, August 15, 2005

Okay so this is going to be new and different for me. I've been extremely angry for a while. Well, at least the past couple days. Songs like Shinedown-45, Smile Empty Soul-Bottom of a Bottle, and Smashing Pumpkins-Bullet with Butterfly Wings....were....well....making me happy. Which is scary for me. I don't ever want to be that person again.....and I know that my friends don't want to see me there again. (FYI...extremely unhappy Goth)

After an exhausting day on Saturday of planking a deck and watching Jurassic Park in Matt's theatre I had finally made some decisions. First and foremost, appologize for my childish behavior. Second, really go to church on Sunday. Closely following this thought was how much I really need to go to confession. I haven't done that in 8 years because...well simply, my sins are between me and God and only He is going to know if I'm actually sorry for my actions. But right now I need to hear someone say the words. I need to find my faith again. I also need to forgive myself.

So sitting in chuch for 45 minutes before mass started on Sunday, I felt close to God for the first time in a long while. I also started thinking about where my life was headed and where my focus should be. And then I thought about being a nun. And ever since then I've been seriously considering it as a serious possibility.

NPN and AS were a blast to hang out with Sunday night. Swimming, PF Chang's, it was a good time. I have a feeling we're going to be seeing A LOT of each other. lol. Have either of you seen my roomate? I haven't seen her in a couple days....I'd post a missing persons ad, but her aways message keeps changing so I know she's been in the apartment. Oh well. But damn it, I'm unpacking the kitchen tonight. See if I don't. I wanna cook.... :)

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I play dirty when I'm upset. And I'm sorry. I'd like to explain myself, but it doesn't look like I'm going to be given the chance. I tried.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Growing Pains

I reaaly don't know what there is to say. Maybe I'll come up with stuff.....

Tuesday was really disappointing. I can't hate someone for doing something that I've done. But that didn't make me feel any less (fill in appropriate verb): upset /disillusioned /angry /hurt/ betrayed/ used. Currently, I don't really feel much of anything. I'm too tired. I also had food poisoning on Tuesday. Haven't really been eating for two days. Not sure if it's emotional or physical....

Yesterday was hard. I haven't really slept since Satruday and I couldn't sleep because I wasn't done packing yet. I don't know. There were a lot of other reasons too. The new apartment kicks ass. I have the biggest room on the planet. It's kind of like having my own studio apartment. I have a "living room", "bed room", "MINIBAR area", and an one room. And yes, I did it that way on purpose. Basically I don't ever have to leave my room, unless I want to cook in the kitchen. But I also have a fridge in my room, and an attached bathroom. I like that I could live strictly in my room if need be, but I don't like that it looks like I'm going to have to for my sanity. AGD is being stupidly childish and immature. And a bitch to top it off. Hopefully that ends after her father, who is also staying with "us" right now, leaves this weekend.

Lately I'm not sure if I'm the one who's changed or if it's the people around me. AGD seems a lot different. Like she's digressed in being grown up. KJS and I are going to whip her into shape if this keeps up though.

The other person that has really changed I didn't see coming. But yet, I guess I never really knew you that well did I? When I met you, you were this completely amazing person. You were full of life and dreams and changing things for the better. Now, I see you and I'm not sure why you've become who you are. Did my guyfriends really influence this? I hate the reason that you all see each other. I look at what some of my best friends have become and I'm discusted. What happened to you? By what right would you think that I've sunk down to your morals? I want to beat you all until you're the individuals that I knew and loved. But I don't think that it would do any good. I used to be proud of you guys, any more I'm truely saddened.

I guess this is what they call growing up.

Thanks to Rabbi, Bob, and Nicky for listening to me and trying to help me make sense of this mess. I love you guys. A million bonus points to you all....

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

My last night in Honors House.....

I've lived in the same apartment for two years. Something I never thought I would do in college, but I have. I guess the thought of leaving my apartment and all of it's memories scares me a little. It tends to make me reflect on the past two years and all of the times, good and bad, that I've had in Apt. 330.

I remember moving to Indy. I was terrified. I spent the entire drive curled up in the front seat of my car with my head on my mom's lap crying. I didn't know how I was going to do it. 3 hours from everything I loved and in a city on top of it all. Living with a stranger that I had spoken to once on the phone for 48 minutes.

I got here. I met Kimmer. My parents and I moved my stuff up to J-205 and then they left. I started unpacking and fell asleep in my new room. I went out with Kimmer's family for dinner and the two of us cried together for hours that night. Went with CW and DF to get a case of beer at a ghetto liquor store and then watched porn and played cards. That last sentence really sums up my freshman year.

And everything worked out okay. Kims and I were the perfect roomates. It's going to be hard to back to living with someone after a year alone. But it'll work out, I hope.

*If me today walked up to me 2003, 2003 would be scared shitless.*

I see me freshman year as an out of control alcoholic that loved to party, in essence a typical college student. Dear Lord, did I have fun. I always thought that I would be the goodie-goodie that I was in High School. I was wrong. And I cleaned it up last year. I think I at least have control over myself now. At least, I'd like to think I do.


I'm about ready to kill AT. He jinxed me. That's all I can say, but he jinxed me. I was really on a 6 year plan. He's going to hurt the next time I see him. BLS will probably want him untouched though. He's such a punk.....

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Angel vs. Devil Wars

The Angel and Devil that sit on my shoulders fought yesterday. I'm grieved to say that the Devil killed the Angel and the Devil died early this morning of injuries sustained during the battle. The Angel was burried in a private ceremony yesterday afternoon. The Devil will be laid to rest at a later date.

It was a bloody battle. But I'm entertained. It's worth it. We'll resurrect them at a later date. A much later date as far as I'm concerned.

I had fun yesterday. That's all I'm going to say. :)

I think CNM and SW have talked me into going to the Sugarland concert at the State Fair on Wednesday night. I'm not sure how it's going to work out because I'll also be moving. It'll happen later. I'm spending Thursday in my pool. At least that's the current plan...

BP thank you for all of your wisdom yesterday! :)

That's really all there's a good day, despite the earlier post, and I'm rather enjoying myself....Hope everone is having a good one.

A time to grieve....

I wish I could write, and yet words seem completely inadequate. My cousin Chris called me this morning. He was supposed to be driving through Indy with his wife, Sarah, and their son Issac and we were all going to have dinner with Matt, his brother. They aren't coming anymore because Sarah miscarried the twin last week. I wish I had known what to say. I wish that I could do something to take away the pain that they are feeling, yet I know I can't. I know that their love will get them through this. All I can do is pray.

In comparison, everything else looses it's value.

Sunday, August 07, 2005

A Painful Disillusionment....

I'm not the person that I used to be and yet I still pretend.

Friday, August 05, 2005

It kills me

I just spent the last 3.75 hours writing a post/working and when I hit publish post it disappears.

Fuck that.

And it WAS NOT an ID10T error, a PEB-KAC error, or a SFU error.


Thursday, August 04, 2005

Other computer errors from AB....

Othere fun Computer Errors that I'm guilty of

problem exists between - keyboard and chair


stupid fucking user

Yea, I qualify, but still. Aren't they fun?

Do you see me or who I want you to see?

I didn't get to be drunk last night. *Pout* Which was probably really good for me. Seriously, with the mood I've been in lately I would have gotten into trouble. I would have enjoyed getting into trouble, but it still would have been trouble....

NN had a lot of good things to say yesterday. I always enjoy talking to him...

I packed so much last night. I just need to move. 6 more days.....

Okay, so I'm in charge of SP's outfit for her bachelorette party now. I had to buy stuff last night for it. I'm pretty sure the cashier at walmart thinks I'm nuts. Tulle, wire, floral ribbon, princess dress up set, fake flowers, and of course condoms. She gave me the weirdest look. I tried explaining that is was for a party, but she didn't believe me.

I bought a bed yesterday. Go me. And really expensive sheets. They're blue. I have a texture fetish.

More good news. TG is moving from a house to a condo and is selling me some furniture. A couch and loveseat that are futons and a matching coffee table. I can have sleepovers. or orgies. (delete that comment)

I'm going to have 3 pools.

I need to get paid again....There never seems to be enough money....

I'm listening to Rascal Flatts today. They make me happy. It reminds me to cherish the good things in my life....

I feel like a trophy today. I've been held up all morning in front of incoming students. "And this is one of our students, Sara." I stand, smile, shake hands, and answer repetative questions that no one hears the answers to. Then I sit down and wonder why I do it. Why do I dress like I'm a Carmel housewife that only works because she can? Because I get paid to. I have a job so that my boss can hold me up in front of Alumni and members of committies and say, "Here is one of our students. Isn't she great? Isn't she perfect?" I play the part. I almost feel as if I'm loosing my identity to who they all expect me to be. Who am I anyway? Does it even matter? Would it even matter if they new that every day I go home, put on a miniskirt, and do all of things that they pray their kids will never be exposed to? Maybe I do live a double life. It's hard. I can't be me at work and by the time I get home I just want to explode from the suffication. I guess it's good training for my career someday. Everything is appearances. That's why I have a job.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005


I asked this question of AB earlier today, but I'm still pondering. When a guy and girl have a conversation why does sex always enter into it? His answer: because it's natural for a guy and girl.

I think of this and of the why can't guys and girls be friends arguement and I think that they are connected. (Obviously)

With sex as a common topic of conversation than a guy and girl can not be friends because talking about it make you think about it makes you do it. The power of suggestion. So basically if you want to be friends with someone of the opposite sex you can't ever talk about sex. But then doesn't it make it more of a prominant thought because you're trying not to talk about it? So a guy and girl can never truely be just friends. Unless they're related. But that doesn't work in Kentucky does it? My mind refused to accept this. I will have guy friends and I will not have sex with them and I will continue to talk about sex whenever and however I please. I wish the world followed my logic.

I have an hour left of work in which to ponder this and the many other thoughts flying through my head, but it makes me so unhappy to think that I can't have guy friends. That sucks. Or at least that I can't have long term guy friends. I think the life of a guy/girl friendship is probably 2 years. At least that's how long I've always been able to make it before something happens.

Like JRM. Things have never been the same. And nothing even happened. I never should have let him sleep over.....

I guess that just proves everything true, doesn't it?

Giddy happy mood....

I'm getting drunk tonight.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Good times......

From Indianapolis Fax Daily:

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error." "What's an ID Ten T Error, in case I need to fix it again?" He grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error?" "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." I wrote I D 1 0 T.

For all of us that are computer illiterate..

I thought it was funny. I bought stuff for my car yesterday. A midnight blue and pink steering wheel cover and pineapple coconut airfresheners and she's getting beads instead of flowers. (The blueberry had flowers.) I love her so much. She's perfect for me.

I really need to focus on packing right now. It's just so depressing to look at my living room and see nothing but boxes. I hate it. And with my TV in my bedroom, it's not exactly fun to be out there. OH, my TV is being a bitch. Some of the pixels are fried. (Is it pixels in a TV?) I have a green spot that sometimes turns pink. Anyone out there know anything about TVs?

HA, CM just yelled at me for hitting the play button again for Copeland's Beneath Medicine Tree CD. WTF, mate? I realize that I've been listening to if since 7, but's just sooooo good. I think I'll switch to Onelinedrawing after lunch. I'm eating mini teddy grahams honey. Yummy. I wanna' go see Dukes of Hazard this weekend. I grew up watching that show with my daddy and I realize that it's going to be A LOT different, but still. I love Jonny Knoxville. Almost as much as I love Bam Magera. (Left overs from my skateboarding days, I guess.)

OH, Adrian was trying to "refresh my memory" with skateboarding on Thursday. We were doing 4 ft. drop ins. It all started coming back and I loved it. I wanna take my board out and play later, but I can't on campus because it's Illegal and I live on campus.

Oh, my song's on....I'm serious about Priceless being my first dance at my wedding reception. I think. It's the kind of love that I want in my life. And I'm going to have to marry someone that likes Copeland. And can sing Phantom of the Opera. And play guitar. And likes to read. And be outside. But mostly someone that I can be quiet with. Comfortable silences. Is it weird that I've never had those?

Lately it seems like there are a great many people having the same delemas that I am. Mainly the what to put in your blog and not feeling like you can freely express yourself in "here". I honestly don't know what to tell people. I know that by having a second blog, I still don't feel free to express myself. That's why I use initials and even codes for people. That way I can say what I mean and there aren't any aftershocks. My grammer sucks ass.

I can babble on for hours, but there really isn't anything to say...see you all sooner or later....

Monday, August 01, 2005

And Scene...........

I feel like I should write about the wedding, but I really don't want to think about it anymore. It was an unorganized affair. JP, JW, BS, and I did our best to make it happen. We actually pulled it off, much to SMJ now SMC's enjoyment. I'm just glad she's happy. I need to recover.....

I was good seeing everyone again. Lots of gaps to fill in here.....

My car died. I think I've officially retired the Blueberry Bombshell. I now have Bonnie Bluebell. (I'm still working on the name.) I love her. She's perfect for me.....

I'm working the Brickyard 400 this Saturday. It's going to be a long day. I need to be at the track at 4:30 a.m. But at least this way I have a hope at having fun this weekend. It really depends on how much sleep I get this week what I do. I want to hit the TSAV party that night, but who knows. And if I do go I'll just be dead the entire time.....I don't know what to do.....I'll think about that later....

I received the invite for SP's wedding while I was gone. August 27th. Maybe it's a sign...It's kind of like I have to chose between my college friends and my high school friends every time I turn around. I'm not sure who's more important.... I guess I'm still holding on to the past.

This weekend really called into question how important the girls are to me and how much I miss them. It's all changing so fast. They say that I'm the scadelous one in the group. How true. If they only knew the half of it....

I'm still uncertain about XYZ. I'm trying to figure it out, but I realize that I never can. "Life is a mystery to be lived, not a puzzle to be solved." How true. Just go with it?

I need to do some soul searching. I'll do that after I move. Oh, the new address for those interested is 426-D Canal Court South Drive. It's almost here....